It is time for a makeover. My hair, my clothes, my body, my LIFE. Something in me died a few years ago, and I have to get it back, or else life is not worth living anymore. I've been told I'm in a prolonged state of shock.... Most likely brought on by #1 Wendell, and his absue from 1996 to 1998. #2 Laury's death in 2000. #3 My own car wreck, in 1992. and #4 A lifetime in a toxic environment, where I had to 'grow up' far faster than I should have. I don't think just ONE of these things got me to the state I'm in. I think it took each of them, and a lot of time, to wear me down. I've gotten to the point where I have trouble making even the smallest of decisions. I'm afraid to express any opinion. It's almost like I'm disconnected from my life!
I'm going to have to do some major...and I do mean MAJOR things to shake things loose. A change in hairstyle, wardrobe, dayly habits, food, everything.... to try to dislodge me from the pain that has me stuck, like a ship hung on a rock. I can feel this blockage in my gut. It's like a physical pain deep inside that I've learned to ignore most of the time, but whenever it's time to do something new, different, desirable, passionate, authentic...then this pain comes back like a brick in my gut. It's almost like I have an anger, a rage, deep sorrow and pain that I don't even know is THERE! At times, I feel the rage beneath the surface, but I don't know what I have to be mad about, so I suppress it. The same goes for when I feel tears come to my eyes for no apparent reason. It's like there is a demon within me that must be exorcised in order for me to live.
I'm going to keep coming back with different posts here. Ideas on new hairstyles, (as silly as that seems) Also, thoughts on how to get closure for some of the deepest wounds in me. (I've forced myself to let go of the pain of what Wendell did to me, but it still lurks beneath the surface, and I did not even realize how much of a hold he still has on my life until a few days ago. ) Even finding a way to go swim in a pool or pond, and ride a horse. Something to get me alive again.
Right now, I am in a living death, deep inside. I'm grateful and blessed for the part Terry plays in my life, but that will not be able to prosper if I don't work on what's wrong with me.
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