Selfosophy - Religion or Rip-off (Transcription of fictional newspaper articles)
During the opening sequence of this hilariously upbeat episode, which is narrated by Jose Chung and illustrated with a series of still photographs, we see the 14th photograph: A newspaper with the headline, "Selfosophy: Religion or Rip-Off?". Presented below is a transcript of that newspaper article, obviously a prop which contains a few odd typos and the odd unintelligible word. The newspaper page is headed "Seattle Tribune", although there is no real Seattle Tribune newspaper that I could find.
The week after, October 28th 1972, a retraction by the original author Jarvis Bridge is shown which is presented below the original newspaper article.
Selfosophy - Religion or Rip-off
By Jarvis Bridge
Tribune Staff Writer
SEATTLE TRUBUNE - TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1972
What is Selfosophy? Unlike Christianity, there is no one book that sets forth Selfosophy‘ religious benefits.
Selfosophy teaching are revealed to its members through a progression of numerous secretive courses that often take years to complete.
The movement of Selfosophy is writing a new chapter in its history, one that has attracted a new generation of supporters and detractors. Through official programs and a network of groups run by Selfosophy followers, the movement is reaching into American society as never before to gain legitimacy and new members.
Among other things, members are disseminating the leaders writings in schools across the U.S.
Selfosophy followers have established a number of successful consulting firms that self management techniques to health care professionals and businessmen. In the process, many are steered into Selfosophy.
Selfosophists are the driving force behind a number of organizations in the scientific community. The organizations have been trying to sell government agencies and the public on a chemical detoxification plan.
Reincarnation features widely in the Selfosophy. The belief that your soul passes from your body to the next through countless reincarnations spanning trillions of years.
To complete all the Selfosophy courses could conceivably take a Selfosophist their entire life and more than $400,000.
One Ratfinkovitch (an expelled Selfosophist) is trying to recover his mortgaged home. He has spent the last 20 years attending courses and has mortgaged his home for more than $70,000 - to enable him to attend Selfosophy courses.
New courses are always being added.
Selfosophists are continually being by glossy colorful brochures announcing new and great courses "Act Now, Act Now - Your future is at risk."
Many Ratfinkovitches who want to be anonymous have testimonials from their families that they uses to be happy and fun before joining.
They became disillusioned and disappointed at themselves for succumbing to an organization that isolated them from the world.
There are thousands of members, with all the members using their particular skills to deliver the thousands of programs.
The group has spent millions to investigate writers and other Enemies. The group‘ belief is that anyone who criticizes the church is an enemy of some sort.
In a last attempt to ensure that Selfosophy‘ live forever, the organization has spent $10 million to protect the original writings, tape-recorded lectures and filmed treaties from natural and man-made calamities, including nuclear holocaust.
The effort illustrates two fundamental truths about the Selfosophy movement. It believes in its future and it never does anything halfheartedly.
Religion or Rip-off...? You decide.
(The following week‘ fictional newspaper retraction...)
Selfosophy - An uncoerced retraction
By Jarvis Bridge
Tribune Staff Writer
SEATTLE TRUBUNE - TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1972
The following is the article "Selfosophy - Religion or Rip-off" published last Tuesday, October 21. With continued investigation and further reflection, the following is an uncoerced retraction of those statements which I believe to be untrue.
Selfosophy teaching are revealed to its members through a progression of numerous secretive courses that often take years to complete.
The movement of Selfosophy is writing a new chapter in its history, one that has attracted a new generation of supporters and detractors. Through official programs and a network of groups run by Selfosophy followers, the movement is reaching into American society as never before to gain legitimacy and new members.
Among other things, members are disseminating the leaders writings in schools across the U.S.
Selfosophy followers have established a number of successful consulting firms that self management techniques to health care professionals and businessmen. In the process, many are steered into Selfosophy.
Selfosophists are the driving force behind a number of organizations in the scientific community. The organizations have been trying to sell government agencies and the public on a chemical detoxification plan.
I believe this to be untrue.
Reincarnation features widely in the Selfosophy. The belief that your soul passes from your body to the next through countless reincarnations spanning trillions of years.
To complete all the Selfosophy courses could conceivably take a Selfosophist their entire life and more than $400,000.
One Ratfinkovitch (an expelled Selfosophist) is trying to recover his mortgaged home. He has spent the last 20 years attending courses and has mortgaged his home for more than $70,000 - to enable him to attend Selfosophy courses.
New courses are always being added.
I believe this to be untrue.
Selfosophists are continually being by glossy colorful brochures announcing new and great courses "Act Now, Act Now - Your future is at risk."
I believe this to be untrue.
Many Ratfinkovitches who want to be anonymous have testimonials from their families that they uses to be happy and fun before joining.
I believe this to be untrue.
They became disillusioned and disappointed at themselves for succumbing to an organization that isolated them from the world.
I believe this to be untrue.
There are thousands of members, with all the members using their particular skills to deliver the thousands of programs.
The group has spent millions to investigate writers and other Enemies. The group‘ belief is that anyone who criticizes the church is an enemy of some sort.
I believe this to be untrue.
In a last attempt to ensure that Selfosophy‘ live forever, the organization has spent $10 million to protect the original writings, tape-recorded lectures and filmed treaties from natural and man-made calamities, including nuclear holocaust.
I believe this to be untrue.
The effort illustrates two fundamental truths about the Selfosophy movement. It believes in its future and it never does anything halfheartedly.
I believe this to be untrue.