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Raven Wolf

In Memorium
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Blog Entries posted by Raven Wolf

  1. Raven Wolf

    It's been a full month since the shit hit the fan, so to speak, & we were cheated out of the house we'd worked so hard for...
    It's been difficult to look at anything else, without judging it by the standards of what we loved and lost.
    But, I now present this possibility to the members here. I've been having a VERY hard time making myself like this place, because it's nothing like the other house, and is no where near the area I wanted to live in. Still, it's in pretty good shape, has a little more land with it than the other one did (good, since I now have the 3 dwarf goats I got for the other house!!!), and is a pretty good price. The floor to the front porch needs replacing, and I hate the interior colors, so I'd HAVE to re-paint. The exterior is vinyl siding, and our real estate agent claims it's a pale yellow, because she knows I wanted to paint the other one yellow, but I just think it's off-white, and would need to be painted, somehow...if you CAN paint that cheep plastic stuff.
    Any thoughts on this...positive or negative, would be appreciated.
    (you can see all photos and a video at My Photobucket









  2. Raven Wolf

    My friend Chris has been encouraging me that I can change the look and feel of this house completely so that I don't feel "unwelcome" any longer.
    (btw, we've made an offer, & the seller has sent in their counter-offer, but I don't know what it is, yet)
    As Chris pointed out, this place was decorated by someone obsessed with the hunting theme, and very little sense about colors and patterns. From the drab green on the walls, complete with deer wallpaper border, to the stone fireplace, the brown trim on the ceiling (the stripes you see on the off-white ceiling) which I'm told is an old English "Tudor" theme, used to continue the "deer lodge" feel, to the dead animals that used to litter the walls, shelves, and floor.....this place reeks of testosterone! 
    As Terry really doesn't care what I do to it, I may go a little crazy with decorating/repainting ideas, with Chris' help.
    Oddly enough, the sunroom/laundry room of this house is already yellow, and it connects to the kitchen, meaning that one of my plans is made easier. You may have seen the drab, predictable little kitchen in this house here in my blog. Well, I saw a kitchen in another house we looked at (WAY out of our price range) that inspired me..... Here it is...

    That's the look I'll be going for in the new one. Anything close will be an improvement.
    Here's another angle...

    Now, the so-called "Living room" is a whole other problem. It's actually too small for Terry to consider putting his entertainment center in. Well, not too small, but it's long and skinny. He doesn't think he can find the wall space, and wants to use one of the other rooms that's just off that room (the living room in this house is the green monstrosity with the stone fireplace) that's currently the living room as a "den", and put his tv, stereo, etc in there. So...this long green room will become more of a "library", or something, I guess. A room to sit and read, maybe entertain a guest if we ever actually have anyone over.....or whatever. So.....what to do with the dark green and the hunting theme???
    I could be really mean, and paint the whole damn thing pink, you know...... 

    Here's the same room, in a picture taken by me....showing the true color of that room is not so dark (the former picture was from a real estate site, taken in another home we looked at, last month) and showing Terry, goofing off!

    In my next post....we'll consider the bedroom and the 2 bathrooms......
  3. Raven Wolf
    Well, after a lot of struggle, and some finagling, we are now about to start the moving process to the house I have placed a few pictures here of, and that we've talked about remodeling. They dragged this out as long as they could, and almost screwed us out of this place as well. Terry had some trouble with his heart back in September, and has been on temp. disability. They tried to use that as a way of denying us the loan. Our real estate agent pulled some strings, and since the seller is desperate, with TWO mortgages, we will be paying his mortgage as "rent" until Terry gets back to work....which should be any time now. Then, we can finally close on the house.
    I will, regrettably, be offline during the last part of the move, while we try to get net service again.
    In other news, some of you may have seen me mention "Chris" in some posts here on the board. Christopher Stone is a very close friend of mine. We met through MySpace back in June. In July, after a terrible physical assault by Chris' roommate, he came here to live with me and Terry. I brought him here on July 5th, and he's been here ever since. Chris and I are closer than 2 friends could ever be, and he will be making the move with us.
    Below, see 2 pictures of the house, and me and Chris.


  4. Raven Wolf

    When we had signed the contract for the house we were supposed to get, I went out on a limb & bought 3 Pygmy goats, asking that they be held at the farm where I got them until we'd moved in and put in a pasture. It's long been a dream of mine (along with many more) to have a small 'farm', of slightly a slightly eccentric nature. Pygmy and Nigerian dwarf goats, Peacocks, herbs and a fruit orchard. So....when the house purchase fell through, I ended up with 3 goats living here in the tiny dog pin where we are right now...until we can find another house (2 more to look at, besides the one pictured here, then we'll decide). So....I just wanted to show them off to the members here. Now, along with my dog/spirit guide "Spencer", my little 'farm' is starting to take shape!

    This is Napoleon. So named because (a-hem...bad joke on the way) He's little, but he's got big balls! 

    "Baphomet". Named for a pagon god-like/goat like figure.

    My best friend Chris with "Esther". Named after the character in The X Files, Kill Switch. Why? Just because I thought it was cool....
  5. Raven Wolf

    M I L L E N N I U M 
    Quotations from "LUMINARY"
    Episode #2.12 [MLM-212] (5C12)]
    I never thought it would it would end like this. To tell the truth, I never thought it would end at all.There are forces acting on us, with or without our consent, forces sure of themselves as gravity. I thought knowing myself with the same certainty would keep me safe. Surprise! As they say, "What a long strange trip this has been."You want to know why it happened, and I can't tell you. But I do know when. It was that moment when I turned my back on everything, and felt peace.
    Alaska. I was never honest with you why I came back here. I could never quite explain, but I'll try to now while I still can. It happened on the cruise we took through Prince Edward's Sound. I was looking at the water and the mountains, which were beautiful, of course. But for me, up on the deck of that ship, I couldn't swear it wasn't just an incredibly realistic simulation. Not just the scenery, my whole life. All Junior and Senior year while I studied, ran track, filled out college applications.I returned here to find my life again. I had to. I don't quite understand what draws me on, but that is okay. God doesn't move us by telling us the facts. He moves us by pains and contradictions He's given me a lack of understanding, not answers, but questions. An invitation to marvel. And here for the first time, I have.I never thought it would end like this. To tell the truth, I never thought it would end at all. But like they say, "What a long, strange trip this has been."My leg is broken. I've lost a lot of blood. It's started to rain, and I know I'll never make it home. Some day some kid will tell Ian, "You're an idiot just like your brother, who threw his life away, walked into the woods, and died". I'm asking you this last favor, to put a better spin on it, for him. You two, and Ian, have always been real.
    Please know I love you. I'm thinking of you in the end. And I'm looking, at the stars.
    "It's that I didn't want to die. I wanted to be alive."
    We are meant to be here. We step from one piece of holy ground, to the next, under stars that ask, "Imagine for one second you could drop in on a past life. What would you like to find yourself doing there? What would charm you, make you proud?" Ask yourself that and the question of what to do in this life becomes so simple it's terrifying.
    Just to do that thing that would charm you, that would make you say, "Yes, this is the real me". Do that, and you're alive.
  6. Raven Wolf

    Just a short update. Tomorrow I'll respond privately to the sweet people who sent me PMs of support today....

    We've been cheated out of the house.

    To make a long, ugly story short.... I've had a bad feeling about this from the beginning. Not the house... The situation. After delay after delay.... the latest delay was because, as we just found out, we'd chosen (without knowing it) a govt loan, because we'd opted for "no money down", though we could have done the down payment. No one told us that this was the reason for all the inspections and delays. Once I found that out, we marched back to our realtor's office and signed a new contract, for slightly more money, with the seller paying a little more towards closing than he would have before. But, in the lapse between the 2 contracts (which would have lasted about 6 seconds) the seller was able to bump us off and take a higher bid from someone else. So, after 2 months of having this house under contract, he managed to wear us down and slip in the back door to sell it out from under us.

    As you can imagine.... I am devastated. Please forgive my lack of freakishly frequent involvement here for the time being.
  7. Raven Wolf

    As some of you know, we've been looking for a better place to live for a long time. First, we just wanted out because this place makes Buckstort look like a 5 star resort! But, after months of not really finding anything to rent (very little to choose from) and then getting screwed out of the one place we really LIKED, we happened upon this real estate agent....who's been a real blessing. She actually showed us that it WAS possible for us to own a home! And, then took us looking..... On the FIRST day of looking, this is one of the ones we went to see. I was enchanted from the beginning! It's an old, 1920's Victorian farm house (and I've always wanted a Victorian farm house!), only about a 5 minute drive from a local lake, and I am STILL in shock at the thought this might actually happen!

    Please go see all the pictures in my photobucket here, and come back to see the progress! The outside needs painting (yellow, of course!) and the gardens need tending, but this is home!

    Go to the link to see ALL the pictures!!!!
  8. Raven Wolf

    It's been a while since I've posted an update. This is partially due to the stress and anger this situation has caused.

    The closing date for our house has been put off FOUR times, all due to things not in our control. Our part in this is squared away, but there have been clerical errors, people not getting inspections done at the proper times, etc. Then, Friday the 18th, a bomb was dropped. Suddenly, an inspector said he did not like the way the foundation was done on the house (it was built in the early 1900's) and he wanted repairs done before we would be allowed to buy it. This would be at the cost of the seller, and he won't hear of it. I was devastated. We've had a contract on this house since June 1st, and there's been problem after problem all along the way. NOW, only after I pitched a fit and insisted they look for other options, have we been informed that the problem was because, when our real estate agent asked did we want to put NO money down, or $5,000 or more, we said "no money down". She never told us that the "no money down" loan was a govt loan and the $5,000 down loan (which we could afford) was a conventional loan....nor that the difference would have meant a difference in headaches. So, now that we know, we've asked to go through it with a conventional loan.....while I still wonder if this will ever happen.

    Some people out there might wonder why this is so important to me. Why this house is so important. Why owning a home is important at ALL to me. To those people, I offer the following....

    On August 9th, 1975, my parents moved into a yellow house in Maysville GA. I was not quite 2 years old then. The house was in terrible shape. It was *supposed* to be a project for my parents to work on together. Fixing up an old house. That has now become a lifelong dream of mine, since it was a dream never reached by my mother. It seemed that, despite what he'd said before, my father was totally unwilling to even make the house habitable, much less restored. This is a 2 story farm house, with 5 rooms and 2 baths downstairs, and another 2 rooms upstairs, yet I was forced to sleep in my parent's bedroom till I was 8. Why? Because my father couldn't be bothered to fix up the other bedroom for me. It needed painting, insulation, electrical outlets. Finally, it took my mom painting, and finally forcing the issue to get me into that bedroom, which was still not insulated. (nor was the rest of the house) All through my childhood, I wanted a goldfish. Ya know, those things that were like 25 cents? I couldn't have a goldfish, because it would have frozen to death in the winter. Our shampoo froze every year. Most of our stuff stayed in boxes in the attic for most of my life....never unpacked, because my mom was waiting for when the house was finally fixed up so we could begin to live. The kitchen was almost non-existent, and the sloping floor (it used to be a back porch) spent years, rotting away, while my father refused to do anything to it. My mom did what she could, but she's not a carpenter. He at least knew how to do things, but that didn't mean they ever got done. We were totally under his control. My entire childhood was spent alone. I was afraid to make friends, because I knew they'd want to come over and play, and mom was so ashamed of our house that she wouldn't allow it. So, what few friends I had....I had to keep lying to and making up excuses why they couldn't come over. This extended into my teen years, when I started being interested in boys. Certainly couldn't have boyfriends in the house, either! I've lost count how many guys I had to ask to pee outside over the years. How humiliating is that, for a teenage girl who's already shy? And, my best friend, Laury, whom some of you know about, was NEVER able to come in the door of the house. Even when things got dangerous in her marriage, and I asked my mom if she could stay with us for a while, she was reluctant. I've never been able to get rid of the feeling that I failed her, by not being able to offer her shelter. That's pretty much a condensed version of my life. My curse.....never being able to have someone in my house, and never being comfortable in it myself, or feeling like it was home.

    And so now, there is finally a chance.... My first house started out yellow, and mom painted it white. This house looks like maybe it used to be white....and it's now been alone and neglected for a long time, and I want to change it to yellow. On the plus side, there's actually insulation, central heat and air, and even gas log fireplaces! Finally....a chance....to feel secure for the first time in my life. To feel I belong somewhere....that I'm welcome....and that the people I care about are welcome as well. At last a chance to NOT have to be ashamed and hide from the world. To finally start to DO the things I've always wanted to do with my life, but have NEVER done, because I've always felt insecure and subject to the whims of others. I've been waiting to LIVE all my LIFE. Every breath I take I take very lightly, because I feel it is not my right, because I have no place on this earth that is my own. I've never felt I belonged anywhere! I want to finally feel I'm not just borrowing someone else's space. I want my own space.... to learn to paint.... to grow and breed flowers.... to cultivate home grown eggs from my own chickens, and grow herbs and fruits...... to set up my own desk and write.... to free my mind enough to THINK about what it is that I really want to DO with my life, rather than worrying where I'm going to LIVE my life.... and to invite the people I love to come share life with me, rather than have to hide, in shame and solitude.

    Is that too much to ask?
  9. Raven Wolf

    As I can't seem to get the gallory to let me upload pictures anymore.... (they're probably too big, but I don't have the software, nor the know-how, the reduce them), I'm linking these images from my photobucket.

    The house we're buying is in really great condition, except for the kitchen. I've managed to scavenge some appliances (a fridge, a stove/oven, & a dishwasher), but it needs some serious painting & redecorating. The bathroom is ok....but it'll be my next redecorating project. The gardens are also quite out of control, and it'll take a good bit of work to get them shaped up.

    Anyway, here are pictures of the kitchen the way it is now.... After that, a picture I found on a real estate site of another house, with a kitchen I rather like.... Any ideas, advice?

    And here's the picture I found online, of a kitchen in a different house. Thoughts?

  10. Raven Wolf

    A few strange events in the last week have me wanting to take advantage of creative opportunities, and grow more in whatever abilities it is that I have.........even if I don't even know they are there yet.

    This blog is one such gift/tool that I feel isn't being used to its highest potential. (neither is the rest of me)

    I've wandered for so long in my life..... always hoping for some divine inspiration to show me the way. This may be in relationships, in careers, or even just what to make for dinner tonight! I've found no burning bushes and am asking members here to help me set a few fires. This blog has been a sort of rarely used Journal. I pop in and throw in some artsy pics of my car, or a random bit I wish I could make into a movie, or I bitch about my mother, and that's pretty much the end of it.

    I don't just want to cut and paste Paranormal news stories. Southern Celt's pretty much got that covered! (and he's damn good at it!)

    Any thoughts?
  11. Raven Wolf


    Well, it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know.
    Oh, the dashboard melted, but we still have the radio.

    Oh, it should've been, could've been worse than you would ever know.
    Well, you told me about nowhere well it sounds like someplace I'd like to go.

    Oh, it could've been, should've been worse than you would ever know.
    Well, the windshield was broken but I love the fresh air you know.
    (The dashboard melted but we still have the radio)

    Oh, it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know, oh!
    (The dashboard melted but we still have the radio)
    Oh, we talked about nothing which was more than I wanted you to know-oh-oh-oh-oh.
    Now here we go!

    Oh! It would've been, could've been worse than it had even gone
    Well, the car was on blocks, but I was already where I want.
    (It was impossible, we ran it good, we ran it good)

    Why should we ever even ever really even get to know?
    (It was impossible, we ran it good, we ran it good)
    Oh if the world don't like us it'll shake us just like we were a co-oh-oh-oh-old.
    Now here we go!

    Well we scheme and we scheme but we always blow it
    We've yet to crash, but we still might as well tow it
    Standing at a light switch to each east and west horizon,
    Every dawn you're surprising,
    And in the evening one's consoling
    Saying "See it wasn't quite as bad as"
    Well, it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know.

    I was patiently erasing and recording the wrong episodes
    After you had proved my point wrong,
    It wasn't like I'd let it go, oh-oh-oh. Oh-oh-oh.
    I just wanted to catch the last laugh of this show.

    Yeah, it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know.
    Oh, the dashboard melted, but we still have the radio.
    (The dashboard melted, but we ran it good, we ran it good)

    Hard-wired to conceive, so much we'd have to stow it
    Even needs have needs, tiny giants made of tinier giants.
    Don't wear eyelids so I don't miss the last laugh of this show.
    (The dashboard melted but we still have the radio)

    Oh, we could've been, should've been worse than you would ever know.
    (The dashboard melted but we still have the radio)
    Well, you told me about nowhere well it sounds like someplace I'd like to go-oh-oh-oh-oh.
    Now here we go!

    Well we scheme and we scheme but we always blow it
    We've yet to crash, but we still might as well tow it
    Standing at a light switch to each east and west horizon,
    Every dawn you're surprising,
    And in the evening one's consoling
    Saying "See it wasn't quite as bad as"

    Oh it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know.

  12. Raven Wolf
    Warning---foul language. I'm sorry for the bitchiness, & declare that TIWWA holds no responsibility for the pissed-off tone to this entry. This is personal bull-shit, and has nothing to do with any members here.

    My life is f**ked up.

    That's the long & the short of it. Damned if I do, & damned if I don't. You'd think I'd learn...but nooooo....

    I just got out of therapy for the day, & after recounting the latest way that my mother ruined a perfectly good day, dragging me into looking at houses for her, making phone calls for her, setting up appointments, taking her there, etc to my therapist, he advised me to start limiting my interaction time with her. Wow.... I just wish I knew ahead of time which version of mom I'm dealing with, so I'd know what days to just not call.

    Sunday--- I'd planned to spend the day, looking at rental homes for Terry & I, but ended up taking mom (Terry in tow) to see a house she had asked me to call about. I was in a perfectly good mood, which soon faded after a couple of arguments about my driving. (she's always been critical of my driving. I'm either too fast or too slow. nothing is ever good enough.) Then, after seeing the house, & despite being a bit pissed off, I offered to take her to an antique store I knew she'd been wanting to go to. Things seemed to go quite well, and her mood improved along with mine. Then, as we were leaving, she made a comment to Terry that he told me about later. She said to Terry "We'll get home faster if you drive." Funny, considering she's about the slowest driver I know. So, basically, she found about 10 ways to hurt my feelings in one day, all without even being aware of it.

    Now, today.... I call her up, to tell her something funny. A woman she knows online has a house we didn't know she had, and I just happened to bump into her ad where she has it up for sale. I just thought it was a funny coincidence, but that short, simple conversation began to melt down into a drama scene of blame, inflicted on me for somehow "not doing enough" to help her get moved out of the house she's in. She has it in her head that she's going to sell her place, buy something with more land, and 2 homes, AND build an earth sheltered home for her, while living in one of the houses, with me and Terry in the other....(probably a mobile home) and then move into the better house when she gets her earth sheltered house.

    Does anyone else see how manipulative this plan is???? It seems to state that Terry & I cannot take care of ourselves, or ever have a decent home of our own, without her help. She's determined to have us living on the same property with her. WHY? Because we all get along so well???? (thick sarcasm) After a lifetime of brainwashing ME into believing I can't take care of myself....by overprotecting me so strongly that I never played like I wanted to, only rode my OWN horse ONCE, and did not get my driver's license till I was 18 and had to get a boyfriend to teach me to drive.... (here in the US, you can drive when you are 16)...she now wants to have that control over me AND Terry!!! Is it any wonder I'm 34 years old and have never accomplished anything???

    THEN, as if that wasn't bad enough...she kept going on and on about how crazy she was going, having to do it all herself, and stating that I just didn't understand. I said "I do. There's just nothing that I can do about it." She yelled "Yes, there is!" I said "What? Do you want me to come over and paint your house for you?" She says No, but then starts brining up some of the old crap of mine that's still there that she's having to push around. I said "You know, at the point I'm at in my life, I'm temped to just tell you to chuck it all. I've got too much else going on to deal with storing old baggage. It just needs to go."

    That didn't help. She just got more and more angry and out of control until I just got off the phone.

    Is it any wonder I'm in therapy?
  13. Raven Wolf
    Idea #1 A Millenniumistic Infiniti commercial. I have the ideas, but not the computer experience or programs to do it.
    Use several different artistic images of Infinitis....blend in quotes from Millennium, or Millenniumistic sounding ones....add some interesting, gothic mood music, and end it with the Ouroboros rotating, then fuzz/blending into the Infiniti symbol.

    Idea #2 "The Road Not Traveled", a new, fan-made movie, inspired by Millennium...focusing on Landon (from Room with No View) and Alex (from Luminary) and where their lives went after their experiences in their prospective episodes.... This movie would bring them together. What did they do with their lives since we last saw them? (title subject to change)

    Idea #3 The X Files, virtual season 10! If Millennium can have virtual seasons, why not The X Files?
  14. Raven Wolf

    That is the working title for this "inspired by real life" story, & is subject to change.

    Recent events have filled me with a renewed sense of awe & closure, & has inspired me to finally write the story of Nicholas Fitton. This amazing individual is the stuff legends are made of, and someone needs to know the truth.

    A very brief summery of our lives, and what this story (to someday be a movie) is about.

    Nicholas & I met early in 1988. He was dating my best friend's older sister, & I was instantly captivated by him. I was only 14 (soon to turn 15) at the time. Months later, in July, I felt/sensed the car wreck he was in, on the way home from a 4 of July fireworks display. A connection had already been formed. Some time later, we chanced to meet again at a literary meet of local high schools. My best friend (Laury) gave him my phone number when I wasn't around. Thus began the phone calls, as he kept telling me we were meant to be together. I was afraid he was just a typical, using teenage boy, though a part of me was still enchanted by him. My mom, of course, freaked at the idea of a senior talking to me, a freshman.

    Thus began our hiding of our relationship, for the rest of the year and until part way through 1989. Then, he joined the army. We kept in touch while he was there.... for 2 years...until he came home in 1992. Now I was 18, and we had several wonderful months together, though I could tell something had changed in him. He was involved in something very secretive in the military, and feared for my safety if I remained in a relationship with him.

    In fall of 1992, I was in a car wreck that some members are familiar with. When I came out of the coma, I started asking for him, though I could remember nothing else. Someone let him know what happened to me, and he came to see me. For the next 15 years, he felt responsible for my wreck, thinking someone tried to kill me for what I knew.

    For 15 years, I searched, until now I've found him.
  15. Raven Wolf

    <object width="528" height="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dylanmessaging.com/mediaplayer/assets/flash/message-embedded.swf"></param><param name="bgcolor" value="#AD1A22"></param><param name="flashvars" value="messageID=MVVY-G7PZ-KSHQ-UKZ1-V894&embedID=5863&autoPlayMessage=true"></param><embed src="http://www.dylanmessaging.com/assets/flash/message-embedded.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="528" height="400" bgcolor="#AD1A22" flashvars="messageID=MVVY-G7PZ-KSHQ-UKZ1-V894&embedID=5863&autoPlayMessage=true"></embed></object>
  16. Raven Wolf

    I had thought of making something like this before, just for the fun of it, but after watching a small commercial about "Mind Movies" and the power of intention, where the host was trying to sell a package for almost 30 bucks to walk you through doing what I'd already thought of doing.....just for fun....a long time ago, I've decided to go through with my plan.

    This was actually going to be my entry into the 10-13 Idol contest I've started. I have posted that one little quick video I made with the music I had my friend make for the Millennium, Appocolypse movie that never got used. So, now I think I'll make my own little cool, upbeat video that'll help keep me on track, and encouraged, and be a small tribute to 1013 at the same time!

    So, in order to remember what I'm going to be gathering..... here's a list.

    Images from Millennium and The X Files.

    Quotes from Millennium and The X Files.

    Images and inspirational quotes from some of my favorite Infiniti commercials. (trust me, there are some really good ones!)

    Pictures I gather of things that I want to draw into my life, as well as things I already have that are past achievements....like Terry, my dogs, horses, etc.

    More to come!
  17. Raven Wolf
    Tonight, I just watched several 3rd season Millennium episodes, including The Innocents and Seven & One.

    I feel like there's something inside me, ready to burst.... Or just that it's been in me so long it's outgrown its environment.

    I don't know if there's really something to all of this, or if it's all in my head. Either way, it's slowly eating away at me.

    I don't know what led to it, but Mom and I started talking about Laury's death this past week. She pointed out the fact that she didn't think I'd reacted "normally". That I never got angry, raged, cried or anything. I reminded her I fell apart when we saw the report on the news... (by the way, I now know why they make sure family has been notified before airing the names of someone who's the victim of a crime on the TV. Since I wasn't 'family', I was not spared this).... All she said was that I'd started screaming "I KNEW IT! I KNEW HE'D DO THIS! I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM! I'LL KILL HIM, I'LL KILL HIM, I'LL KILL HIM...'' and that it was then, that they got to that part of the report, stating that Calvin had shot himself to death. Mom said.... "He's already dead.".... and something inside of me shut down. I had known what he was going to do. I'd sensed it, months before, and had tried to warn her. Now, what felt like the only way I had to make things right.... which was hunt him down myself and kill him....even that had been taken away.

    My next memory was hours later, sitting outside with the dogs.... There seemed no point in anything. How does one just go through a regular spring evening, going through the exact same motions through the day.... Feeding the horses, walking the dogs, watering the flowers... (trying to "keep the peace" with my parents the way I had my whole life, with acts of placating and dodging guilt).... after something like this?

    That night, I sat upright in my bed.... unable to sleep, staring into space, and I saw a light on the left side of the room. I told myself I'd imagined the whole thing. It was a large, milky white cloud, but I just kept telling myself I'd made it up in my head.

    I remember Mom asking me didn't I want to talk. All I could think was... "What is there to say? She's dead." In talking about this the other day, she said for the millionth time that this had affected me, and that I should express it. I shot back... "It isn't ABOUT me!" Which is the same thing I've said to two therapists, several friends, and her more than once. "This isn't ABOUT me!"

    Now... 7 years and 3 months later.... Why am I still here? What's the point of anything anymore? I've clung to something she said about Millennium.... about my journey and Frank's being the same. About ME being the same as Frank. But, did I make it all up in my head? If I was as "gifted" as everyone thinks, wouldn't I have been able to save her? Wouldn't I have been able to save a LOT of people?

    I've been a lost cause all my life.... and yet I'm still here.

    I think God forgot to pick me up when it was my time.
  18. Raven Wolf

    It is time for a makeover. My hair, my clothes, my body, my LIFE. Something in me died a few years ago, and I have to get it back, or else life is not worth living anymore. I've been told I'm in a prolonged state of shock.... Most likely brought on by #1 Wendell, and his absue from 1996 to 1998. #2 Laury's death in 2000. #3 My own car wreck, in 1992. and #4 A lifetime in a toxic environment, where I had to 'grow up' far faster than I should have. I don't think just ONE of these things got me to the state I'm in. I think it took each of them, and a lot of time, to wear me down. I've gotten to the point where I have trouble making even the smallest of decisions. I'm afraid to express any opinion. It's almost like I'm disconnected from my life!

    I'm going to have to do some major...and I do mean MAJOR things to shake things loose. A change in hairstyle, wardrobe, dayly habits, food, everything.... to try to dislodge me from the pain that has me stuck, like a ship hung on a rock. I can feel this blockage in my gut. It's like a physical pain deep inside that I've learned to ignore most of the time, but whenever it's time to do something new, different, desirable, passionate, authentic...then this pain comes back like a brick in my gut. It's almost like I have an anger, a rage, deep sorrow and pain that I don't even know is THERE! At times, I feel the rage beneath the surface, but I don't know what I have to be mad about, so I suppress it. The same goes for when I feel tears come to my eyes for no apparent reason. It's like there is a demon within me that must be exorcised in order for me to live.

    I'm going to keep coming back with different posts here. Ideas on new hairstyles, (as silly as that seems) Also, thoughts on how to get closure for some of the deepest wounds in me. (I've forced myself to let go of the pain of what Wendell did to me, but it still lurks beneath the surface, and I did not even realize how much of a hold he still has on my life until a few days ago. ) Even finding a way to go swim in a pool or pond, and ride a horse. Something to get me alive again.

    Right now, I am in a living death, deep inside. I'm grateful and blessed for the part Terry plays in my life, but that will not be able to prosper if I don't work on what's wrong with me.
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