I aged last night= well, tecnichly, at 2ish today, I will have aged a year. and I look around my world, What has changed in it?
I own a house, and car, have 0 debt on my credit card (Note when I say I *own* I also owe on it) but except for the regular utilitys, everything else is free and clear.
I have no kids, no spouse, and its funny, No desire for ether. Maybe when I was 20 kids seemed cool, and I was engaged once, asked twice, and I have no regrets. As far as I know, Dave still hasn't married, and is living with his brother, and that tells me, he never really moved- on.
I looked up his address once. I have it somewhere, and he lives not far from me. I still have the engagemet ring he gave me, and in a way, I know he should have it back. he said, "hang on to it if you change your mind.
Years ago, when I graduated, I was kissed by Andy, who confessed his love for me and then walked out of my life to live with his father. His world didn't fair well. He never - moved on beyond all the bad that happened to him. and for years, I wondered, the what ifs. one day, through classmates dotcom, I got an email from him, and we picked up where we had left off for about two weeks.
until one night that he called me at 1 am and we talked for 2 hrs and then it was like- nothing- no emails, and no I wasn't going to call him back and he did email me 2 weeks later after a series of emails to him and he said I was whiny . Just because I was sending him. "Uh, geee anyone home?" Helloooooo
and I realized then he would never be happy.
but I am older today.
and as I lay in my bed at 8 am, wiggling my toes under the covers, I look around. I have plans for the house, and what I want to do with it, and the out building. Its been a slow process, and its based on the energy level, for, I am older than I was and my joints don't move well.
I look at my toys. People grow up, and they buy toys. sterios, Road King bikes, ATVS,
I have - trains. all scales. I have little houses that I set up and trees, and I have action figures. I have in my refrig, boo berry cerial.
Some of the stuff is still in its packaging, some has been taken out and you know, its only a collectable if you use it.
otherwise, what is the value?
Somehow, things may change in my life,.
untill then, for this year, I will be 46 and be an adult, but still play and day dream, and write.
for that is the nature of the soul.