Kinda Proud Of This...
Kinda proud of myself for this..... Last month, I thought I had a place all lined up for Terry to move into. It was with a couple of so-called "friends". I was in this drumming circle, and the 2 couples that were kinda in charge of the whole thing BOTH split up recently. Karen, the wife of Tim, left her husband for Keith, the husband of Debbie. (Karen and Debbie used to be best friends) Sounds like a typical red-neck drama, huh? Well, Karen is now living with Keith, in this big house, and they were saying they wanted to rent out the upstairs to Terry. They HAD been renting out to this other woman, but she became very sick with cancer and died last month. Karen suggested Terry move in there, when he moves down next month. We all discussed it, via the phone, and had it all arranged. We were just waiting because the woman who was ill had not died yet, though we all knew she would, and it just seemed in poor taste. Well, when she died, Karen and Keith hosted a "memorial" for her, at their home. I attended. There was a guy there named Mike, who is renting a trailer on the property. He's 25. He said he'd seen me before, but never got up the nerve to talk to me. So, he basically came on to me BIG TIME....which was surprising and flattering at the same time, as well as confusing. I'm not that used to strangers coming on to me like that.Well....Karen took notice, and when I called the house after I went home that night, and asked Keith to tell Mike "Thank you" for being so helpful to me (being disabled, I take notice when someone is THAT attentive towards me....Karen sure never has been. She's got the "let 'em sink or swim" attitude) Well, Keith handed Mike the phone, who then tried even MORE to get me to consider going out with him. I'd told him a dozen times that I was engaged, but he wasn't taking "no" for an answer. Well, the next day, when I called Karen for a different reason, she went off on me BIG TIME...saying I shouldn't be doing that when I was engaged. (what the f***??? who's the one who screwed over her best friend and shacked up with her husband, leaving her own husband??? Geee...."Kettle, this is Karen....You're black!") She wouldn't stop bitching at me long enough for me to explain, and then I just couldn't take it anymore and ended the conversation. A few days later.....(maybe a week)....she called me on the day my dog died to tell me that "It wasn't going to work out." She said this AFTER I told her my dog had just died....and came up with some lame excuse about needing to work on that part of the house, which had already been discussed, and we'd all decided it wasn't a problem. NOW, she was using this excuse to keep us away. Well....it was obvious to me...Terry, and pretty much everyone else I talked to that she'd done this because of Mike. When she was in the middle of bitching at me for "hanging around" with Mike too much, she said... "You always do this! Just because a man is nice to you, you just ASSUME he WANTS YOU. Mike was just being NICE! He doesn't WANT YOU!" Bullshit, I say! She went on and on, basically acting like the thought I was the most pathetic looser in the world, who thought that every man who was nice to me wanted me, and that I was delusional. So, it was OBVIOUS that she was doing this out of spite. Now...we've barely spoken since then, and then there was this series of Emails, beginning yesterday, which I shall post here, since I'm a little bit proud of putting this woman in her place after 7 years of her trying to keep me down. Enjoy~ In a message dated 9/19/2005 7:53:39 AM Eastern Standard Time,firstname.lastname@example.org writes:
Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 14:53:41 EDT>>Hi, Karen. No, he hasn't made it down yet. Things have been hell, tryingto find a place for him, since things fell apart with your place. I've beenworking non-stop to try to get something for him. (that's on TOP of all theother work I have to get done) "Oliver", the guy with the place you told meabout, has been putting us off for weeks and weeks, saying he has to wait forthe people he's got to have to work on fixing up this place to finish a jobthey've been working on for over 2 years....before they can even get to thishouse.....and so we wait. The knot is getting tighter in my gut,since...when we thought everything was settled with your place, he quit his job andstarted packing. Now...he's been out of work for almost a month, and the savingsisn't going to last forever.We need to talk...........Erin McRaven>Hi Erin, Did Terry make it down yet? I hope he found a place to live. Weahve been working on the attic. It was quite a job getting all of Willow'sbelongings moved out. Now we are beginning to do some carpentry etc. Hoepall is going well for you both.Karen-Dancing DoeMay the beauty and joy of life bless you always.
No, I didn't "check out that trailer". I don't have a CAR to go driving up and down roads all day long, remember? How is he going to "come on down, put his stuff in storage and look for a place"? What's he gonna DO...live in his CAR, along with his cat?Yes....I am aware of the paper...I have been making calls, hunting the internet, chasing down leads, almost non-stop now for 3 weeks. (all of which I could have been doing ahead of time, if I had not thought he already had a place lined up and that everything was settled) Everything is either $500-$600, doesn't allow pets, or both. It's not a matter of it being "off schedule" by the middle of September. When we thought things were settled...last month, he quit his job and I quit looking. Now I've gotta do this all alone, and make up months of work looking when I could have been doing ahead of time, if I'd known what the hell was going on. It sounds like I am "stressed out"..... No shit! Glad I managed to get that much across! Please don't start preaching to me about "trusting and having faith". I know all that shit already...but I don't think that kind of talk is appropriate at this time. Not when I know what's really going on here. I see the "big picture", but it's probably not the one you are referring to. Hmmm....by the way...how's Mike...? (sarcasm intended.)Hi Erin,Wow, I'm sorry to hear he hasn't found a place. Did you check out that trailer I told you about? If he is going to rent a storage unit, why doesn't he just come on down, put his stuff in storage and look for a place. I have seen lots of for rent signs up around Commerce and also in the paper.I'm know there are places available.We have just gotten Willow's things out and begun to do some work. The heat and air guy is still putting us off and it is extremely hot up there. If I remeber correctly, he was due to come here the middle of September so you are not far off schedule.It sounds like you are stressed out. Sometimes trusting is the key. We may not be able to see the big picture but we can have faith that all is as it should be.Things may not always work out as you planned but they work out as they are meant to. Who knows what bright blessings are in store for you both.Karen-Dancing DoeMay the beauty and joy of life bless you always.
This next part is the previous Email, with my comments worked in.I'm sorry you are angry but do not direct it at me. I will not accept it. If you continue to direct it at me I will ask you not to contact me anymore. I do not understand your sarcasm or your comment about what is really going on.Our choices put us where we are. I beleive we make choices to experience what we need to learn and grow. The most difficult experiences I have encountered have taught me the most. I am grateful.Why can't he stay at your house for a few days or where he stayed when he came before. He has a car and you all could find a place more easily.I am only suggesting things as a friend. I feel like you are blaming me and Keith because things are not flowing for you. I am sorry we did not fully think things through before we agreed to let Terry stay in the apartment. As you know, it was a very difficult time for us, watching Willow suffer and making decisions for her. A friend would understand.Karen-Dancing DoeMay the beauty and joy of life bless you always.
I am not angry. I don't have time to be angry. And I have better things to direct my energy towards than to be angry at you. If you don't understand my comment about what is really going on, then I can't help you. Sometimes, the clearest signs are right in front of us, but we just don't want to accept them.In a message dated 9/20/2005 2:20:17 PM Eastern Standard Time, email@example.com writes:I'm sorry you are angry but do not direct it at me. I will not accept it. If you continue to direct it at me I will ask you not to contact me anymore. I do not understand your sarcasm or your comment about what is really going on.
With this much, I agree. And it was obvious that it was time for me to make the choice I did that led to this current moment in which I find myself typing this message, saying what has needed to be said for a long time. I am not the shy, weak little girl you met 7 years ago. I'm older, wiser, and trust my instincts. Something I never used to do. And my instincts are right on target this time.Our choices put us where we are. I beleive we make choices to experience what we need to learn and grow. The most difficult experiences I have encountered have taught me the most. I am grateful.
He stayed in a motel which cost hundreds of dollars before.Staying here is not an option. We have discussed it, and with all the personal stuff he has, and the situation in this house, it is just not right for us. I will not let the negativity of this house get in the way of what I have with him. It is far too important to me.Why can't he stay at your house for a few days or where he stayed when he came before. He has a car and you all could find a place more easily.
I am not blaming Keith at all, and I hope he realizes that. But I'm not an idiot, and neither is Terry, and when Terry spoke with Keith, (the night of the day you told me you'd changed your mind...same day my dog died...) Terry said that he felt Keith was "uncomfortable," and that he didn't want it to be this way. Terry is gifted as I am...with the ability to "read" people, and Keith was coming in loud and clear...that he did not want it to be this way, and that he could have used the money. I'm only sorry he got caught in the middle of this. And this has nothing to do with shit not "flowing." Things have been sticky before....and I've dealt with it. I am not whining about not being able to have him live there. It would have had quite a few challanges. (interestingly enough, after I sent you that Email earlier today, I got a call with what sounds like a wonderful place for him...Obviously, I just needed to be out in the open about how I feel on this subject for things to "flow".) What I am having "issues" with is the underlying reason behind this decision...which you may not even be accepting or seeing in yourself. Everyone else sees it. I see it. Terry sees it. Hell, even TIM sees it! We are all learning and growing. I have not reached the height of personal growth any more than you have. If you wish to see the light, and face this challenge in your life and learn from it and move on...I am obviously in your life at this time to help facilitate that. However, if you are not ready to, then I guess there is nothing left to say.___________________________________________________________________________________ And now on to todays.... 7 years is too long to go...... Without telling someone that how they're treating you is unacceptable.I've finaly just sent Karen the Email that will probably push all of her buttons and really piss her off. Oh well. This is a "long time coming".First.... the one she sent me this morning. Then, the one I just sent her.I am only suggesting things as a friend. I feel like you are blaming me and Keith because things are not flowing for you. I am sorry we did not fully think things through before we agreed to let Terry stay in the apartment. As you know, it was a very difficult time for us, watching Willow suffer and making decisions for her. A friend would understand.
Now, to my response._______________________________________________________________________________I'm glad you want me to be honest. I was attempting to be tactful about this. I should have said something a long time ago, but thought I should try to just let it go. That, was obviously a mistake. My "attraction to Mike"..... Ooooh boy. If you remember, I NEVER ONCE said I was attracted to him. You just saw us together and assumed. And, when you felt it necessary to express your feelings about what a big mistake you felt I was making, other people were brought up....like Bud. If I remember the quote correctly, it went something like..... "You always do this! Every time a man is nice to you, you think he wants you! Mike was just being Mike! He's just nice! That doesn't mean he wants you!" That hurt like you cannot begin to imagine. Did you ever consider that it was actually the other way around? Here is what actually happened. When Mike first showed up, I sensed he was uncomfortable. He seemed almost constantly in tears, and I felt bad for him. I had no idea who he was. I went to him and introduced myself. He told me he was living there, and I realized he was the one you had told me about before. After the circle, when we were all getting a bite to eat, I talked to him a little more, when he approached me. ( I talked to quite a few people at that time....not just him.) When we started to go upstairs, and he saw how uncomfortable I was with all those stairs, he came to help me. I could sense something from him already, but tried to just be polite and not encourage him any. While we were all upstairs, I spent a good bit of time away from him there, too. But....I then began to see that he was getting more upset and uncomfortable. So, I went to him to help. We broke off from the group, and out on the back deck to talk. I then asked what was wrong. He began to open up to me about how he felt about the whole "giveaway"....and that it just seemed in poor taste, for everyone to be up there, going through all her stuff, and taking things....like buzzards. He told me what Willow meant to him, and tears came to his eyes. I hugged him and told him I understood, but that he might want to just spend time thinking about it. That her things, just like her body, her car, etc., are just worldly things. They are not HER, and that she was not offended or hurt by any of this. "She's risen above all this now. She's not hurting anymore. And she will always be with you, when you need her. She would not want you to feel bad, or guilty for taking anything here. She is just sharing her energy and her gifts, and that's ok." He seemed to feel better. I then sensed he really wanted to go. So, I said...."It's late, and I really should be going. You wanna get outta here?" He brightened up and said he was hoping I'd say that, and that he'd been hanging around because he wanted to help me back down the stairs.As he was holding my hand, and all my stuff, helping me downstairs, he asked "So, I saw a ring. Are you married?" I told him I was engaged, and that he (Terry) would be moving in upstairs in a few weeks. We got to the door, he opened it, and said "So, I'll be seeing more of you, then?" I already knew he was attracted to me, but was a bit surprised he was so forward, so fast. I changed the subject. He insisted on carrying my stuff out to the road, and stood with me while I called home. Then, he asked how long it would be 'till Mom got there, and I said "Maybe 20-30 minutes." He then invited me into his house. I hesitated, but he assured me there was nothing to worry about, and I trusted him. I went in with him, sat in his living room, and we talked for another half hour. It was a wonderful experience. If I was single, I might consider going out with him, though I know it never would have gone anywhere, because we have different personalities. He's as wild as I was when I was in my late teens and early 20's. He was coming on to me BIG TIME, and so I said I needed to go, and left rather abruptly. I felt bad that I'd been a bit rude to him, and decided to call Keith, thank him for having us, and ask him to thank Mike for me, and let it go. Keith, instead said, "Well, Mike's right here. Here you go!" and handed him the phone! I was then trying to explain to Mike over the phone that it wasn't gonna happen between us....because he was NOT backing down.So.....for you to then, the very next day, without even asking to hear my side of it....just ASSUME that I was the one who wanted HIM, and that I must be some kind of needy girl who just assumes that it a guy is nice to me, that he wants me.....when you had no idea what had actually happened, HURT ME INTENSELY. I've had to do a LOT of work on myself to learn that I AM desirable, and am just now beginning to believe it. A few years ago, I would have been denying to myself that any of that had ever happened, and been re-convencing myself how undesirable I am. But, that night was a gift to me. Mike is the kind of man that I used to long for, but never thought would EVER want me. Now, I see how wrong I was, and no one can take that away from me. Not only does a man as wonderful as Terry is want to marry me.........but it's actually possible for me to meet a guy somewhere that is going to pull out all the stops and try to get me to go out with him....knowing I'm engaged! I NEVER used to think of myself as desirable. I saw my disability as a wall that no man could ever get past. Well, hell, even TIM expressed an attraction to me! I'm still far from being conceited, but I have more confidence in myself than I've had in 13 years. What also threw me was the assumption that I was going to go off and have an affair with this Mike. Not everybody does that! But, FYI....even if I did it's no-one's business but mine and Terry's. So....to have someone try to tell me this never happened, and that he was just "being nice", and doesn't want me, made me extremely angry. Yes...it must seem strange to see some man helping me around, since such consideration was never very forthcoming from you. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but you wanted me to be honest. I've known you for 7 years, and have needed to say this for a long time. It's true that people come into our lives to trigger things, so that we can learn something. The triggers that you've set off with me over the years are my deepest demons. The one that I'm *on my own* and can't ever depend on anyone to help me. (basic helplessness) And WHY? Because I'm not *worth* helping. That's why the thought of someone (a man) helping me seemed so alien to me.....and possibly to you. Another demon.... That I am *not desirable* to men, and can only get one by doing certain things or being a certain way. And another one...That I have to *sell myself* and get "some job, any job".....in order to be comfortable financially. That I'd never be able to do it, doing something I enjoy. Those are my 3 great demons, and you kept triggering all 3 of them. I'm not blaming you. This was just obviously something I needed to work through and learn from. And that's ok. Now.....my recent realizations on these 3. Just because my body won't do the same things other's bodies do doesn't make me "weak". I have a more powerful mind than many others, to compensate. Also, I DESERVE consideration from others. This is part of the way the world works. We are here to help each other. Not to leave someone wandering lost in the woods for a half hour, in the dark. I've thought about how different that last night at your place would have been, without Mike being there. I might not have made it upstairs at all, and if I had, I would have had to go beg someone to help me back down, while feeling like a bother. I talked to Mike about my feelings on this......and he said I should NEVER feel like a bother to someone else, because of my disability. This was the ONE TIME I have ever felt total warmth and caring and understanding while I've been there. I spent the last 7 years, thinking there was something wrong with ME! That I was expecting too much! That "it's a dog eat dog world" and I had to fend for myself. Mike changed everything, and even if I never talk to him again, I will be eternally grateful. He gave me two wonderful gifts in one night. He made me feel desirable (not IN SPITE of my disability, but not even seeing it as a disability). And he showed me that I was WORTHY of being helped. Now, as for how this relates to the issue of Terry renting the apartment..... I know that you'll deny this. You may not have even admitted it to yourself yet. But, for everything to be arranged, and even for Keith to spend several minutes, the night of the circle, talking about how much he appreciated this, and how much you guys needed the money.... and then "out of the blue"..... to suddenly change your minds, right after the episode, in which you had spent a good 10 minutes, berating me over the phone......... It doesn't take a psychic to see what's going on. The moment I told Terry, the FIRST words out of his mouth were... "This is because of you and that guy Mike, isn't it? She's trying to keep you away from him." This was almost word for word what Mom said, along with the half dozen or more other friends that I've told this story to. So, this is not just MY opinion. THAT is why I'm angry. Not that we can't live there, but the underlying reason behind it, that I know you're in such denial about you'll never even admit to. Now.....the ball, such as it is....is in your court. Peace be with you, and Keith. (&, of course, to Mike, whom I am so grateful to, for opening this door) Erin McRaven-Cass (Raven Wolf)Erin,I do not beleive in beating around the bush. If you have something to say...say it.Keith and I made the decsion together and yes it was difficult for us both. He felt uncomfortable beacuse we had told Terry he could move in but then we decided it was not best. It is difficult to face our mistakes and especially when it effects others.I learned along time ago that what I do is between me and God and no on else. I never thought you were shy or weak. We all can "read" people and situations. It is a human sense if we are open to it. What do you feel is the "underlying issue". I sense that you feel it has something to do with your attraction to Michael. I wonder why you keep hinting at that and not speaking of it.I wonder why that bothers you?I am happy you have found the right place. It looks as if things are working out as I knew they would. For me, it is always appropriate to trust esp. when things are not working out the way we think they should. I hope you will be able to escape the negativity you have had to endure for so long. Everyone deserves happiness.If you feel you can be open with me, honest with me and not eat around the bush, then maybe we can continue in relationship. If not then... so it is.Karen-Dancing DoeMay the beauty and joy of life bless you always.
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