a couple of years ago, a friend of mine gave me a peach schnapps, and after drinking it, I found that *I* smelt of peaches, and it was from the alcohol being metabolized in my system and coming out my skin. I realized then, that the scents we have were affected by what was within us, and some things made our metabolism push it out.

Right now, my little ferret is in her carrier beside me covered with paper towels and a blanket over the carrier to keep in the warmth. A few months ago, she had a seizure and following the vets advice, we learned that she was diabetic with a tumor in her pancreas. surgery, for a nine yr old ferret, wasn't an option, she was just too frail for it, and any medication that she would take, would require monotoring with invasive bloodwork, that in our honest opinon, she was too frail to deal with on a daily basis.

forward to four days ago, she had a series of gran mal seizures, flailing her tiny body about shrieking. Note, that the shrieks were not one of pain, during the siezure, while there is distress, it comes from the airway and larynex constricting and air being forced through it as she breathed. we kept her comfortable, but knew, that it was only time before she would go.

forward to today.

Some people say that ferrets have their own smell, they do, it is an earthy, musky scent that reminds me of the soil after a hot day and a brief rain.

when I say "the scent of death" there are two smells that come with death, one is , of course, what they call "dead dead" scent, and thats of the rotting corpse, there is also a scent that comes before, and unless you have been someone who worked at a nursing home- or have stayed at a bedside, you don't know this smell, until you have smelt it, then its something that you remember because it doesnt change.

You see it with cancer patents, there is a smell that is - well- fruity. like something thats been fermenting, but, its not a yeasty smell, or a beer smell. its - not like any other scent your going to come across- but, its the stage of the cells beginning to break down in the process. Perhaps it is because its cancer that I smell it. My dad had the smell, and even though its been years since I smelt it, I knew what it was.

I look at her, and wonder about what next to do for her. She's not eating on her own, shes totally blind, though shadows do register to her. she's sleeping alot, and I have been giving her food, and water as often as she will take it. The siezures that had come with increasing frequency haven't happened in a good 32 hours. While she is eating better, she still is in the process of dying, where, she will simply just go to sleep, her breathing will slow and her heart will stop.

It saddens me that there are some things, that are not changeable. What was it that was said? the debt that all men pay was death.

the best I can do is keep her warm, and comfortable. She isn't in any pain, and I know that people would say, "Just put her down" but I can't. I could have made that decision for her when she was first diagnosed, but, she still had time with us, things to do, places to go, people to see. She survived 5 months with just changing her diet to something that had a higher level of protine, and even if we would have had the surgery, or medication, her time with us was still just as short.

I remember when she first came into my life. it was a bitter cold day and id stopped at the pet store to get food for Syd, and I saw her alone in the cage, she was so tiny- her whole body fit in my hand and I was told that as soon as the manager came in, she was going to be put down. and I held her, and she climbed into my winter coat and proceeded to explore the inside. I asked why, and he said that she had been returned as a biter, and that she pooed in the corner. She was just a little baby, and people didn't understand thats what babys do.

So, I took her home and I placed her in her box in the bathtub (she was trying to chew her way out) and I had to check on the neighbors house because they were away, *they had a water leak that diverted my attention to things* so I picked her up and placed her in the cage, and i said, "Syd, this is your little sister, take care of her..." and I was out the door.

when I came back, there was no sign of her in the cage. Syd was in the hammoc and I said "Syd, where is she?" he looked up at me, and I saw she was under him, covered by him to keep her warm on that day.

how they played.

One time, Syd figured out how to open the cage, and lead the great escape. I heard him knockover the trash can, and was able to scoup him up, Della came out from behind the stove, and I couldnt find Hudson.

and I was calling and calling and calling her, in tears, because a house is a dangerous place for an unattended ferret.

and I straighten up, and look

she was on the top shelf, looking at me, going "WHa? Im right here."

..

I am , right here for you Hudson,

in my heart, and dreams, forever.