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Selfosophy For Beginners

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Selfosophy For Beginners forum logo.Sponsored by the Selfosophy Institute. A 'tongue-in-cheek' discussion Forum for beginners, blood-initiates, and those curious about this Self-helpful path to Neuro-Spiritual Happiness... Inspired by the comedy Millennium episode "Jose Chung's Doomsday Defense".

 


Selfosophy For Beginners

Jose Chung's Description of Onan Goopta and Selfosophy

self036.jpgOnce upon a time, two East Indian immigrants gave birth to a baby boy, whom they loved very dearly. Yet, nevertheless, named "Juggernaut Onan Goopta". Other than the name, and, uh, the beard, he was a normal boy, who suffered all the usual humiliations of a normal childhood.

Upon graduating high school, he went off to college with a dream of someday becoming a famous neuroscientist. His goal was to be the first to comprehend how the biology of the brain gives birth to the greatest mystery of life: self-consciousness.

Unfortunately, his own brain could not comprehend basic biology. He quickly switched majors to philosophy; but alas, while reading Kirkegaard's "Sickness Unto Death", he became sick and nearly died.

During recovery -- though obviously still suffering from dementia -- he set forth on a new dream: to become a writer. And his first forays into detective fiction proved so inept, they were mistaken for brilliant parodies; and finding immediate publication in the highbrow literary journal, "The Dark Mask."

After the demise of the magazine, Goopta could not sell his work, and he became destitute and suicidal.

Out of pure desperation, he managed -- in a single, feverish night -- to crank out a book that changed the course of human history: "How to Be Happy, Even When You Shouldn't." It was quickly followed by the bestsellers, "How to Manipulate People by Your Apparent Friendliness", and "How to Overcome Your Fears by Making Others Fear You".

And upon the release of his masterpiece, "Selfosophy: The Power of Positive Negation", Goopta hit the lecture hall circuit, always preaching to standing room only, for he shrewdly refrained from providing chairs.

"Every painful moment of your life, casts a shadow across your mirror biology. Until you exterminate these dark memories, you will remain in a negative groove. Thus, those who cannot forget their past, are condemned to repeat it." (From one of J Onan Goopta's Lectures)

Goopta then opened an institute to help teach people how to become more self-helpful. Patients -- who were called "doctors", since the term "patient" was unhealthy associations -- learned how to shed the darkness of their minds by mastering therapies taught by the institute's staff, which to inspire a sense of spiritual, empirical, transmigrational, is modeled after the U.S. Postal Service. The institute proved to so popular, Selfosophy branched out, and institutes popped up throughout the nation.

Then Goopta announced a new evolution to Selfosophy:

"After wiping away its mind of darkness, the self must then wipe away the eternal soul. And since our souls have existed for thousands of years before the advent of Selfosophy, we all have a great deal of wiping to do." (a quote from J Onan Goopta).

The tax-exempt belief system, also involved its own theology. But I can't tell you what it is -- it's a secret. When learning the theologies, Selfosophists must undergo a sworn blood oath ritual, which is also a secret.

In any case, all the secrecy and profits drew criticism from some quarters, but these critics were quickly silenced.

Either by libel suits, or what Selfosophists call "Knock, Knock, Zoom, Zoom" affirmations. There were even some internal criticisms: if a member continues his complaint, he is deemed a "Ratfinkovich", and is excommunicated from Selfosophy.

In 1979, Onan Goopta molted his earthly encumbrance to pursue his Selfosophical research in another dimension -- that means he died of prostate cancer -- but the institution he left behind has never been so popular, as we head into the next millennium. A happy, upbeat ending if ever there was one.

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