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Meanderings In The Middle Of The Night....

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It's after 2 in the morning.... I'm on the phone with Terry and wandering through TIWWA... And wondering how I got so totaly *BLEEPED* in the head. I drift from idea to idea.... unable to actualy focus on one thing that I realy want to do. I've been like this all my life. I have this feeling that I have some kind of creative talent...something I could do. But, everything I start to do I feel like such a pathectic looser at. A poser. I've dabled in a few things that I realy would love to do...., but I always just end up feeling stupid. I got to sing live on the radio once, which was one of the best moments of my life, but I don't think I have what it takes to be a professional singer-songwriter. Now there's this Millennium-Appocolypse progect, and I'm finaly getting to use my interest/talents for writing, acting, and even photography, but then I think of how inexperienced I am, and it just seems so much like wishful thinking...a childish dream. I realize that the reality of such a career is a great deal more difficult than what I think it is. In such a commercial, professional world, there's not much room for entrepreneurs anymore.

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Thanks for the insights to your dreams. I was interested to see that you and I have had some parallels in what we have dabbled in or are dabbling in.

I've always been a photography nut but found out thirty years ago that I didn't have the tenacity to make that a career because I wasn't content to open a portrait studio or hire on with a large company that do photo shoots under contract and work for a lot of years at low pay to reach the point of being able to take pictures of a creative nature.

I also concluded a long time ago that I don't have the talent for songwriting or singing that it takes to do it commercially. I still write and occasionally perform as a part of get-togethers with friends. The only thing I still do with my songs though is be sure to copyright them so if I give one to a friend, some unscrupulous person doesn't try to claim it and publish it in some fashion.

Gotta go, my personal time to be logged on the web at work has expired for today.

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Thanks, Celt.

Yes, this has been something that has angered and frustrated me for most of my life. We can succeed through mediocrity (please forgive my spelling, in a hurry) as long as we aspire to do the mediocer. But, let someone want to do something creative...something beautiful, that will enrich the world....and you have to be PERFECT, as well as a magor ass-kisser, to ever even get acknowledged!

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I feel sometimes as if I'm looking into a mirror when I read your blog. You are trying things-that's the first and most important step to success. I, on the other hand, just think about doing something but most of the time do not because of the fear of failure. I live through others. You are trying, and that's more important than success or failure. Give yourself credit where credit is due. Pobody's Nerfect!!!! :grouphug:

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Well, thank you for being so supportive. Though I have to say.... I don't realy feel like I'm trying anything. I feel like I'm right where you are...immobilized by fear. Fear of failure, fear of my disfunctional family, etc. The only thing I've ever actualy TRIED is this whole script writing thing, and that's just because it was thrust upon me. Movie Maker came on with this idea, and no one stepped up to the plate, so I did. First time for everything, I guess.

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Well sometimes it takes being forced to turn out something good. I know that paralyzing fear you speak of, and when you try to explain it to others, they simply just don't get it. I was so fearless in college..but I lost it somewhere along the way. I almost appreciate being forced to perform-that's when I turn out some of my best work. You know, even though I love my job (finally!) I still wake up some days and I do not want to go at all. I'm so depressed..and it's not logical. I fight myself about it all the time. Some days it's so hard to just put on a "happy face" and do what you need to do....and sometimes I just don't. But I am the only one responsible for my own actions...but I don't need to beat myself up about it if I don't do the "right" one. We are all allowed to screw up once in a while. That's what makes us human. And there are enough factors against us out there in the "real world"...we don't need to pitch in to put ourselves down. I think you are funny and witty and have problems...just like the rest of us!! Chin up, mate!!! Many days you make me laugh, and you don't even know me! So your effect on people is more than you realize! :grouphug:

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Hey raven, It takes balls to open up like this, you know you are very good at writting and just because nothing commercial comes out of it dosnt mean a damn thing, because the beauty of art is that the real pleasure and existance of any artistic medium is to simply express yourself, I think the first step is to do it for your self, then learn as much about it as you possibly can, I know its hard to fall down or feel stupid when you fall, I have been there and done that and belive me there isnt a day that goes by that I dont feel like thats what Im doing with millennium apocalypse, but the best way to survive is to get up dust yourself off, take in what you have learned and know not to make the same mistakes. The big idea is to simply do! I'm fresh out of film school and yeah i have shot alot of stuff, but never anything this big, and the fact of the matter is this isnt even that big, we are shooting a no budget spin off of someone elses idea, but it is huge to me, the organization and casting and finding the great people on line like your self which was willing to take a chance on me, but thats what its all about taking a chance.

"success is going from failure to failure without lossing enthusiasm"

if you keep trying it will happen, if you get discouraged use it to drive you to do better or try different things, I know its easier said then done but its the truth.

And by the way the scripts you wrote for ma1 was a blast to film, and I think they look awsome so far, thank you for all your help Raven, and you know we are going to continue to work together so you better be putting your story ideas together for something fresh and original for when MA1 is done!

-Jason (MM)

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Keep your spirits up Erin!

You seem to have a talent for writing so why not do a writing course either locally or online or perhaps get some software to help you develop you ideas and put them into text?

Being a writer is something I imagine you could do easily from home, make a plan and set out some working hours which you regard as work time, just as if you were in an office with a boss standing over you which would mean you don't do anything else in that time but what it is you want to do ie. writing/planning etc. Remind yourself that during that time is work stuff only, put personal stuff on hold until after 'worktime' and likewise, restrict your work releated tasks into those set hours or worktime.

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