Ahhhhhh........Closure...................... Today's Email exchange with Karen. ___________________________________________________________________________________Erin,I am sorry if I have hurt you. It was never my intention. When I told you we had changed our minds about renting the apartment, I asked you not to take it personally. I did not realize all the underlying issues involved. It seems to me you have taken this situation and blown it out of proportion. Maybe that needed to happen to help us see our lessons. Again, I apologize for not seeing what you needed. How could I know?I am a realist and to some I can seem insensitive. I have a tendency to speak my truth upfront without holding back. I am not saying that is the best way to be. I am just saying that is how I am. I did not realize that you were insecure about your femininity. You have always seemed full of beauty to me. On the phone I was trying to point out, as the observer, a pattern in your life. I told you that I had had someone help me by pointing out my patterns. It helped me see and break them. I tried to convey to you that Michael is in a fragile place and battling some major issues. I am not trying to keep Michael from you. I know life and love can be very unpredictable. What and with whom you choose to be in relationship with is your choice.I am regretful you feel I trigger your demons. I am however glad that you are working thru your issues as I am too. If I am a catalyst for that, then I am honored. I too have sensed tension between us before. You have helped me see things I need to pay attention to. I do hope we can work toward a better and happier understanding of each other.I do not see you as having a disability, maybe that is why you feel I am insensitive. I have never seen you as unworthy. As I look at the things you have said to me in your emails, I see that you perceive me as not being patient with you. Have you thought that perhaps I see you as an equal and treat you that way too. I have tried to be your friend.I did not assume you and Mike might have an affair or fling. I felt emotional upset from Michael and I did observe a pattern of behavior that seemed to bring hardship. I may have overreacted. I am not perfect. I have been in an emotionally vulnerable place because of all I had been going through with Willow. I will admit it stressed me and Keith out that you called our house after 11:00 and you and Michael stayed on the phone for over an hour. This was not showing Keith and me very much consideration or respect. We had to ask him several times to please go home. He was on the porch swing which is near our bedroom window and we could hear him talking. He had been drinking all day. This was not the most pleasant way for us to complete a day that had been a beautiful closure for us with our dear friend Willow’s physical existence.This and several signs that came made us see that we were not ready for someone to move in upstairs. We concluded that we needed some time, some privacy and to complete the upstairs project. As we faced the fact that we needed to hurry and deal with all her belogings and prepare the area for Terry's arrival it seemed overwhelming. We have been through a lot of emotional upset in the last few years culminating in being caregivers to Willow. Please know I was honored to be there with and for her but it was extremely difficult to deal with her physical needs and watch her deteriorate. I helped her with her physical needs after each surgery (Dec. and March). I then was literally "on call" for her during the time she was under Hospice care both at home in the hospital and nursing home. I desire peace in my life. Keith and I need time to heal all the wounds that were created when we acknowledged our love for each other. All of this contributed to our decision. That is why I asked you not to take our decision personally.It seems to me that Keith’s and my issues (that you knew nothing about) and your issues (that we knew nothing of) led you to believe whatever you believe; that I assumed things or that I am in a place of denial or in a place of judgement. I feel you have certainly judged me. You would not even confront me about any of this until I asked you to stop beating around the bush. It seems you had already discussed it with several people other than me. In the future please address any confusion that arises between us with me. I believe this helps avoid misunderstandings and drama.Keith and I do feel badly about changing our minds. He regretted having to tell Terry as I did not enjoy having to call and tell you especially when you told me about your dog dying. All we felt was that the timing was not right for us. We had thought we were ready to move on with someone else being upstairs. We realized we were not. I especially did not want to be surrounded by an emotionally charged situation. This may have been selfish on my part but it is my home and truthfully I am not in a place of wanting to deal with others issues right now. At times it has not been easy dealing with Michael. I did not want more confusion, upset or sadness in my home. My intuition told me that I needed to put my needs first.I am being honest and sharing our process with you in hopes that you will be more understanding and not blame me (you already said you do not blame Keith). My hope is that you and Terry will be very happy and that it will be clear later that all of this and especially Terry not moving in upstairs has worked out for the best for all of us. It has been my experience that life works that way most of the time.If you’d like to talk about this further Id’ prefer we speak face to face. As I told you I do not like to beat around the bush or be tactful. That is where misunderstandings come in. I should have told you our process for determining we were not ready for anyone to be upstairs and all this might have been avoided. I am sorry it has brought a struggle for you. For me, in times of struggle, I need to have trust and faith. I was not preaching to you only offering what helps me. Trusting that all is as it should be and keeping faith that once over the hurdle bright blessings will unfold. The big picture I spoke of was Gods picture. I hope this has cleared up things. I trust you will be able to stop putting your energy into blaming me or anyone else for your life not going the way you think it should.I have spoken my truth in light and with love. HoKaren-Dancing Doe----------------------------------------------------------------------------------And now my response.....I'll be brief. I'm glad you see that it is my choice, as you stated. Thank you for your apology. I'm glad I've helped you see things you need to pay attention to. You "don't see me as having a disability". Therein lies the problem. How many times do I have to repeat myself? My mother had to go through 13 years, dealing with teachers who refused to see me as having a disability, and she got so freaking tired of having to repeat the fact that I have O.I. (if you'd like, I'll send you a link to a site about O.I. It may be helpful, if you run into a child in school with the same thing I have) But....again....back to the statement...you don't see me as having a disability. What do I have to do...? Get my mom to write me a note? Or get a doctor's excuse? Not only do I have OI, but I was in a freaking car wreck! It's not an EXCUSE. It is a FACT. Have you noticed I walk with a cane? It is NOT a fashion statement! Remember that I have no depth perception when I look down, like going down stairs? I could go on and on.....but I think we need to discuss this in person, as you stated. If you had a problem with Mike being on the phone for that long, when you needed to go to bed, I hope you told him that, like you did me. I tried to get him to go about 2 dozen times, saying that he needed to leave you two alone, and he said it was ok. Contrary to popular belief, (joke) I am not a mind reader. Since you just stated that "this and several signs that came made us see that we were not ready for someone to move in upstairs", you are admitting what I already knew....that the issue with Mike and myself was the catalyst that made you change your minds. I appreciate you admitting that. I do not BLAME YOU, or anyone else for things not going my way!I simply expect....no, demand someone to treat me with consideration and respect, and, since you expect this yourself, to be honest about an issue, rather than having it take this much to get to the root of the issue. Again, I think it will be beneficial to us both to discuss this in person. As I see it, if you spent that much time, caring for Willow, why can you not show me the same consideration? Do I have to be in a wheelchair, or something worse to gain that kind of respect? Perhaps that, and this with me...should be a sign to you that this is an issue that you might want to look at. Terry will be here soon....in about a week and a half. Perhaps we can set up a time to get together, sit down and talk. It's up to you. Erin
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