Taught an evening class tonight~3 to 5 year-olds on astronomy...I learned a lot of stuff because you have to bone up on things you're not so knowledgable in , ya know? Did you know stars twinkle because they are so far away, and when their light is traveling thorugh space, cosmic disturbances can shift and refract the light, as well as the stirring of our own atmosphere. This shift is seen as "twinkling" or movement of the light. Planets don't twinkle because they are much bigger and closer in "light" years. Cool s***, dude. We also saw a "shooting star" tonight in the Blue Jay field~I'm sure most of you know that it's really a meteor(piece of rock) that has ignited as it entered our atmosphere. We are seeing it's final stages of life, unless it doesn't combust completely.
Oh, and the definition of a constellation is a group of stars that have been named way back when people saw "pictures" in their alignment. There are 88 constellations in our night sky. I finally was able to recognize Orion, the hunter as well as the Dog, with Sirrius, the brightest star, in it's collar. Kickass!
I will be picking up my computer system, complete with a Fugi 4.4 Megapixel Digital camera, tomorrow when I get my lazy ass up. I'm stoked! The only thing I'm stressing about is putting together the computer desk (which is awesome, BTW). Anybody not busy this weekend is more than welcome to come over and pitch in so I don't lose my mind~I will feed and juice you up with beverages of your choice...if you don't mind helping out. Otherwise, don't expect to see me online until I get it all figured out!
Oh, and I got bored, so I decided to color my hair reddish-blonde. My daughter thinks it looks stupid, but I kind of like it. Oh well, we'll see how it holds up. I have this overwhelming desire to repierce my nose...I had it done about 4 years ago, and wore a small stud in my nose for years. I removed it when I started working for the parks and with young children...I keep waffling as to whether I should just forget about it or go ahead and risk the scorn of some of our more conservative patrons. But damn, I loved that nose stud!
I also am in the total mood for another tattoo...see what a little bit of money does to you?? Haha~don't worry, all my bills are set to be paid. I just really want to enjoy myself a bit with a little of it.
I AM going to get Shelby a bike~hers was stolen two Christmases ago, and we haven't had the money to replace it. After we pick up the computer tomorrow, we will look around at Walmart or Target to find a decently priced bike. She'll be happy~she also wants to dye her hair. I'm not too fond of the blue she wants, but I did agree to some red streaks. I don't think I'm overly conservative..it's just that blue is so, I don't know, BLUE. At least for hair. Red seems to be more acceptable to my mind. Hell, she really wants to dye it black...I can feel a wannabe goth coming on...I don't mind that she wants to experiment, it's just funny to watch kids go through these phases of what they consider cool. Is she too young to play? I don't think so...you give them the freedom to play, they will have to the strength to confront other challenges in life. Kinda philosophal, but that's just my thing, I guess.
Thursday, September 08, 2005 4:11 PM - I jumped the gun... Current mood: nauseated Okay~I'm not quite as recovered as I thought. My nasal cavities swelled up quite a bit last night, and I had to take pain meds just to sleep. I've been spitting up chunks of bloody mucus-which is simply gross, but I can't blow my nose-sometimes they go down my throat and make me nauseated. I can't afford to be out of work anymore!! Arghhhh.My friend Marti (not the one on here!) just found out she has mono-great. I had that once after I taught school-guess I got it from being around all those teenagers. Lately I've been feeling very tired. I chalked it up to the surgery and whatnot. I bet you I got mono from her. The shitty thing is there's nothing you can do about it. Other than maybe get B-12 shots which may or may not help you. Can't I go for one month with no health-related problems?? Apparently not-welcome to becoming OLD.The site I mentioned in my last blog is called Wes' and Tom Cool Site: check it out here: Was and Tom's Cool Site (including The Letter Wars)Really. Check it out. It's very interesting. Also, my friend Tammy in Irag send me a cool site with pictures from a storm-chaser-these are great pics! That site is: Storm Chaser PicsAnyway, I have to go use some phenergan before I barf...take care all! 6:07 AM - I'm back.....sorta Current mood: relaxed Okay-got the splints out today-Holy Cow!! I never felt such relief in my life!! Those suckers were 2 1/2 inches long by and inch and half wide...I asked the doc for them and he said he had been doing this for 20 years and no one had ever asked for them until me. Welcome to me! No wonder I hurt unless I took drugs!! And I smelled for the first time in weeks...I was so thrilled to smell my own fart in the car!! Sorry, but it's true! I haven't been completely gone-just taking a break from running my mouth and taking more time to read other people's thoughts. I ran across this website called "Tom and Wes' Cool Site". I actually googled for sinus surgery and came across "Things from Wes' Nose"-which includes pictures. It's strangely comforting knowing other people out there have had big blobs of bloody mucus sucked out of their nose...The reason I bring this up is not about the mucus, though. It's actually a website/photolog/journal kept by a homosexual couple and it's very fascinating...it starts in 95, I believe, with Wes wanting to bring his new partner out to a family gathering, and the letters that go back and forth between him and other family members. He ends up putting them on the web, and a magazine eventually publishes them as well. It's a candid peek into a couple's life and what they deal with in regards to homophobia and AIDS. It's very compelling...definitely amusing and heartfelt. You should look it up..just google one of the phrases I mentioned earlier; I can't remember the "official" name.So I guess I'll leave Ebay alone for awhile as well. I found Ebay strangely entertaining when I was "high" on painkillers. I spent hours just looking at everything...I couldn't read in this condition because I couldn't focus well enough on pages..but I could hit computer keys. Don't worry-I only forked out 5 bucks on some animal skulls, turtle shells and fish scales for work~they came from a kid in MO who had picked these things up while fishing..also some thorns from a honey locust tree. This stuff is great to show kids. Oh, and I rewatched episodes of "MillenniuM". If you haven't watched this show-Rent it! Buy it! This show kicks ass! This is who we are.In my cyber travels I also figured out what those outfits worn by Middle Eastern women are called-the ones with a dress, pants, and a shawl. The dress/pants combo are "salwar kameez" and the scarf or shawl is called a "dupatta". I'm sorry-but I have loved this clothing and have wanted my friend in Iraq to get me some. Yeah-I would probably hate it if I was forced to wear it, but I'm not-so I like it! Anywho, you learn something new everyday!Anyway, now I've got to cope with reality again. It was almost fun in a sick way to have a break with "mood-enhancing" substances to consume. I think I used my time wisely...I "broadened" my mind.There-for all my friends that love to use pot...I took a "pot break" as well. Are ya happy??? (Edited to clarify that I did not use pot, but have had experiences similar in taking my meds!)I don't want to return to reality...reality sucks. I liked kicking back, high as a kite, cruisin' the net. Scary!! But I can breathe! Well, my sinuses are a bit swollen right now from pulling those damn railroad ties outta my nose..but it'll get better. Right?? HeheCan you believe a person actually put up old animal parts for auction of Ebay??? Better yet, can you believe someone would buy the shit?? Yep-that would be me. Seriously, folks-this does make great teaching material. Saturday, September 03, 2005 9:22 PM - Recovery is slowwww...... Current mood: awake It's been 4 days since my surgery. No more bleeding so I don't have to wear gauze under my nose. Which is good because the tape caused my face to get all red and peel! Yuck!The pain is not in my whole head anymore, but my nose is on fire, The splints inside that are supporting the septum they broke are rubbing against the inside of my nose and hurts like hell. I put some neosporin inside, and I'm still taking pain pills because I can't sleep. I'm very congested and the kicker is I'm not allowed to blow my nose so I keep sniffing constantly. Stuff keeps draining down my throat, so I have to use phernergan suppositories every one in a while to keep the nausea at bay. Isn't this just disgusting?? The whole situation is annoying as heck~I just hope the outcome is worth it. Oh yeah, the gums behind my front teeth are still numb, too. Feels weird. I can't taste any of my food, so it's actually pretty hard to eat because I don't really feel that hungry.I'm not sure if I'm going to the Reptile Show tomorrow since a) Gas has gone up so much and b) it feels kind of weird to go out and enjoy myself when so many people are suffering. I have watched some of the Katrina coverage for the first time today (hey, folks-I've been drugged!) and it's just shitty how it took so long to get some real help down there. Never trust the goverment to save your ass, cuz it ain't gonna happen. Reminded me that I need to replace my water supply here, as well as the canned food Shelby and I ate when things were tough. May sound crazy but I am going to do everything in my power to ensure self-reliance in the face of disaster. You see what happens if you can't help yourself. Having supplies won't guarantee my survival, but it sure will help my peace of mind. Maybe I should should tuck some of these painkillers away....then I won't give a F*** if I'm starving! I'll sure be happy! Hahaha-okay...one shouldn't laugh when so many people are in dire straits. But I'm not laughing at them, I'm laughing at me! Believe me, I'm a pretty hilarious sight right now.We're too far above sea level to flood to a great extent, aren't we? I mean, I know if we're near a water source like a river of lake we could flood like New Orleans. But could we flood in North Raleigh to that extent just from a hurricane? Yeah-I'm stupid-at least I admit not knowing that, and maybe someone out there could tell me.Good-my pills are kicking in...I was about to rip off my nose. Ahhhh-the power of hydrocodone. It it so bad to enjoy drugs this much?? Hahaha-see ya later.... Friday, September 02, 2005 8:09 AM - Where's Superman when you need him? Current mood: angry I find it extremely distressing that thousands of people are stuffed in the Astrodome hungry and even dying. The news says there aren't enough buses to move them out, etc., etc. Why can't school buses from surrounding states drive down and help?? I think a few days off school would be warranted in this situation, or parents could drive them to school. Let's not even get into the gas prices right now; people's lives are more important.If the majority of our National Guard was not overseas, they could be assisting Americans here, where they are needed. I think getting people out of that situation down South takes priority over everything right now. If that were my family, I would expect from my goverment better assistance and humanity that what they are receiving right now. Now I can truly see what to expect if such a calamity were to hit here. I'm glad I have an emergency kit put together with extra food and water. It may be nasty MRE granola bars and water in packets, but it's more than many people have right now, and it's only been reinforced to me that the government is ill prepeared to deal with large disasters and their aftermath.Of course, this is just my take on things, and I've been on pain meds for two days, but it doesn't take much to see that people are suffering and that more should have been done already~it shouldn't even have reached the point where dead bodies are lying around and people are being raped in the Superdome. Pathetic Americans. Thursday, September 01, 2005 2:58 PM - Update on Nose! :) Current mood: sore Okay-surgery went fine-not that I'd remember. All I know is I woke up and the very nice lady gave me lortab, phetanyl, and toradol. I was feeling good!! Then that night the pain started to come on. I woke up at least once an hour, and one time I had to lay down on the bathroom floor because I was very dizzy-reminescent of those shitty hangovers. Yesterday I went and had the packing taken out, and it felt like they pulled super-plus tampons out of my nostrils. Remember the scene in Total Recall where he pulls the tracking device out of his nose?? Yeah-that's what it felt and looked like. I had to wear gauze under my nose the first two days because blood and stuff kept running out, so now my cheeks are irritated and red from the tape. I still have the splints in my nose, which I didn't really notice until today. Now I feel like I have two pencils shoved up my nose, and I am congested, but I'm not allowed to blow my nose. I have to keep spraying saline nasal spray as often as possible, but it's all caked up inside with blood. You can even tell I have something in my nose because the bottom of my nostrils are kind of sticking up like a piglet's nose. Very attractive!I had to take two Loratab for the first day every 3 to 4 hours, because one wasn't enough-yeah-I'm a big baby! Also had to take phernergan because strong drugs make me barf. So I was pretty out of it. Was down to one pill, but this evening my nose is raw from the saline spray and I can't blow and it's driving me crazy and I just need the drugs to forget all of this crap!!My upper gums behind my front teeth are also numb, and the medication makes your mouth dry, so I've been sucking on Hall's Fruit Breezers and drinking loads of water. My boss and one of my co-workers brought over some dinner for me and Shelby Tues night and last night, which was way cool and such a nice thing to do. Shelby's been really good about helping out..it's just bad being around the house all day because I keep seeing things I can do, and the nurse told me on the phone that I need to lay down and not move around so much because that makes my heart rate increase which can lead to a greater loss of blood. But I think most of the bleeding has stopped by now. I sound really nasal when I talk-I hope that goes away...there's enough things I do that are annoying to people let alone sounding like Fran Drescher! I did get out today to put some gas in my car-wish I could have went out last night but I was too drugged up. Ge-sus!! $3.25 a gallon~at this rate I won't be able to afford to drive to work...and don't say ride a freakin bike because if I owned one I surely would! Damn republicans...I just read somewhere that affluent families spend about 4 percent of their income on transportation while poor families spend closer to 12 percent. Figures.And of course I feel for the victims of Katrina...I just haven't had much time to really think about anything since I've been in "Elmo's World" for the last two days. And now Shelby has a cold. When it rains in this house, it FLOODS! Hehe Okay, must go try to watch "Prison Break." I was too high to watch it the other night.Hope everyone is doing well....another update later! Would someone please blow their nose as a symbolic gesture for me?? Thank you.
So, I'm having surgery on Tuesday~the whole nine yards - septoplasty, ESS (endoscopic sinus surgery), turbinate reduction and polyp removal. In translation, this means they are going to ream my nose and sinuses out with a small catuerizing laser and break the cartilage inside of my nose to reposition it. I can't wait! I've already freaked myself out by reading too much of the misleading internet, and have come full circle to accept my fate and hope for the best. My friend Marti is taking me in to Blue Ridge Surgery Center and will have to stay there the length of the surgey plus recovery time~approximately 2 and half hours for surgery; another hour or two for recovery. I guess "recovery" means you can walk out on your own without passing out. Padding will be shoved up my nose and removed the next day~another trip to the docs to pad their wallet. I will have plastic splints sutured to my septum for a week as well. I will be going home with a "drip pad" taped to the bottom of my nose, and was told it will have to changed on an average of every ten minutes or so. "What if I'm sleeping?" I asked. "Oh, the blood soaking through the pad will wake you up." Great answer. I read that one of the possible complications from this surgery is having your brain cavity nicked by the cleaning of the maxillary sinuses (the ones above your eye sockets). If this occurs, spinal fluid will leak out of your nose. "So," I asked, "If that happens, can you FIX that?" The doctor responded "Oh, yeah. We just place some fat up there to close up the perforation. It's only happened to me once." Like I really wanted to hear about his past mishaps.GREAT. And where is that fat gonna come from?I know~I sound like a fatalist right now. Honestly though, I'm just trying to be realistic. You just never know what could happen when you go under general anasthesia. I've already gotten all of the "it's going to be okay" speeches. It will- either I make it, or I don't. If I make it-then the next step comes. ...Pain Management! I don't consider myself a wuss by any means, but I must admit that I feel pain is an unnecessary factor when there are plenty of good drugs around to remedy that. Hopefully, this presciption of hydrocodone will assist in that area. If not, I may request one or two of you guys to come over here and bonk me in the head with a hammer. Don't worry~I won't hold it against you. Though I've been told that it will take at least a week to get over the major pain and be able to return to work, I hope it's a little less as I cannot afford to miss anymore. I was also told an adult needed to stay with me the first night home...but I don't think I can swing that either. To add insult to injury, I was also told I may have to vomit here and there as the blood from the surgey runs down the back of your throat into your stomach and makes you sick. Hence the other prescription for phenergan~suppositories, no less!! So basically I'm going to be a limping train wreck with a F***ed up face and a thing stuck up my butt so I won't ralph. I can think of anything better I could be doing!! HeheI know, I know..."But you will feel so much better once this is done!" Oh yeah, and your upper teeth and gums may be numb for a couple of weeks, but the feeling will gradually return. That's cool...I don't really care about eating anyway~NOT!Okay, I'll stop the armageddon procedural talk. Let's just hope Tues afternoon sees me in my bed, passed out to the world, feeling no pain, but still being able to wake my daughter up at 5:30 on Wed morning to catch the bus. Now that will be a miracle!!I'm sure I will post again before Tues morning, but I just thought I'd get that out since the more I hear it, the more it goes in one ear and out the other. By Tues, I'll be chipper and ready. IVs? Breathing tube? Shoving cameras and sharp instruments up my nose?? GO FOR IT!!And just a warning: As I will be legally high as a kite for a few days, I cannot be held responsible for any stupid shit I might say to anyone. Oh, wait...I always say stupid shit,...so nevermind.Cards and letters of sympathy are not necessary, but offerings of clear liquids and foot masages will be appreciated!! Hehehe
Okay...the Old Man requested to see some pictures of some of the things I ate at Bugfest last Saturday. I pulled these off the loacl news website. Enjoy!! I did! First, I started with the scorpion and silkworm pupa stir-fry:Then, you add some "critter fritters" made with mealworms, waxworms, and crickets: Add some "ant"-chiladas to your plate..yummy!!And for the piece de resistance' ~ Giant steamed Waterbug!!I even went back for seconds!!
So, I'm really excited about the Bugfest tomorrow. It's a whole day dedicated to insects!! Ewwww...Kath would love that! Haha I will also be eating plenty of dishes served up with bugs at the Cafe Insecta! Great stuff...Check out the festivities at:NC Musuem of Natural Sciences Bugfest!Now aren't you jealous?
To save repetition in typing, I have copied my recent entry from my space here..so those of you that actually read this will know I'm not dead...just barely breathing!! HAHAMy daughter has had a great first week home. She got here Sat evening, and Sunday morning she woke up with a fever of 103. Monday was the same, with her fever wavering between 101 and 103, even with Advil every 4 to 6 hours. The doctor said just to wait it out for at least 72 hours. She also had red swellings on her legs and feet. Tuesday morning I said screw this and was at the doctor first thing. They looked at the swellings and took her temp and did bloodwork, but basically they had no answers. They gave her Tylenol and said they would have to wait for the bloodwork to come back. We went to the grocery store to get her some apple juice and chicken soup, and then came home. When we got out of the car, she put a book in her mouth to free her hands, and she cut her inner lip on the book pages. How many of you have put a book in your mouth to use your hands?? At first, her lip swelled a bit, and I told her to put ice on it. The next time I looked, her lip had blown up like she had a botox injection!! We jumped in the car, and flew back to the doctor. They took her back as soon as we walked in the door and within minutes, the doctor gave her a Benadryl shot and prednisone by mouth. He said she was having a localized allergic reaction and asked what had been on the book. "Nothing, other than dirt maybe!" Every nurse and doctor that had been there that morning filed in to look at her, and it felt like we were on some episode of "ER". The doctor said initially that this had nothing to do with the symptoms she had that morning, but I wasn't convinced, and he didn't look too sure of himself either. Poor Shelby was laying there with an icepack on her lip, whining because of the shot she had to have. (She's not much for needles) I'm tapping my feet convinced she had brought some strange disease back from Florida with her, but trying to look calm. (I wasn't too good at that) Shelby still had the strange red places on her feet and legs-different places than that morning. Then the area she had the benadryl shot in her arm started swelling and becoming very red. I showed this to the doctor at which point he said she seemed ultra-sensitive to things touching her and that this was strange.No shit, Sherlock! I said she was never like this before.He got on the phone with a collegue-a doctor of dermatology, and asked us to drive over there right now and he was going to work us in. This doctor basically said Shelby had uticaria, or hives due to a viral infection. He prescribed Allegra and prednisone. This office was also where alot of cosmetic and plastic surgery was performed, and the nurse joked with Shelby saying a lot of women paid big bucks for lips like Shelby had. Shelby laughed and said that she looked like a fish. So this was our day Tuesday. To top it off, I had spent the last of our money buying stuff for Shelby to eat, so I didn't have any to get the presciptions filled. Luckily, I'm taking prednisone until I get my stupid sinuses operated on (they swell up and I can't breathe)- so at least we had that. She's finally broke the high fever, but is still running a low grade fever sometimes during the day. Her other bloodwork won't be back for 7 to 10 days, but her initial CBC (complete blood count) came back with nothing irregular. So, no one really has any definitive answers on what is going on.I am trying to keep at bay the hypochondriac thoughts of something bad, hoping it is just some random viral thing. Her lips have returned to normal, and she didn't have a fever most of the day. I have missed three days of work, and because I don't have benefits that's three days of no pay. I am trying to keep positive, but things like this really weigh you down.I guess life would be really boring if I didn't have events like this to keep me on my toes. If there is a God, he (or she) has a very strange sense of humor.Okay...I got that off my chest and now I feel better. Sorry if I bummed anyone out. I try not to do that, but sometimes life isn't all peaches and cream. Shocker!!
Well, I had a wonderful time yesterday just sitting around the apartment complex pool with two of my girlfriends just blabbing like girls do. We were out there around four hours, just chatting about everything and nothing~without kids! What a nice break. However, this was my first time laying out in a bathing suit this season, and since I had basically a farmer's tan(my neck and arms) from work, I decided to forego the sunblock. Oh, and to make it even better, I added straight baby oil to the mix. Can we say "stupid"??? Now, I look like a lobster, and needless to say, I'm in a bit of pain. Oh well~I brought this on myself...but in about 4 days, I'll look great! Haha!! I'm such an idiot. Last night I watched a movie recommended by a friend~The Velocity of Gary. It was actually pretty interesting, if not sad. Vincent D' Onofrio, Salma Hayek, and Thomas Jane star in this rather odd "love triangle" between the three. I've never seen Vincent make out with a guy! It has some same-sex makeout scenes(just a note if you're uncomfotable with that), but the premise of the movie is intriguing. Without giving too much away, it was about three street people and the lives they share together, and how they deal with the tradgedy of AIDS when it appears among them. Kind of a harsh movie, but interesting nonetheless.
I shift back and forth between this blog and the other one I keep at my space. Sometimes I actually have some neat thoughts there~my opinion~of course! But if you'd like to check it out, you can click here:Tonya's MySpace BlogIt's always a bit odd to come here and see that so many people are reading this. Who are you delightful strangers that find amusement in my paltry writing? Unless, of course, you just come here to laugh at me~but I wouldn't blame you! I try to laugh at myself as much as possible!
So, I've went on a couple of dates~enough to make up for the couple of years I've been pursuing a job and single parenthood. Apparently I haven't really been missing all that much!! How long must one fish this sea?? Or is it fished out?? I think the mercury has killed all the really great guys as well. Is it too much to want someone just like Gil Grissom off CSI?? Okay, that order might be a little too steep. Personally, I just want to go out and dance some more. I feel like I'm 20 again, and nothing matters but the music. It's harder to make girlfriends than it is to find a man snuffling around your door~and girl friends are what I need right now...just cool people to hang out with that I can have fun with~no expectations. Oh sure, you can say that to guys...they hear "Hey, I'll have sex with you and you don't even have to feed me first." No. My daughter is not back yet from Florida. And now she wants to stay two more weeks. I can handle this~I'm a grown woman....I'm supposed to enjoy this time to myself. I do, but it's so damn lonely!! The solitude is nice, but I miss having someone here who gives me unconditional hugs. Well, actually, I can't forget the cats. They are driving me nuts as their not used to a quiet house, either. My only nighttime entertainment is watching them chase after the crickets that get out of the lizards' and spiders' cages. First day of summer camps. We taught two camps that were three hours apiece of 6 to 8 year olds. They were great kids, but boy, am I tired!! Now I remember what it was like to teach all day, and let me tell you~teachers deserve hazard pay!Well, I guess now I'll go take a shower, smoke a cigarette, and attempt to make the most of it! I wonder if taping up my cat's feet so I watch them jump around psychotically would be considered cruelty to animals?? JUST KIDDING!!
My weekend went much better than anticipated! Yeah!! Went out with a friend and her boyfriend Saturday night, and I got to dance~nothing makes me happier!! Also spent a day doing the girl "thang"~having coffee, shopping, and generally shooting the shit for hours on end...that was great as I don't get to do that too often as well. So. overall, my first weekend by myself went great, and I am pleased. Goodness, I worry too much! :grin: The house is so quiet and clean without an 11 year old here. I feel a bit guilty actually enjoying it, but I know I need the break. This morning was the first time I have turned the TV on in four days~just the quiet or music has been sufficient for me. Nice....ahhh! I did watch "Suspect Zero" not long ago, as the movies I rented are due back tomorrow. It was decent. There is a person or two from the my space site that I would like to be able to meet and have coffee or whatever with (don't read into that!), but I'm a bit reluctant after the escapade with the Irish guy. Now is the perfect opportunity to meet people and keep it between adults (in other words not involve my daughter at this point unless something more solid is established), yet I still feel a little vulnerable after things just went to hell in such a short period of time and for reasons I still don't quite comprehend. I know that meeting people is like a crap shoot, and in order to be successful I may have to go through a bit of bad luck before possibly finding someone decent. Easier said than done!! And I know I may not find exactly what I'm looking for, but I may make some good friends along the way. Boy, college was definitely a lot easier than this!! Awww-just talked to my daughter on the phone-now I miss her immensely. I'm such a big baby!
Not looking forward to the next couple of weeks. My daughter will be in FL with her dad, and I met an awesome guy I was planning on spending some great time with. That went to sh#t. In the span of a week, I succeeded, after being treated like a queen, to apparently scaring him off because I was honest and said I really liked him. If I would have played games and the hard-to-get role~it seems I would still be in what I thought was pleasant company. I now know he's an ass, but that was after I opened my heart. Now I'll be spending a beautiful Memorial Day weekend in the company of me, myself, and I. Not bad company~if I might say, but life is a little more exciting if you have someone to share it with. You know, in times like these I need to remember the beauty of solitude and the fact that I deserve better. What really gets my goat though is that he made excellent friends with my daughter, and now she misses him. It's one thing to be an ass to another adult, but you don't bring the feelings of a child into it. I usually have better judgement than this, but I was blinded by charm. Now I'm just pissed at myself. Damn Irish men!! Next time I'll remember to keep them in their place!! HAHAAh well-another of life's little lessons...slow and painful process...but think of what a well-rounded person I will end up becoming?? Hey, I'm trying to be positive here...bear with me!
Let's see...I really hate to just sit and bitch, but I need to get some things off of my chest. How has my week been?? Well, for starters, my couch is broke...and this sucks. People have been trying to be nice~"Hey, I know where you can get a decent used couch for a hundred bucks." Yeah-like I have a hundred dollars for a couch. HA !! I've been driving around for three days with my oil light blinking...not because I'm too stupid to add more, but because I didn't have two bucks for a quart of oil!!! I actually swallowed my stupid pride today at work and asked a few people if they had a spare quart in their cars, and they all looked at me like I was stupid. Is it only me that tries to carry extra oil???Okay, I tangented there. Anyway, then my allergies have been making me thoroughly miserable this month~runny nose, headaches, irritability...ALLERGIES-NOT PMS!! My allergist said two days ago that this was the end of the line-I need surgery. Yeah-yippe~actually, at this point I would be thrilled if they cut off my head if it would go away. But my allergist needs to send a note to my primary care provider, who then needs to send a referral to another doctor, and so on ad nauseum. By the time they get around to it, I will have lost my job anyway due to the work I've missed because I can't breathe or talk or shit due to this unending crap. This afternoon I let my daughter go home with a friend while I worked, remembering when I got back to work that she had an appointment with her therapist. I called the mom to let her know to have her ready to go and she mentioned that Shelby had a rash. I just figured it may have been heat rash because she helps to load students afterschool. On the way to pick her up, I notice that the car is pretty much on "E" and the damn oil light is blinking. I have approximately $1.65 in the bank. I get to the neighbor's house and observe that Shelby has this lacy-like rash all over her arms and legs. I'm not an idiot-I immediately ask her if she's ate something different or rolled around in the bushes..."No. No." We run to the nearest local Urgent Care where we were informed she has "Fifth Disease." Sounds ominous, but it's actually just a viral rash, caused by a parvovirus~in the same family as the parvo viruses that dogs and cats are vaccinated against. Not the very same virus, but same family. Nothing you can do about it...it's pretty much like a cold. You just wait it out. Mildly contagious, but before the rash appears. Can't wait to see if I get that one!! On the bright side, ~60 percent of adults have already been exposed to this virus growing up and will not be affected by it. with my luck, I'll be in the 40th percentile that has not been exposed. Asked them to write a note because the way this stuff looks-they'd think I was sending her to school with some strange hemmorhagic fever.I digress once more....Shelby's caring father is three and a half weeks late with child support. I call and leave a very pleasant, practically begging message to please send at least 50 bucks so we can get gas and food. He's caring enough to call back, give her some bullshit lines, then give me a 20 minute lecture about how he pays every week and it's not his fault I'm not getting it. Is this the point???? No~I think food and gas are the point.So, haha, by the time we get to her therapist, I walk in....and I cry. I bawl. I haven't cried in probably two years. Our therapist (and I say "our" now because Shelby and I have known her about two years and we both talk to her) let me cry. Then she informed me that it was perfectly legit to cry because I had too much on my plate right now, and that no one can do things alone. Which I do everyday because we have no family and very few friends. So, of course, I proceed to cry some more~once I started, I just couldn't stop!! Damn those stupid female hormones! Anyway, she had me break my problems down, MADE me borrow some money (what kind of therapist does this??) and generally allowed to me to vent. This woman is extraordinary~patience of a saint and pretty much the only person I tell our problems to because I don't like to burden my few friends-they have enough troubles. Then she says she has something to tell us-her husband is being relocated to another part of the state for his job and she's leaving at the end of the month. And then she cries!! I laugh and say"You're not supposed to cry." And then of course her crying makes me cry again. Now we're all unhappy, but now somehow less burdened with the weights of life because I don't know about you~but crying makes me tired and a bit more relaxed once I'm through. I mean, I know that it causes your body to release messenger chemicals...blah, blah, blah. But I hate it! I'm not supposed to cry!! I am the adult and I'm supposed to make sure everything is A-Okay. But I could analyze this forever...let's just say that after a harrowing day,....I feel better and this wonderful woman came to the rescue of a family she has no ties to. Funny how help can come from the oddest places~and I'm so thankful for that. I was feeling so badly about not being able to provide and be everthing I want and need to be to my daughter~I just wanted to literally be absorbed by the environment. Or die~whatever is more melodic to you. I have pretty much had the ephipany that this is why I don't make more friends. I am damaged goods somehow...although I do my best to make ends meet and be a loving parent, I can't do it all. But it is nobody else's responsibility but my own. I don't want to burden other people with my problems-I would rather uplift instead of bring down. And I definitely don't want a man to see that I'm insufficient. They would just think that if I can't handle my own life, then I must be looking for someone to rescue us. All I really want is someone to give a shit-about Shelby and I as people-not as charity cases or because they feel bad about our situation. But because they just genuinely like who we are. Unfortunately, this is who we are. (haha) I can't handle everything. I can't pay all of the bills unless her father pays what he's supposed to-which he never does. I keep hoping for the day where I will make enough money so that his paltry assistance-or lack thereof-won't cause me to falter. I know I'll get there. It's just days like this that I'm glad at least one person is willing to take the time to listen-even if she is paid to do so~it rescued us this day. Now we live to fight through another calamity.*I am now Mel Gibson, laying on the alter in Braveheart. I do not give up although they are killing me. I just yell out "Freedom!!"*
I realized that I have spent a lot of time complaining about many of the bad things that my daughter does, and have not shared the positive aspects of who she is. Well, I'm doing that now!Shelby is very smart. She always gets excellent grades in school, and she is actually in an advanced reading class. She reads all of the time~just like Mom, she has about 4 different books going at once. When we hop into the car to go somewhere, she takes about 5 books with her "just in case." hahaShe loves animals, and always trys to bring a stray cat or two home just as I did as a child. I hate saying no, but we already have three, and it's hard enough to keep up with those! Something that tells me she is special is that our Siamese Cleo always chooses to sleep with her~Siamese cats are very finicky and will not tolerate anything unless they find it favorable in some way. As soon as Shelby is off to bed, Cleo hops up with her and knows it's her bedtime, too. Shelby is very active and loves to compete in sports and competitions at school. She has won the Presidential Academic Fitness Award three years in a row, and she always qualifies for the multi-school competitions. Though this year, she didn't place in the top three which left her feeling badly. I told her just qualifying to get to that point is an achievement in itself.Though her and I have difficulties, every parent whose house she has stayed at always comments on how well-behaved and thoughtful she is. She goes out of her way to be nice to everyone, and tends to watch over those children that are smaller and/or weaker than others.One time at school she had a problem with a boy in her class saying obscene and inappropriate things to her, and she didn't hestitate to inform me immmediately of her concerns. That takes some guts!The other night, she went on a night hike with me at work with a class, and I found a firefly larvae~which glows in the dark~and the kids were totally impressed. Shelby grabbed my arm and said "I'm glad your my mom. You're so cool." That was awesome! And even though she's gotten a bit girly about holding the odd critters that mom likes to bring home, she held that little "wiggly" thing all the way home~almost crying because it grossed her out, but holding it nonetheless!So I guess she's not so bad after all! Here's a pic she took the other day of us together~it's mostly of her~and that's okay! This entry is for her! I love you Shelby!!!
Had a busy couple of weeks!! Last week was the final day of my homeschool group..we've been discussing The Lorax and the conservation issues surrounding this Dr. Suess classic. I saw these kids twice a month for the last three months and I must say I miss the little crumb- snatchers! Here's a pic of my class in front of the "Lorax" mural we created during the course of the class! This weekend I worked a park celebration that had over 1100 attendees! Needless to say, that was a busy tiring day. On Sunday, I spent most of the day exploring the Reptile and Exotic Animal Show at the state fairgrounds in Raleigh. Interesting stuff as well as a great place to people watch! Exotic animal lovers are quite a motley bunch!! :grin: Had a picture taken with an 80 pound snake around my neck-God! That thing was heavy! Check it out.....The pictures were hosted by Roark's Animal Safari - this guy is great! Equivalent to an American Steve Erwin (by crikey, what a beaut!! ); he's appeared on Animal Planet as well as other shows.....you should take a look at his website: Roark's Animal SafariAnyway, more blabbering later....I have to attend to the spawn of Satan. What? You didn't know??? I have literally given birth to a child of the devil!!! Parenting is such an enjoyable pasttime-I recommend it to everyone, especially my worst enemies!!! LOL!!
My friend Tammy in Iraq always sends me funny crap..here's her newest.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."~Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel doesnot go nearly as well with pizza."~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!"~ Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.Here's how it went:"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way,regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
I feel a need to write this evening as I haven't really been inudated by IMs and random emails. It's funny how I miss the constant blathering chatter from the peanut gallery. I wish I could wax poetic and be witty and bantering-what I would consider my usual self-but my happiness is held in check by the invisible strings of money. Men-bleh!...it infuriates me that they can create life and walk away from their responsibilities. At the same time they can call thier minatures on the phone and play loving daddy...meanwhile the mom is left making excuses as to why there is no food in the house. And it's not gracious to bitch-why, I should be happy that we have a roof over our heads and clothes to wear. Whatever!.......all I know is we have no milk, the gas gauge is on "E", and I have no freakin' cigarettes! Selfish mother-there are more important things than cigarettes..Duh! My one true vice that gets me through times like these...and I don't even have nicotine to lean on! *Skanky nicotine addict searches through the ashtray to seek out half-smoked cigs; lights and hotboxes the tiny pitiful butts.* You know, I should probably revel in my sorrow as it will make the joy so much more rewarding! Bah! Bite me! :mabiuswoz'ere: My daughter is a raving lunatic right now-every minute with her is like an eternity in teenage angst hell. If I have to see that hateful face one more minute I think I'm going to shoot a hole in my foot just for the sheer ecstacy of it! Ha-ha You know, I fuzzily remember being unhappy and unfulfilled at that age, but damn-Give me a break! I had drunks for parents-I had a God-given right to be hateful!! I swear I do everything for that kid and I have an excellent reason that I patiently present if there's something that's out of my power. What happened to the grubby little cards given to you with kool-aid stained hands that said "Best Mom Ever!"? Now I get sneers and stomps. Revenge, karma...whatever this is....I'd like to pass please, Chuck! Can I buy a vowel instead??? Now, add to the mix that mom is trying to make some real friends...can we say "armageddon?" Let me take a moment here to define "real friends" - "people one actually meets in person; i.e. individuals that can actually be enjoyed with the five senses." If I type "LOL" one more time I think I'm going to experience projectile vomiting. Chat buddies are so fickle...I know I am. If I don't want to talk to you, you can be damn sure I won't! Just because the Yahoo shows me as not on,...I'm there, all right, lurking in the background in case I actually do have something brilliant to say. Which hasn't been lately; hence, my lack of communication with others right now. You barely know these people (OK-some you might know in a biblical sense from one crazy night involving too much alcohol)-but that's beside the point. You don't want to be messing up their perfectly oblivious lives by saying "Hey, f%cking kill me! Mi life suxs!! BTW, did u catch the new ep of House?" I don't think they would much appreciate it, nor consider you a good enough buddy to talk to you at a later time when you've possibly regained your sanity. Real friends do this; virtual ones do not-unless of course you've been talking with them for quite some time. Most of my buddies don't fall into this category because they just learned how to read recently...haha! Actually, very lame joke pertaining to the fact that many of my buddies are young, a characteristic I seek intentionally. Young people are still having fun, still savoring life, still seeking fulfillment - I find that enticing. (I really think it's because older people might actually recognize how crazy I am!! The younger ones won't notice a thing!!) Young or old, either way, I still sit in this apartment ready to scream when they ask me to come out and play and I can't because I'm a parent and I'm responsible....I don't wanna be here! I wanna go out and play with my friends!! Life's not fair!!! - --Boy, that sounds so ominously familiar! Well, Tonya - you need older, mature friends who understand your situation and will take it into consideration-not these young, foolish types who have no time for you or your woes!! Great advice, thanks!! I have those friends, too! They go to bed at 9:00, and never step out of the house for fear they might melt!!Ack!-can you say boring? Well, this had been a cleansing moment brought to you by a wacko in Raleigh-can you say sleeping meds??? Ahhhh-now that hits the spot. Now I can lay down and forget my problems briefly until they come back to haunt me tomorrow! The sweet respite of sleep and temporary sanity! Now I know why the chemists make all those big bucks! The candymen of the new Millenia! Now, ain't that a bitch!!
This is one of my poems that I wrote in 1992 for college. It's one of my favs. "Maternal Bliss"America, my beautiful country,So true to your heritage.Trails of Tears, ComeAmerica.Come steal our land, Kill our braves,And rape our women.America of spacious skies,Bring forth the ships Of weary niggers.Beat them, chain them,And rip away their pride.America, land of the free,Send our sons far awayTo dieAn unimportant death.Savagely spit uponThe bent heads of the Lucky survivorsWhen they return home.America, my opportunisticMother.Allow me to take your hand.Walk with me.Let me show you the beauty of your past.
Boy, what a long week! The park is super busy due to spring-we have tons of school kids coming for nature programs! It's nice to stay busy, though-I love talking to young kids-they're so unjaded! Preschoolers are the best-so curious and honest....it's tiring to actually come home to my own preteen where everything I say or do is wrong! We had to do a major discipline overhaul in the house this week because I've been lax about doling out the consequences...it's so much easier to blow off the punishments when you're tired and don't want the tension-bad, I know. Now I'm paying for it with fighting, arguments and tension. I had been told this would come, but I didn't heed the warnings. Shelby and I are so much alike and I see myself in her. She also has a lot of anger and issues with her dad moving to another state-I failed to recall what it was like myself growing up without my dad-probably because I just shut it out. That's how I deal with losing people-I shut it out. It's just a coping mechanism-I know-but it works for me. Or does it? It's not the appropriate way to deal with loss, but with having to move every three years and always leaving friends behind this was the way my pysche chose to deal with it. Now I realize this is the very thing that prevents me from making new friends and getting close to others...I'm working on it!! I feel so tense just meeting new people-we all want to make a good impression-but I think I begin writing people off before I even get the chance to know them...it's like my brain is saying "You will not become emotionally involved with this person!" I've always told everyone that I will be an old, reclusive crazy lady with 30 cats and whose house smells like cat piss who sits on her front porch and screams "Get off my lawn!" He-he So, if you see her in the future, say hello cuz it might be me!!! By the way, for all those strangers that wander upon my meager ramblings, I must insist that you realize that this is not the workings of a psycho-in-the-making, but the honest accounts of me and who I am at the moment....I'm actually pretty sane and can say that with 99% accuracy! Writing my feelings is carthartic, and once I'm done, I actually feel that I've already resolved the issue by voicing my thoughts in cyberspace. And you must admit, anyone who is this honest can't be all that bad!! But I can understand if you simply think I'm crazy....and I quote the Cheshire Cat from Lewis Carrol's Alice in Wonderland - "We're all a little mad here!"
Most awesome night! The emoticons probably express it better than me....met a cute guy, had a few drinks, some great conversation, and now I'm left wanting more!!! Ha-Ha - can't scare him off (yet!), but man those gorgeous blue eyes!!! Love those electrical sparks that make you sizzle...hate being "proper" so you're not considered "easy"! Horrid thought-makes you want to abandon parenthood and run off into the singles world!! Of course, I would never do that-but one can have fleeting thoughts, right? Oh well, man , no drug equates to the high of attraction! Too bad reality will kick in soon..he'll find out the true me!! Ok-I'm not that bad! Just wear my thoughts and feelings on my sleeve-damned female hormomes that make you act like an idiot! Current mood: EuphoricSong playing: "Rock you like a hurricane" - Scorpionsthen again, I could be making this all up...you'll never know!
Boy, the cyber world is a scary place. I haven't had instant messenger in awhile, because I felt no need for it. Well, I posted a pic on the Hot or Not site because I want to meet new people (mostly of the male variety!). Many people had IM names, so I decided to install yahoo messenger. Great. All's well. Then out of the woodwork all of these random guys start IMing me, saying the most bizarre things! I am just internet-challenged. I didn't realize that the yahoo member directory showed me as "online" and "send me a message!" So, I changed that real quick. Now, I sign on as invisible and usually stay that way because I am so freaked out!Honestly, I didn't realize that I would get so many responses. I guess I am so used to being by myself that this onslaught of people was weird. I guess I forgot that there are tons of people out there like me who are looking for people as well. How egocentric of me to assume that I am the only one who feels lonely sometimes, huh? And to be completely honest, I have been so out of the "dating loop"for awhile that I wanted, I guess, an objective opinion about my appearance. So shallow-but at least I can admit it! What is really ironic is that I always felt that I have below average self-esteem. My average rating at this site is a "6.6". I feel I look better than that! So, I actually must think much higher of myself than I realized! I think that's a good thing, isn't it? Or is it plain conceit? I always equated conceit with those who truly look great, so if I don't look that great, but still think I do, then I must have high self-esteem, right? Or would it be considered delusion? Oh well, I now realize that I have thought way too hard about this and can now give it a rest. On a different note, why are so many guys preoccupied with sex?? Oh- never mind!! That was a stupid question, huh? I just want to talk to someone honestly and get to know them....good god, no wonder I haven't dated in awhile!! This is way too complicated for me! When I was younger, I guess I had more time to devote to the whole relationship scenario....now, I would just like to cut to the chase and not play games. but it seems that guys are very guarded about their feelings...and I would imagine rightly so! Women have screwed it up! they have all of the power already, why do they have to make things worse!!! Ha-Ha....I missed the comfort of TIWWA and the people. Even though I don't know you guys in person, I feel I know you in my mind. Does that make sense? OK-I don't know what dark secrets Joe has, or what Erin does when she's not online, but I feel like I could make an educated guess. I know Graham must carry his computer to the bathroom, as much time as he puts in. David spends much of his time reviewing movies and writing various articles and he's even working on a novel. Southern Celt is very proud of his heritage and family. Joe and wife are waiting for a new baby, and Erin is engaged to Dalwar. Archer and Gravity Well are excited newbies, just like I was only a few months ago. You know by the number of posts they place and the enthusiasm in their words. I seem to relate to Walkabout quite a bit; her sense of humor and intelligence seems to parallel me. Vain and arcanamundi are highly intelligent, as well as fledging666. Erin is a wonderful person,very caring and supportive. Joe always posts very simplisticly-matter of fact. He knows what he wants to say and he says it-no frills. I know you guys better than I know most of my neighbors. I have never been this close to people, yet so far away. This new millennium has brought changes in so many ways...to me,in the way I relate to others. Cyber world has been a home for years for our younger generation, and now I'm experiencing what they must feel. A closeness that they don't get elsewhere. But is that healthy? I believe here it is. Graham and all of the other moderators have created a safe haven for me to come to and feel at home. Thank you.:makingeyes:I realize that I just blathered on and on, but I felt I needed to share that with whoever strolls across this post. I'm feeling a little sentimental tonight...forgive me- it must be hormones!! This is who we are!Sincerest thoughts from my neck of the woods!
Life's Journey :hang:Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn-out, shouting - Holy shit!! What a ride!! My best friend Tammy sent me this from Iraq, so I figure she knows better than anybody!!!
A friend's son showed me this site and it's a great way to meet people in your area. The weird thing about it is that they put up your pic to be rated by others. Kind of different...but you can only contact people if you both click on each other so it's a good way to weed people out, and you don't have to have your pic rated...I am just curious to get random people's opinions on me, because of the occasional bouts of low self esteem. I'm only a 6.8! LOL! At least I'm not a 2! Anyway, it sounded rather shallow, but I thought I would check it out...and it's kind of addictive-maybe because I don't really have any male friends around here, and I miss that. It's free to join, but you do have to pay to upgrade to e-mail status..but you can send short pre-prepared notes for free. As long as one person in a match is a member, you can talk for free. And to upgrade is only like 6 bucks a month-no committment-so it's actually way cheaper than other dating sites. Anyway,if you're bored and want to check it out, my link is: My site at HOT or NOT Please take a minute, it's free and you would be helping someone with their self-esteem! HA-HA, Just kidding, but it is a fascinating site in a weird way....I think because it's something new. That ADD is kicking in again!