Reader discretion advised. Language, vilolence, sexual situations. Rated R.
In 1996, the year Millennium first started, I was in a situation that prevented me from being in the right frame of mind to watch it. I met a man named Wendell Hamilton. We went out a couple of times, but I didn't think it was going anywhere. Now... remember at this time, I was only 22 almost 23. I had not dated a lot. My home situation was a source of much stress, and I was emotionaly not very strong. Wendell & I had been dating only about a month, when one day he wanted to go in a pawn shop "Just for the hell of it." I was enjoying talking to the parrot at the front of the store, but he called me over to look at the rings. "Maybe you'll see something you like...." Well, things in pawn shops are sometimes pretty cheep, so I started looking at the silver rings to see if I liked anything there, since he was hinting he wanted to get me something. Well, within a few minutes, he guided me over to the gold rings.... specificaly the engagement rings. "Well, it's nice to know what the girl you're dating likes and what her size is...." I thought, Ok...he's just being a tad romantic, and we're just windowshopping, so it doesn't matter. He just wants to "get to know me", by seeing what I like. No big deal. Well, he pointed out one and I said it wasn't my size. I have small fingers. So, he went to the ones that were more my size and pointed a few out. I said they were nice, but not my style. Remember now... I thought we were just looking to be looking.... because we had nothing better to do. He asked the guy behind the counter to take out one of the ones that fit me, and asked me to try it on, along with the wedding band that went with it. I did so, and it fit. A tad loosely, but it fit. He asked "Do you like that one?" I said "Yes, it's nice." and took it back off. Before I knew what was happening, he got out his wallet, and bought the wedding set. I started to ask what the hell he was doing, but I didn't want to embarass him, and I was too shy to want to make a scene in front of everyone in the store. I pulled at his arm to get his attention, but he ignored me. I was still in shock as we walked out of the store. He opened the car door for me....I got in, and then was more stunned as he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him! I realize now I was "Hijacked" into an engagment with him.
In the months that followed, Wendell kept pressuring me to set a wedding date. He had hardly any money. I had no job. I kept telling him we needed to be a bit more financially stable, because I didn't want to spend my entire life in a trailer park. Sometimes things between us were ok, but I began to realize this man had an explosive temper. Sex between us was difficult, at best. Now, I know this sounds bad, but I can't remember if I ever had sex with anyone before the car wreck in 1992, so to me, Wendell was my first. He wanted to do it every single time we were together, but, after the first few times, any interest I ever had in sex began to vanish. He was rough, pushy, and kinkey (NOT in a good way!)
(here's where I advise anyone who doesn't want to read about such things to just go on and read something else. things get vulgar from here on out.)
Over the months, Wendell began to change my whole personality. He changed my whole vocabulary. Example - I was not allowed to ever say someone "Made me mad", or "Made me feel bad" or *Made Me* ANYTHING! I was the one who chose to feel that way. He insisted I be more confident and outgoing....INSISTED.... but when I said something that I had decided and showed any confidence with him, he crushed it instantly. He kept pushing me to decide what I wanted to do for a career, and I finally said "I want to be a paranormal investigator ." Well, THAT was a mistake, because he said HE planned to be a Methodist preacher (for those that don't know, it's a christian denomination, like Baptist) and this was NOT something that a "Preacher's wife" should be doing.
The irony of that statement will show itself even more later...
Meanwhile, he had been abusing not only verbally (I think he either yelled at me or cut me down at least once a day) but also sexualy. You see, I suffered a lot of nerve damage in that car wreck in 1992, and, as a result (*blush* ) I have very little feeling over many parts of my body. As you can imagine, it makes sex difficult. Wendell would be trying to "get me going" with his hand... and it wouldn't really be getting me anywhere. Most of the time I could fake it, but not always... And when he'd get frustrated, he'd start doing it harder, and hurting me.... One time in particular (explicit part), he had his hand in me... it wasn't working, and he got VERY angry. He actually raised my body off the ground, using the fingers that were in me, and slammed me against the floor. I burst into tears, and he screamed at me to shut up, which, of course, just made me cry more.
Sometimes, during the almost 2 years that this went on, I'd come out of the state of shock I was in and have one or two ideas of how to deal with this.... You see, most people would ask "Why didn't you just break off the relationship?" Well, I tried... but every time I did, he would state (In his LOUD voice) "I do not accept that. We've made a commitment to each other. We've had sex, so in God's eyes, we are already married. It would be a sin to break that off now." Well, I started to try things to get him to not want to be with me. I started to gain weight, thinking if I was overweight, he wouldn't want to have sex with me. (By the way, he was so violent when he f**ked me that I would bleed like I had my period. I say "f**ked", because that's the only word for what he did.) I tried gaining weight... I even tried to get rid of him by starting to smoke ciggarettes! He had told me he had asthma and would break up with me if I ever started to smoke... so I did, but he responded by buying me cigs! Also, Mister "I'm going to be a preacher./We are one under God. You must be a good example of a Preacher's wife" started to spiral out of control with his sexual addiction and perversion. I kept telling him I did not want to "do it" with him, but he would manipulate me with outbursts of anger, lies of how he was trying to change, etc.... and finally end up raping me anally, forcing me to perform orally on him, etc. In the last few months I was with him... I had been telling him more and more that I couldn't live like this.... that if he was so sure I was going to hell by breaking our "vows" (because he thought if we'd had sex, we were married in the eyes of God), that I just didn't care, because I was already IN hell. He kept manipulating me by saying he was trying to become a better person, and he needed me to help him and teach him how to be better. There was also a kitten there that I had gotten, but that he refused to let me take home, since he knew if I got her, I would probably never come back. He threatened to hurt her, and when I would come to see her, he wouldn't let me see her.
(I did finally get her, as well as her mother)
It finally took me threatening to call the police on him to get my cat back, and in 1998, after months of not paying his bills (he had the money, he was just a lazy, irresponsible ass)... and after I finally got my car back from him that he'd been using.... I told him to go back to hell. Even then, for months, he continued to show up at my house and call me at all hours... saying he'd changed, bla bla bla....
I have not been the same since then. To this day, I hesitate before I say something "Made me" angry, sad, happy, ANYTHING. Also, as sweet as Terry is, I still hesitate before making a decision about ANYTHING. From what to cook for dinner, to what clothes to put on....ANYTHING. (this part gets rather icky, be warned) I cannot let myself hear the sound of a cat or a dog, licking themselves (as we all know cats like to take "baths" this way all the time). It brings back the feeling and memory of some of the things Wendell would do to me with HIS mouth, just before hurting me and humiliating me again. (oh, yeah, I was not allowed to say something humiliated me either) It took MANY years before I could allow myself to be touched again. For a long time, I would jump like I'd been hit.
The last nasty thing I'll bring up that Wendell did, which really made his declairation that he wanted to be a Christian Preacher even MORE ironic and insane..., was involving someone "under age" in his sick sexual fantasy. His uncle had a girlfriend who was divorced with 2 teenage sons. One of them was 16 years old. Well, I was so traumatized by more than a year in this relationship, (it was mid 1998 by now) that when I met this young guy, and seeing how nice and shy and polite he was to me, we became friends. Also, I knew that the guy had a crush on me, but I didn't dare tell Wendell, fearing he'd hurt the kid. Imagine my shock when he told ME he'd figured out that this teenager had a "thing" for me. He then asked me how I'd feel about a 3-some. I responded, saying "That's kind of illegal you know. He'd have to be 2 years older.... And I can't believe you'd think I want to do something like that." Needless to say... Wendell always got his way.... and he got this young man to come over to where Wendell lived. The guy was as intimidated by Wendell as I was.... And when he finally left us alone for a while (to get "started") I asked him if he wanted to go through with this... (he was a virgin) He finally got the nerve to say he'd been "in love" with me for months, and, though he'd dreamed of being with me, he felt "weird" about doing it this way. I kissed him and said he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to do.... I think This was the event that gave me the courage to finally break free. You see... for the year and a half (almost 2 years) that he'd been abusing me, he'd also kept telling me (when I'd try to break up with him) that no other man would ever have me. Since, by then, I'd gained a lot of weight, I'd believed him. But, hearing this good looking, sweet young 16 year old tell me he loved me, and that I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen...... THAT gave me the courage to end the cycle of abuse... both for myself, and for this young boy's future.
I want all this weight, and all these bad memories, and all this pain to go away.... and finally be free. I just don't know how.