Boy, what a long week! The park is super busy due to spring-we have tons of school kids coming for nature programs! It's nice to stay busy, though-I love talking to young kids-they're so unjaded! Preschoolers are the best-so curious and honest....it's tiring to actually come home to my own preteen where everything I say or do is wrong! We had to do a major discipline overhaul in the house this week because I've been lax about doling out the consequences...it's so much easier to blow off the punishments when you're tired and don't want the tension-bad, I know. Now I'm paying for it with fighting, arguments and tension. I had been told this would come, but I didn't heed the warnings. Shelby and I are so much alike and I see myself in her. She also has a lot of anger and issues with her dad moving to another state-I failed to recall what it was like myself growing up without my dad-probably because I just shut it out. That's how I deal with losing people-I shut it out. It's just a coping mechanism-I know-but it works for me. Or does it? It's not the appropriate way to deal with loss, but with having to move every three years and always leaving friends behind this was the way my pysche chose to deal with it. Now I realize this is the very thing that prevents me from making new friends and getting close to others...I'm working on it!! I feel so tense just meeting new people-we all want to make a good impression-but I think I begin writing people off before I even get the chance to know them...it's like my brain is saying "You will not become emotionally involved with this person!" I've always told everyone that I will be an old, reclusive crazy lady with 30 cats and whose house smells like cat piss who sits on her front porch and screams "Get off my lawn!" He-he So, if you see her in the future, say hello cuz it might be me!!! By the way, for all those strangers that wander upon my meager ramblings, I must insist that you realize that this is not the workings of a psycho-in-the-making, but the honest accounts of me and who I am at the moment....I'm actually pretty sane and can say that with 99% accuracy! Writing my feelings is carthartic, and once I'm done, I actually feel that I've already resolved the issue by voicing my thoughts in cyberspace. And you must admit, anyone who is this honest can't be all that bad!! But I can understand if you simply think I'm crazy....and I quote the Cheshire Cat from Lewis Carrol's Alice in Wonderland - "We're all a little mad here!"
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