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Great Oneliners From A Now Departed Comedian Pt. 1

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From the Rock-103 (Memphis) "Joke of the Day" web page -- Rodney Dangerfield oneliners--I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo- yo, it never came back! When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again." Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave. What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm! Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch. I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through." I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west! My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens. My mother had morning sickness after I was born. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

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