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Raven Wolf

In Memorium
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Blog Entries posted by Raven Wolf

  1. Raven Wolf
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  2. Raven Wolf

    It has been 4 years since I joined TIWWA. So many things have happened in that time.... both in my personal life and with my involvement with the group here. Well, I have lately come to realize that there are parts of my mind... my spirit... my soul... which are in pain, and need to be healed.

    My best friend, Selfosophy Psycho (who has been like Mulder to me over the years) gave me a "safe place" to release some of the demons of my past, and for this, I thank him. He helped me grow more than he realizes. Now, it is time for the next step. I may only look like a short little woman, but with the weight of horrible memories that fill my mind, I feel I must be the size of a giant, to encase it all. It is time for this to be released, and I don't know how. I have represeed the anger, the fear, the rage, and the sorrow longer than anyone ever should, and it is time for it to GO AWAY so I can move on with my life... be the person I was born to be.

    Stay tuned....

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  3. Raven Wolf
    I watched a DVD of the movie "Seabiscut" tonight....
    Words cannot express what learning things I never knew about one of the greatest racehorses who ever lived and his jocky did to me.

    This horse was manipulated by his first owner and forced to be a looser, because they did not like his attitude, and wanted to use him to teach others to win. He was held back for the first few years of his life.

    His rider was a guy who'd gotten the short end of the stick his whole life, since this was during the time of the stock market crash. Also, according to the movie, he had lost the sight in one of his eyes, due to a head injury he got while boxing to try to make a little money. The two came together, battered, broken, angry....and healed each other. They begain to win.... and just before the biggest race of their career, the man was injured while on another horse. His leg was broken, and he was told he'd never ride again. The owners temp. hired another rider, just to fill in, and he won. A few races later, Seabiscut injured his leg as well. He was almost "put down" right then, but the owners wanted to give him a chance to live...even if he never raced again. After months, horse and rider healed each other, and a "lame" horse, ridden by a half-blind man with a broken (still was healing) leg, went on to win one of the biggest races in professional Thouroughbred racing.

    Most of you don't know this.... but I have a "gift" with horses. When I was a teenager, I planned to try to become the first female trainer and rider in history to win the Triple Crown. Well, I may not do that.... but if a half blind man can do what he did, with a broken leg, on the back of a "lame" horse who'd been "trained to loose" all his life.............. Then what can a Half-blind woman, with a "bumb" leg, who's ALSO been "Trained to Loose" all her life do???

    There's things I want to do before I die....

    I want to ride a horse again, like I did when I was younger...Maybe even get back to training, the way I was teaching myself to do, all those years ago.................

    I want to use my talents as an intuitive and my passion for the paranormal/metaphysical, and make a difference... working on violent crimes........... and making paranormal discoveries.

    I want to enrich the world with my art.... My screenplay writing/song writing/ and my singing.

    I want to blaze my way through this life, and never be unhappy, fearfull, or controlled by guilt ever again.
  4. Raven Wolf
    "Iris" is a song that sounds as if I'd written it myself.... So, have a glimpse inside my mind....

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  5. Raven Wolf
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  6. Raven Wolf

    I'm going to be cutting & pasting my "Guidestones" story here, and then going through and editing it, to make it into a screenplay. After I have a finished screenplay, I'll be looking for people that can bring this movie to life.

    Trust me....this is going to be awesome....
  7. Raven Wolf

    I feel like the "clean up crew" of TIWWA...ROFL! How is it that the ones that are *bleeped* in the head all find me! Delt with one troll a couple of years ago....and now a new one has waisted quite a lot of my time.

    All under the cloud of trying to HELP me.

    In January, I noticed a post by this guy (who shall remain nameless at this time), and it led me to create a sperate group. A "Millennium Group", of people who were trying to find out who murdered an 18 year old girl in 2005. I did all the work...while he sat in the background, giving me orders of what to do next. I felt, since he knew more about the area, and the case, that I should trust him...up to a point, if only to further my own agenda of using my so called "gift", to finally do some GOOD in the world. It was a disaster. Now, months later, I'm picking up the pieces and trying to get somewhere with it, having re-established contact with someone who is close to the family of the victim. All this mess, and time loss, because I believed someone who came alone saying "I want to help you." See...usualy, it's the other way around. I've had to be counselor, court jester, program director my whole *bleeping* life, and so when someone comes along, saying they actually want to HELP me make a positive CHANGE in my life....Well, I cautiously went for it! For months, this man took me through some kind of mind game, while saying this was to teach me to bring wealth into my life...both money, and a general "rich life". I didn't spend any REAL money on him, but I invested WAY too much time to someone who just turned around and stabbed me in the back.
    HOW, you might ask??? Because, when he emailed me, and said "You need to go to school and get a PI's license...I'll pay for it." I was VERY uncomfortable. Money is a CONTROL tool. I wasn't even sure if being a PI was what I wanted, and what would be the best thing for me, and everyone involved. I have some strange things going on in my head, most of which I feel quite ashamed of...feeling they make me more than a little crazy. Well, when I hesitated, he turned on me, insulting me to my very core. I retaliated, and blasted him back. He then turned on everyone here at TIWWA, and said I was a lazy cry baby.

    I'm not going to name names, but I think you might get a clue from Graham's latest post.

    Anyway, the dust has settled, as it were, and hopefully, I can regain some sense of myself and what I am meant to be doing. I feel like a crazy idiot, because I have these ideas in my head that I've got some kind of intuition or something. It's embarassing, because I feel like people will just think I'm living in a freaking tv show. I don't have enough proof (since the occurances have been spread out over the years) to justify what I'm saying.

    That's it for the night. I'll try to stop ranting soon.
  8. Raven Wolf

    I am tired.

    I am tired of being alone....yet never alone. Of being helpless to move forward with my life, abandoned like a bad habit..........Yet constantly clung to, like the same bad habit, with a stranglehold of dependence and a need to control. Yep, that's it. I feel like a f***ing cigarette (damn....I actually DO feel like a cigarette! Pitty I can't smoke anymore)

    Yeah.... A used, tired old cigarette.....sucked dry, 'till there's nothing left of the soul inside. All smoked out and spread to the wind. Depended on completely for support, yet blamed for all that is wrong in the lives of the users. Expected to be the answer to every question, and then snuffed out when I fail to satisfy the emptiness inside. Tossed into a muddy ditch, or a scorching sidewalk, and ground into the dirt by the bootheals of my abuser.

    My Soul Is Tired.....

  9. Raven Wolf

    Below is today's exchange in the stupid soap opera that has arisen because of my refusal to be treated like a 2nd class citizen any longer by a so-called "friend". What she said is in quote...my response is not.
    My God! When did I ever say I wanted you to see me as a victim and pity me??? There is a difference between that and total lack of acceptance and compassion for another person's hardships! Poverty is a hindrance that can be overcome, too, but that does not mean that if someone reaches out to you for help, you turn your back, saying you refuse to see their hindrance! I never once said that my disabilities meant I was unable to live a full and happy life. Please take in what I actually SAY, and not what you THINK I am saying. As a leader of a "spiritual group", I would think you would be more compassionate than the average person to the needs of others. That was what was such an eye opening experience here, for which I am thankful. --------------To see that a 25 year old guy showed me more compassion, understanding, and acceptance than someone who is old enough to be my MOTHER, and is the co-founder and leader of a spiritual group!Again.....I don't have the desire to waste my time on anger on this subject.You and Keith are entitled to peace in your lives. But I am also entitled to honesty. You don't seem to have a problem being brutally honest about other things, regardless of whether or not it hurts my feelings. I wonder why you found it necessary to lie on this subject...? I said why I called, when I did. I had left something there, and when I retrieved it, on the day I was taking photos of Keith's things for sale to try to help him out, too, and got it back, I dropped the subject.I accept your apology, though I don't see why....you did not think it necessary to be honest with me, when, as I have said, this has certainly not hindered you in the past. I'm sorry that statement bothers you. Willow was a wonderful woman, and the world will feel her loss for some time to come. However, I feel that, yet again, you are taking my words, and twisting them to fit your own preconceived perception of me. You stated "I have apologized for not sharing every detail of how we decided..." That's NOT what I mean by consideration!!! Is it only close, dear friends that are worthy of being treated like human beings who need help? I TRIED to become a friend to you, over the last 7 years, but found that impossible. There is obviously only room in your life for a certain type of friends. 100% able-bodied, perhaps?It's a good choice for you and Keith to not choose to be around people that "stir up shit".... It also seems you don't want to be around people who question the "staus-quo", or who disagree with the way you choose to perceive the world, and the people in it, and who want to make their OWN choices, not be told how it is acceptable to be. I choose not to be around that any longer. It is such intolerance, and my own lack of backbone to stand up and say something about it, that has held me back most of my life. From this moment forward....I will not make that mistake again.Let me quote "Field of Dreams". "Is this why you did this? For YOU? I think you'd better stay here, Ray." I have also spent too much time and energy on this. I have felt that I was brought into your life to help you see, as you have stated, certain things you need to work on. You stated, "I am a realist and to some I can seem insensitive. I have a tendency to speak my truth upfront without holding back. I am not saying that is the best way to be. I am just saying that is how I am." If you are realizing that is not the best way to be, why do you accept it as "how you are"? If you can see that this is causing you trouble, is it not time to consider a change? I have changed more than you can possibly imagine in the last few years. I never would have had the courage to speak to you about how hurt and rejected I have felt over the years. I am quite proud of who I have become, as are the close friends in my life that have helped me make this change.... My beloved Terry....my dear friend Scott, to whom I am eternally grateful, Brad, Rick, (your ex husband, Tim, whom I must than again for standing up for me.) and all the others that came into my life in the last few years. Did you not wonder why I simply stopped attending circles? Or did no one even care? I am not demanding special consideration for ONLY ME. I am hoping, by taking this stand, that if someone else comes into your life in the future with similar needs (and they will....life keeps repeating lessons until we GET IT) that my speaking my mind NOW will have a positive affect on you in the future. "Get over it"? Honey....I am so far over it I think I just heard my ears pop! That is all I have to say.....
  10. Raven Wolf

    Kinda proud of myself for this..... Last month, I thought I had a place all lined up for Terry to move into. It was with a couple of so-called "friends". I was in this drumming circle, and the 2 couples that were kinda in charge of the whole thing BOTH split up recently. Karen, the wife of Tim, left her husband for Keith, the husband of Debbie. (Karen and Debbie used to be best friends) Sounds like a typical red-neck drama, huh? Well, Karen is now living with Keith, in this big house, and they were saying they wanted to rent out the upstairs to Terry. They HAD been renting out to this other woman, but she became very sick with cancer and died last month. Karen suggested Terry move in there, when he moves down next month. We all discussed it, via the phone, and had it all arranged. We were just waiting because the woman who was ill had not died yet, though we all knew she would, and it just seemed in poor taste. Well, when she died, Karen and Keith hosted a "memorial" for her, at their home. I attended. There was a guy there named Mike, who is renting a trailer on the property. He's 25. He said he'd seen me before, but never got up the nerve to talk to me. So, he basically came on to me BIG TIME....which was surprising and flattering at the same time, as well as confusing. I'm not that used to strangers coming on to me like that.Well....Karen took notice, and when I called the house after I went home that night, and asked Keith to tell Mike "Thank you" for being so helpful to me (being disabled, I take notice when someone is THAT attentive towards me....Karen sure never has been. She's got the "let 'em sink or swim" attitude) Well, Keith handed Mike the phone, who then tried even MORE to get me to consider going out with him. I'd told him a dozen times that I was engaged, but he wasn't taking "no" for an answer. Well, the next day, when I called Karen for a different reason, she went off on me BIG TIME...saying I shouldn't be doing that when I was engaged. (what the f***??? who's the one who screwed over her best friend and shacked up with her husband, leaving her own husband??? Geee...."Kettle, this is Karen....You're black!") She wouldn't stop bitching at me long enough for me to explain, and then I just couldn't take it anymore and ended the conversation. A few days later.....(maybe a week)....she called me on the day my dog died to tell me that "It wasn't going to work out." She said this AFTER I told her my dog had just died....and came up with some lame excuse about needing to work on that part of the house, which had already been discussed, and we'd all decided it wasn't a problem. NOW, she was using this excuse to keep us away. Well....it was obvious to me...Terry, and pretty much everyone else I talked to that she'd done this because of Mike. When she was in the middle of bitching at me for "hanging around" with Mike too much, she said... "You always do this! Just because a man is nice to you, you just ASSUME he WANTS YOU. Mike was just being NICE! He doesn't WANT YOU!" Bullshit, I say! She went on and on, basically acting like the thought I was the most pathetic looser in the world, who thought that every man who was nice to me wanted me, and that I was delusional. So, it was OBVIOUS that she was doing this out of spite. Now...we've barely spoken since then, and then there was this series of Emails, beginning yesterday, which I shall post here, since I'm a little bit proud of putting this woman in her place after 7 years of her trying to keep me down. Enjoy~ In a message dated 9/19/2005 7:53:39 AM Eastern Standard Time,dancingdoe@hotmail.com writes:
    Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 14:53:41 EDT>>Hi, Karen. No, he hasn't made it down yet. Things have been hell, tryingto find a place for him, since things fell apart with your place. I've beenworking non-stop to try to get something for him. (that's on TOP of all theother work I have to get done) "Oliver", the guy with the place you told meabout, has been putting us off for weeks and weeks, saying he has to wait forthe people he's got to have to work on fixing up this place to finish a jobthey've been working on for over 2 years....before they can even get to thishouse.....and so we wait. The knot is getting tighter in my gut,since...when we thought everything was settled with your place, he quit his job andstarted packing. Now...he's been out of work for almost a month, and the savingsisn't going to last forever.We need to talk...........Erin McRaven> No, I didn't "check out that trailer". I don't have a CAR to go driving up and down roads all day long, remember? How is he going to "come on down, put his stuff in storage and look for a place"? What's he gonna DO...live in his CAR, along with his cat?Yes....I am aware of the paper...I have been making calls, hunting the internet, chasing down leads, almost non-stop now for 3 weeks. (all of which I could have been doing ahead of time, if I had not thought he already had a place lined up and that everything was settled) Everything is either $500-$600, doesn't allow pets, or both. It's not a matter of it being "off schedule" by the middle of September. When we thought things were settled...last month, he quit his job and I quit looking. Now I've gotta do this all alone, and make up months of work looking when I could have been doing ahead of time, if I'd known what the hell was going on. It sounds like I am "stressed out"..... No shit! Glad I managed to get that much across! Please don't start preaching to me about "trusting and having faith". I know all that shit already...but I don't think that kind of talk is appropriate at this time. Not when I know what's really going on here. I see the "big picture", but it's probably not the one you are referring to. Hmmm....by the way...how's Mike...? (sarcasm intended.) This next part is the previous Email, with my comments worked in. I am not angry. I don't have time to be angry. And I have better things to direct my energy towards than to be angry at you. If you don't understand my comment about what is really going on, then I can't help you. Sometimes, the clearest signs are right in front of us, but we just don't want to accept them.With this much, I agree. And it was obvious that it was time for me to make the choice I did that led to this current moment in which I find myself typing this message, saying what has needed to be said for a long time. I am not the shy, weak little girl you met 7 years ago. I'm older, wiser, and trust my instincts. Something I never used to do. And my instincts are right on target this time.He stayed in a motel which cost hundreds of dollars before.Staying here is not an option. We have discussed it, and with all the personal stuff he has, and the situation in this house, it is just not right for us. I will not let the negativity of this house get in the way of what I have with him. It is far too important to me.I am not blaming Keith at all, and I hope he realizes that. But I'm not an idiot, and neither is Terry, and when Terry spoke with Keith, (the night of the day you told me you'd changed your mind...same day my dog died...) Terry said that he felt Keith was "uncomfortable," and that he didn't want it to be this way. Terry is gifted as I am...with the ability to "read" people, and Keith was coming in loud and clear...that he did not want it to be this way, and that he could have used the money. I'm only sorry he got caught in the middle of this. And this has nothing to do with shit not "flowing." Things have been sticky before....and I've dealt with it. I am not whining about not being able to have him live there. It would have had quite a few challanges. (interestingly enough, after I sent you that Email earlier today, I got a call with what sounds like a wonderful place for him...Obviously, I just needed to be out in the open about how I feel on this subject for things to "flow".) What I am having "issues" with is the underlying reason behind this decision...which you may not even be accepting or seeing in yourself. Everyone else sees it. I see it. Terry sees it. Hell, even TIM sees it! We are all learning and growing. I have not reached the height of personal growth any more than you have. If you wish to see the light, and face this challenge in your life and learn from it and move on...I am obviously in your life at this time to help facilitate that. However, if you are not ready to, then I guess there is nothing left to say.___________________________________________________________________________________ And now on to todays.... 7 years is too long to go...... Without telling someone that how they're treating you is unacceptable.I've finaly just sent Karen the Email that will probably push all of her buttons and really piss her off. Oh well. This is a "long time coming".First.... the one she sent me this morning. Then, the one I just sent her. Now, to my response._______________________________________________________________________________I'm glad you want me to be honest. I was attempting to be tactful about this. I should have said something a long time ago, but thought I should try to just let it go. That, was obviously a mistake. My "attraction to Mike"..... Ooooh boy. If you remember, I NEVER ONCE said I was attracted to him. You just saw us together and assumed. And, when you felt it necessary to express your feelings about what a big mistake you felt I was making, other people were brought up....like Bud. If I remember the quote correctly, it went something like..... "You always do this! Every time a man is nice to you, you think he wants you! Mike was just being Mike! He's just nice! That doesn't mean he wants you!" That hurt like you cannot begin to imagine. Did you ever consider that it was actually the other way around? Here is what actually happened. When Mike first showed up, I sensed he was uncomfortable. He seemed almost constantly in tears, and I felt bad for him. I had no idea who he was. I went to him and introduced myself. He told me he was living there, and I realized he was the one you had told me about before. After the circle, when we were all getting a bite to eat, I talked to him a little more, when he approached me. ( I talked to quite a few people at that time....not just him.) When we started to go upstairs, and he saw how uncomfortable I was with all those stairs, he came to help me. I could sense something from him already, but tried to just be polite and not encourage him any. While we were all upstairs, I spent a good bit of time away from him there, too. But....I then began to see that he was getting more upset and uncomfortable. So, I went to him to help. We broke off from the group, and out on the back deck to talk. I then asked what was wrong. He began to open up to me about how he felt about the whole "giveaway"....and that it just seemed in poor taste, for everyone to be up there, going through all her stuff, and taking things....like buzzards. He told me what Willow meant to him, and tears came to his eyes. I hugged him and told him I understood, but that he might want to just spend time thinking about it. That her things, just like her body, her car, etc., are just worldly things. They are not HER, and that she was not offended or hurt by any of this. "She's risen above all this now. She's not hurting anymore. And she will always be with you, when you need her. She would not want you to feel bad, or guilty for taking anything here. She is just sharing her energy and her gifts, and that's ok." He seemed to feel better. I then sensed he really wanted to go. So, I said...."It's late, and I really should be going. You wanna get outta here?" He brightened up and said he was hoping I'd say that, and that he'd been hanging around because he wanted to help me back down the stairs.As he was holding my hand, and all my stuff, helping me downstairs, he asked "So, I saw a ring. Are you married?" I told him I was engaged, and that he (Terry) would be moving in upstairs in a few weeks. We got to the door, he opened it, and said "So, I'll be seeing more of you, then?" I already knew he was attracted to me, but was a bit surprised he was so forward, so fast. I changed the subject. He insisted on carrying my stuff out to the road, and stood with me while I called home. Then, he asked how long it would be 'till Mom got there, and I said "Maybe 20-30 minutes." He then invited me into his house. I hesitated, but he assured me there was nothing to worry about, and I trusted him. I went in with him, sat in his living room, and we talked for another half hour. It was a wonderful experience. If I was single, I might consider going out with him, though I know it never would have gone anywhere, because we have different personalities. He's as wild as I was when I was in my late teens and early 20's. He was coming on to me BIG TIME, and so I said I needed to go, and left rather abruptly. I felt bad that I'd been a bit rude to him, and decided to call Keith, thank him for having us, and ask him to thank Mike for me, and let it go. Keith, instead said, "Well, Mike's right here. Here you go!" and handed him the phone! I was then trying to explain to Mike over the phone that it wasn't gonna happen between us....because he was NOT backing down.So.....for you to then, the very next day, without even asking to hear my side of it....just ASSUME that I was the one who wanted HIM, and that I must be some kind of needy girl who just assumes that it a guy is nice to me, that he wants me.....when you had no idea what had actually happened, HURT ME INTENSELY. I've had to do a LOT of work on myself to learn that I AM desirable, and am just now beginning to believe it. A few years ago, I would have been denying to myself that any of that had ever happened, and been re-convencing myself how undesirable I am. But, that night was a gift to me. Mike is the kind of man that I used to long for, but never thought would EVER want me. Now, I see how wrong I was, and no one can take that away from me. Not only does a man as wonderful as Terry is want to marry me.........but it's actually possible for me to meet a guy somewhere that is going to pull out all the stops and try to get me to go out with him....knowing I'm engaged! I NEVER used to think of myself as desirable. I saw my disability as a wall that no man could ever get past. Well, hell, even TIM expressed an attraction to me! I'm still far from being conceited, but I have more confidence in myself than I've had in 13 years. What also threw me was the assumption that I was going to go off and have an affair with this Mike. Not everybody does that! But, FYI....even if I did it's no-one's business but mine and Terry's. So....to have someone try to tell me this never happened, and that he was just "being nice", and doesn't want me, made me extremely angry. Yes...it must seem strange to see some man helping me around, since such consideration was never very forthcoming from you. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but you wanted me to be honest. I've known you for 7 years, and have needed to say this for a long time. It's true that people come into our lives to trigger things, so that we can learn something. The triggers that you've set off with me over the years are my deepest demons. The one that I'm *on my own* and can't ever depend on anyone to help me. (basic helplessness) And WHY? Because I'm not *worth* helping. That's why the thought of someone (a man) helping me seemed so alien to me.....and possibly to you. Another demon.... That I am *not desirable* to men, and can only get one by doing certain things or being a certain way. And another one...That I have to *sell myself* and get "some job, any job".....in order to be comfortable financially. That I'd never be able to do it, doing something I enjoy. Those are my 3 great demons, and you kept triggering all 3 of them. I'm not blaming you. This was just obviously something I needed to work through and learn from. And that's ok. Now.....my recent realizations on these 3. Just because my body won't do the same things other's bodies do doesn't make me "weak". I have a more powerful mind than many others, to compensate. Also, I DESERVE consideration from others. This is part of the way the world works. We are here to help each other. Not to leave someone wandering lost in the woods for a half hour, in the dark. I've thought about how different that last night at your place would have been, without Mike being there. I might not have made it upstairs at all, and if I had, I would have had to go beg someone to help me back down, while feeling like a bother. I talked to Mike about my feelings on this......and he said I should NEVER feel like a bother to someone else, because of my disability. This was the ONE TIME I have ever felt total warmth and caring and understanding while I've been there. I spent the last 7 years, thinking there was something wrong with ME! That I was expecting too much! That "it's a dog eat dog world" and I had to fend for myself. Mike changed everything, and even if I never talk to him again, I will be eternally grateful. He gave me two wonderful gifts in one night. He made me feel desirable (not IN SPITE of my disability, but not even seeing it as a disability). And he showed me that I was WORTHY of being helped. Now, as for how this relates to the issue of Terry renting the apartment..... I know that you'll deny this. You may not have even admitted it to yourself yet. But, for everything to be arranged, and even for Keith to spend several minutes, the night of the circle, talking about how much he appreciated this, and how much you guys needed the money.... and then "out of the blue"..... to suddenly change your minds, right after the episode, in which you had spent a good 10 minutes, berating me over the phone......... It doesn't take a psychic to see what's going on. The moment I told Terry, the FIRST words out of his mouth were... "This is because of you and that guy Mike, isn't it? She's trying to keep you away from him." This was almost word for word what Mom said, along with the half dozen or more other friends that I've told this story to. So, this is not just MY opinion. THAT is why I'm angry. Not that we can't live there, but the underlying reason behind it, that I know you're in such denial about you'll never even admit to. Now.....the ball, such as it is....is in your court. Peace be with you, and Keith. (&, of course, to Mike, whom I am so grateful to, for opening this door) Erin McRaven-Cass (Raven Wolf)
  11. Raven Wolf
    Ahhhhhh........Closure...................... Today's Email exchange with Karen. ___________________________________________________________________________________Erin,I am sorry if I have hurt you. It was never my intention. When I told you we had changed our minds about renting the apartment, I asked you not to take it personally. I did not realize all the underlying issues involved. It seems to me you have taken this situation and blown it out of proportion. Maybe that needed to happen to help us see our lessons. Again, I apologize for not seeing what you needed. How could I know?I am a realist and to some I can seem insensitive. I have a tendency to speak my truth upfront without holding back. I am not saying that is the best way to be. I am just saying that is how I am. I did not realize that you were insecure about your femininity. You have always seemed full of beauty to me. On the phone I was trying to point out, as the observer, a pattern in your life. I told you that I had had someone help me by pointing out my patterns. It helped me see and break them. I tried to convey to you that Michael is in a fragile place and battling some major issues. I am not trying to keep Michael from you. I know life and love can be very unpredictable. What and with whom you choose to be in relationship with is your choice.I am regretful you feel I trigger your demons. I am however glad that you are working thru your issues as I am too. If I am a catalyst for that, then I am honored. I too have sensed tension between us before. You have helped me see things I need to pay attention to. I do hope we can work toward a better and happier understanding of each other.I do not see you as having a disability, maybe that is why you feel I am insensitive. I have never seen you as unworthy. As I look at the things you have said to me in your emails, I see that you perceive me as not being patient with you. Have you thought that perhaps I see you as an equal and treat you that way too. I have tried to be your friend.I did not assume you and Mike might have an affair or fling. I felt emotional upset from Michael and I did observe a pattern of behavior that seemed to bring hardship. I may have overreacted. I am not perfect. I have been in an emotionally vulnerable place because of all I had been going through with Willow. I will admit it stressed me and Keith out that you called our house after 11:00 and you and Michael stayed on the phone for over an hour. This was not showing Keith and me very much consideration or respect. We had to ask him several times to please go home. He was on the porch swing which is near our bedroom window and we could hear him talking. He had been drinking all day. This was not the most pleasant way for us to complete a day that had been a beautiful closure for us with our dear friend Willow’s physical existence.This and several signs that came made us see that we were not ready for someone to move in upstairs. We concluded that we needed some time, some privacy and to complete the upstairs project. As we faced the fact that we needed to hurry and deal with all her belogings and prepare the area for Terry's arrival it seemed overwhelming. We have been through a lot of emotional upset in the last few years culminating in being caregivers to Willow. Please know I was honored to be there with and for her but it was extremely difficult to deal with her physical needs and watch her deteriorate. I helped her with her physical needs after each surgery (Dec. and March). I then was literally "on call" for her during the time she was under Hospice care both at home in the hospital and nursing home. I desire peace in my life. Keith and I need time to heal all the wounds that were created when we acknowledged our love for each other. All of this contributed to our decision. That is why I asked you not to take our decision personally.It seems to me that Keith’s and my issues (that you knew nothing about) and your issues (that we knew nothing of) led you to believe whatever you believe; that I assumed things or that I am in a place of denial or in a place of judgement. I feel you have certainly judged me. You would not even confront me about any of this until I asked you to stop beating around the bush. It seems you had already discussed it with several people other than me. In the future please address any confusion that arises between us with me. I believe this helps avoid misunderstandings and drama.Keith and I do feel badly about changing our minds. He regretted having to tell Terry as I did not enjoy having to call and tell you especially when you told me about your dog dying. All we felt was that the timing was not right for us. We had thought we were ready to move on with someone else being upstairs. We realized we were not. I especially did not want to be surrounded by an emotionally charged situation. This may have been selfish on my part but it is my home and truthfully I am not in a place of wanting to deal with others issues right now. At times it has not been easy dealing with Michael. I did not want more confusion, upset or sadness in my home. My intuition told me that I needed to put my needs first.I am being honest and sharing our process with you in hopes that you will be more understanding and not blame me (you already said you do not blame Keith). My hope is that you and Terry will be very happy and that it will be clear later that all of this and especially Terry not moving in upstairs has worked out for the best for all of us. It has been my experience that life works that way most of the time.If you’d like to talk about this further Id’ prefer we speak face to face. As I told you I do not like to beat around the bush or be tactful. That is where misunderstandings come in. I should have told you our process for determining we were not ready for anyone to be upstairs and all this might have been avoided. I am sorry it has brought a struggle for you. For me, in times of struggle, I need to have trust and faith. I was not preaching to you only offering what helps me. Trusting that all is as it should be and keeping faith that once over the hurdle bright blessings will unfold. The big picture I spoke of was Gods picture. I hope this has cleared up things. I trust you will be able to stop putting your energy into blaming me or anyone else for your life not going the way you think it should.I have spoken my truth in light and with love. HoKaren-Dancing Doe----------------------------------------------------------------------------------And now my response.....I'll be brief. I'm glad you see that it is my choice, as you stated. Thank you for your apology. I'm glad I've helped you see things you need to pay attention to. You "don't see me as having a disability". Therein lies the problem. How many times do I have to repeat myself? My mother had to go through 13 years, dealing with teachers who refused to see me as having a disability, and she got so freaking tired of having to repeat the fact that I have O.I. (if you'd like, I'll send you a link to a site about O.I. It may be helpful, if you run into a child in school with the same thing I have) But....again....back to the statement...you don't see me as having a disability. What do I have to do...? Get my mom to write me a note? Or get a doctor's excuse? Not only do I have OI, but I was in a freaking car wreck! It's not an EXCUSE. It is a FACT. Have you noticed I walk with a cane? It is NOT a fashion statement! Remember that I have no depth perception when I look down, like going down stairs? I could go on and on.....but I think we need to discuss this in person, as you stated. If you had a problem with Mike being on the phone for that long, when you needed to go to bed, I hope you told him that, like you did me. I tried to get him to go about 2 dozen times, saying that he needed to leave you two alone, and he said it was ok. Contrary to popular belief, (joke) I am not a mind reader. Since you just stated that "this and several signs that came made us see that we were not ready for someone to move in upstairs", you are admitting what I already knew....that the issue with Mike and myself was the catalyst that made you change your minds. I appreciate you admitting that. I do not BLAME YOU, or anyone else for things not going my way!I simply expect....no, demand someone to treat me with consideration and respect, and, since you expect this yourself, to be honest about an issue, rather than having it take this much to get to the root of the issue. Again, I think it will be beneficial to us both to discuss this in person. As I see it, if you spent that much time, caring for Willow, why can you not show me the same consideration? Do I have to be in a wheelchair, or something worse to gain that kind of respect? Perhaps that, and this with me...should be a sign to you that this is an issue that you might want to look at. Terry will be here soon....in about a week and a half. Perhaps we can set up a time to get together, sit down and talk. It's up to you. Erin
  12. Raven Wolf

    I'm writing a movie plot here in my blog. It will not be "Millennium-themed". It will be a totaly made up romantic movie, loosly inspired by some past experiences in my life.If I get it done, and get up the nerve, I'll open it up so others can read it here.
  13. Raven Wolf

    October 30th, 1992 She hurried down the front steps of her house to her waiting burgandy 1988 Ford Escort. Shaking off the cold, and throwing purse and books in the back seat, on top of John's blue and white rain coat, she waitied for the car to warm up a little, and warmed her hands in front of the heater. Checking the time, she put the car in drive, and looped around the half-moon driveway to the road, and stoped, waiting for the early morning traffic to die down so she could turn right. She pulled out of her driveway, and a few hundered feet up the road, turned right again, up one of the back roads she took each day on her way to college. About a half-mile later, and one more turn to the right, she finaly took the time to light a cigarrette, and settled back for the drive, which would last quite a few more miles. She passed her church on the right, followed by Jim Kent's trailer, her "boyfriend". Though, for the last few months, they hadn't seen much of each other. She felt she needed to make some changes in her life. Nothing seemed to make sense. She'd been going through the motions for so long in her life, doing what everyone expected of her. She had the "nice guy" boyfriend, whom everyone was convenced that, once she'd gotton out of college, she'd marry. Then there was college, studying a subject that had lost it's pull in her heart, if it ever had one. Up until a few weeks ago, she'd felt trapped on a runaway train, no going back. But, after being haunted for years with premonitions of her own death, and then the "reading" she got from her ex-lover Nicholas, who'd tried to assure her that she wouldn't die, but that she'd come back from the dead, she had told Jim she needed some time to herself. The relationship wasn't working and she knew it. Certainly not after she'd met John, the owner of the rain jacket in the back of her car. She put out the last smoldering butt of her cigarrette, and flicked it out the slightly cracked window. That caused her to take notice of someone in her rearview mirror. A large, white truck, which came up out of no where, and was catching up to her at a high rate of speed. She turned down the tape in her tape deck, and kept an eye on the guy who'd suddenly taken up residence on her back-bumper. It was a narrow-winding road, and any speed much over 40 was realy not a good idea, but she uped it to about 50. This was still not enough for her new traveling companion, so, when she saw the 4 way stop comming up ahead, she slowed down, turned on a blinker, and pulled over at the stop sign, giving the guy plenty of room to go around her. There was no one else on these back roads, which was why she chose them. The imposing white pick-up went around her as she expected, but then pulled slightly over and locked down on the brakes, stopping dead in the road. Nothing could prepare her for what came next."You God Damn bitch! Who the f*** taught you how to drive, anyway?" The middle aged man had gotton out of his truck, and was approaching her car. In a blind panic, she swirved around him, through the 4-way, and kept going as fast as the car could go the rest of the way.She sat through her first 2 classes in a daze, not realy taking in anything that the teachers were saying. At lunch time, she entered the smoke filled game room in the student center, where John Gray was already playing pool, cigarrette in hand. (He looked like a 20-something version of that guy who was the love interest on Dr. Quin, Medicine Woman, with the same waist length curly sandy blonde hair, half grown beard, and bright blue eyes.) "Hey babe!" He shouted a greeting to her. She went to him and hugged him, which was not an easy task, as he was a good foot taller than her. "Baby, what's wrong?""I'm just having a Monday on a Friday, that's all." She proceeded to tell him what had happened, which increased the sound of worry in his voice."Do you have any idea who he was? Have you ever seen him before?" Since he was studying Criminal Justice, this brought out the investigater in him, as well as his strong, protective instinct. She assured him she'd never seen him before, and he must have turned off somewhere, since he never caught up to her."I still don't like this. Want me to take you home after school?""What about my car? And what about the fact that mom doesn't know you exist?""I don't know. We could just say your car overheated again or something. I don't want to leave you alone.""John, I'm probably just over-reacting. It was just some crazy drunk on a Friday. Guess he was getting a head start on his drinking and driving or something.""Well, at least let me pick you up on Monday. The odds are even better that you'll run into him on the same road at the same time of day Monday than this afternoon anyway." He grined. "It's been a long time since I got to beat the shit outta somebody!"She laughed."Erin, I'm serious. I don't want anything to happen to you. Remember those premonitions you were telling me you'd been having? Maybe this is why! I love you and I don't wanna lose you." He sat down and pulled her into his lap.She looked at him and smiled. "I love you too. But, what if it's fate? I can't keep looking around the corner at every little thing the rest of my life. I can't live like that, and I wouldn't ask you too, either." The trip home was uneventfull, and that evening, the phone rang. It was Jim, whom she hadn't heard from in a while. She tried to just play it cool."Hi, Jim. What's up?""The church is having a get together tomarrow, for Halloween. Would you like to come?""A "church-approved" Halloween? Wow. There's a party!"After a few more minutes, he talked her into attending, and she told him what had happened that morning."What did you do to provoke that? Did you give him the finger or something?""Jim, why is it, when I tell you something like this, you're always accusing me of somehow "bringing it on myself"? You've always gotta blame me somehow. Why can't you just be supportive?""Well, that's just like something you'd do.""Oh, just forget it. I'll come to the stupid thing Saturday. Happy?"October 31st, 1992 HalloweenThat was the last she talked to him untill the next evening. They decided to meet over at another church member's house for a Christian themed Haloween party. She told several other people of what had happened Friday morning, and one guy suddenly suggested she buy a hand gun, for protection. Jim, as expected, strongly disapproved. November 1st, 1992, SundayShe felt she was in a kind of surreal moment, that imprinted itself on her brain as she stood at the front of her Church Sunday afternoon, a slick, new handgun in her hand. "I'm shopping for a gun at a church. There's gotta be something about that in the 10 commandments, somewhere," she thought to herself. It felt cool and heavy for it's size in her hand."How are you even gonna know how to fire that?" Jim asked from behind her."Nicholas taught me how to shoot, remember?" He remembered, and walked off to talk to someone else."How much for this one?" She asked."$40."She frowned, thinking. "I don't have $40 right now. Can you hold it for me 'till I get the money?" The man agreed.November 2nd, 1992 (Monday)The clock radio split open the morning, jolting her out of bed, and into the shower. She stood naked before her closet, when this sudden strange feeling came over her, and she wished she'd taken up John on his offer to pick her up. She closed her eyes for a moment, and then decided she was going to beat this thing, and then go off with John after their last class for drinks, to celibrate. She picked her favorite sweater, with its stylized roses, matching slacks, and neon pink sweade ankle high boots. Suddenly, she thought, "I'd better leave early, and maybe I can avoid that guy." This suddenly felt like the end of the road. This day. She felt sure of it. If she could make it through this day, to hell with the "good girl" image she'd tried to portray to get her mother and others to not think badly of her. She was going to start to LIVE. She'd move in with John, agree to meet his band, and start a new chapter in her life. This was it. This was the day. Either she'd live or she'd die. She paused by her dresser. Jim's class ring. Her Mom would wonder what was wrong if she wasn't wearing it. She grabbed it up and slid it on her index finger and walked into the kitchen."Ta-da!" She held her hands out, as if presenting a suprise to the world."Nice!" Her mom said. "That goes well together. Aren't you going to get something to eat?""Not time. Gotta go."She rushed outside to her car, wishing she had John's coat on, which still resided on the back seat of her car. The bitter cold mist made her cold to her bones. She cranked the car, and thought for a second. If she turned left instead of right, and took 52 down to Old Cornelia hwy, rather than the back road she usualy took, which had less trafic, maybe she could elminate the last chance of a repeat of Friday's events.She turned left, and pushed her speed as much as she could, considering the rain and not wanting a ticket. About 10 miles later, she turned left on Old Cornelia hwy. and hoped for the best. As she passed where her back road intersected the road she was on, she popped the Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under the Bridge" into her tape player.Sometimes I feel Like I don't have a partner Sometimes I feel Like my only friend Is the city I live in The city of angels Lonely as I am Together we cry I drive on her streets 'Cause she's my companion I walk through her hills 'Cause she knows who I am She sees my good deeds And she kisses me windy I never worry Now that is a lie I don't ever want to feel Like I did that day Take me to the place I love Take me all the way It's hard to believe That there's nobody out there It's hard to believe That I'm all alone At least I have her love The city she loves me Lonely as I am Together we cry I don't ever want to feel Like I did that day Take me to the place I love Take me all that way Under the bridge downtown Is where I drew some blood Under the bridge downtown I could not get enough Under the bridge downtown Forgot about my love Under the bridge downtown I gave my life awayShe looked up, and for a moment, thought she was loosing her mind. The white Chevrolet pick up truck from the Friday before was gaining ground on her...fast. It was now or never. "John, I'm coming to you," she whispered as she put the gas peddle to the floor. She hoped that her little car could take the sharp curves in the rain better than the huge extended cab pick-up of her pursuer. Up ahead was a gas station. Perhaps she could stop there and get someone to call the cops. Suddenly, inspiration hit, as the truck gained on her little by little, she slowed slightly as she approached the gas station, and turned on her turn signal, glancing in her rearviewmirror as she popped another tape into her tape player.J. Bon Jovi I wake up in the morning And I raise my weary head I've got an old coat for a pillow And the earth was last night's bed I don't know where I'm going Only God knows where I've been I'm a devil on the run A six gun lover A candle in the wind When you're brought into this world They say you're born in sin Well at least they gave me something I didn't have to steal or have to win Well they tell me that I'm wanted Yeah, I'm a wanted man I'm a colt in your stable I'm what Cain was to Abel Mister catch me if you can I'm going out in a blaze of glory Take me now but know the truth I'm going out in a blaze of glory Lord I never drew first But I drew first blood I'm no one's son Call me young gun You ask about my conscience And I offer you my soul You ask if I'll grow to be a wise man Well I ask if I'll grow old You ask me if I've known love And what it's like to sing songs in the rain Well, I've seen love come And I've seen it shot down I've seen it die in vain Shot down in a blaze of glory Take me now but know the truth 'Cause I'm going down in a blaze of glory Lord I never drew first But I drew first blood I'm the devil's son Call me young gun Solo Each night I go to bed I pray the Lord my soul to keep No I ain't looking for forgiveness But before I'm six foot deep Lord, I got to ask a favor And hope you'll understand 'Cause I've lived life to the fullest Let this boy die like a man Staring down a bullet Let me make my final stand Shot down in a blaze of glory Take me now but know the truth I'm going out in a blaze of glory Lord I never drew first But I drew first blood And I'm no one's son Call me young gun I'm a young gun As the song played, she was speeding in the run for her life, having temporairaly tricked the man following her into thinking she was turning. She looked down at the spedomitor, and noted that the it only red up to 80 mph, and the needle was unable to go any farther to show how fast she was actualy going. She flicked the cigarrete out the window into the blowing rain, so that she had both hands for the wheel. She glanced behind her, and saw the truck again hot on her tail, but now she'd finaly reached the Golden Pantry she saw as her safe haven. Inspiration hit her again, as a sort of out-of-body experience overwhelmed her. This was quite definatly the end of the road. Whether she lived or she died, nothing would ever be the same. As she pulled into the parking lot, she felt she needed to leave a message to the world, and changed tapes to her November Rain tape, which she'd always felt was somehow "her song". She hit the brakes in the parking lot, glancing toward the inside of the gas station where she'd baught most of her cigarretes. She'd gotton to know the woman inside, at least well enough for her to not think she was nuts, and she knew there was a phone right there where she could dial 911. As she touched the key to turn off the car, she glanced one more time in her rear-view mirror and saw that the strange man had already caught up to her. There might not be time to make it inside after all. He sped into the parking lot and to her left side, exiting the car as he had before, and began screaming at her again. She didn't hear what he said. All that got her attention was his right hand, reaching inside his coat. One word entered her mind. "GUN." As her Guns & Roses tape blaired, she whiped the car in reverse.When I look into your eyes I can see a love restrained But darlin' when I hold you Don't you know I feel the same 'Cause nothin' lasts forever And we both know hearts can change And it's hard to hold a candle In the cold November rain We've been through this such a long long time Just tryin' to kill the pain But lovers always come and lovers always go An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today Walking away If we could take the time to lay it on the line I could rest my head Just knowin' that you were mine All mine So if you want to love me then darlin' don't refrain Or I'll just end up walkin' In the cold November rain Do you need some time...on your own Do you need some time...all alone Everybody needs some time...on their own Don't you know you need some time...all alone I know it's hard to keep an open heart When even friends seem out to harm you But if you could heal a broken heart Wouldn't time be out to charm you Sometimes I need some time...on my own Sometimes I need some time...all alone Everybody needs some time...on their own Don't you know you need some time...all alone And when your fears subside And shadows still remain I know that you can love me When there's no one left to blame So never mind the darkness We still can find a way 'Cause nothin' lasts forever Even cold November rain Don't ya think that you need somebody Don't ya think that you need someone Everybody needs somebody You're not the only one You're not the only one She screached the car in reverse through the parking lot, as the song she'd sung to her beloved John blasted through her speakers. For a moment, she wondered why she was staging this like a movie. "Because it is. And this one may not have a happy ending." She stopped on the hill/driveway, and cursed the black truck which was parked on the side of the road, with a "For Sale" sign in the windshield, making it impossible to see to her left. It was clear to the right, but what about the left. She strained to sit higher in her seat, as the rain blew in the slightly cracked window where she'd flicked out her cigarrette a while earlier. She glanced in the rearview mirror once more, and saw the white truck was ripping out after her. It's strange how sometimes, time seems to stand still and things happen in the blink of an eye that you'd never expect to happen at all. In these moments, lives are won or lost. In that split second, she knew she had to go. She'd either die staying, or perhaps going. Either way. This was the end. An image of Kevin Costner in Dances With Wolves came to her mind, as he road his horse off the end of a cliff, rather than stay and get shot in the back. She floarboared the car. And remembered nothing else. A truck exactly like the one which had been following her struck her in the driver's door, spinning the car around and taking out a mailbox on the other side of the road.The November Rain continued to fall.....
  14. Raven Wolf

    Terry is on the road by now, driving here all the way from Pennsylvania. He'll be here by tomarrow afternoon. We'll be leaving Sunday, so I probably won't be able to check the board untill Monday.... But I'll still check in... even though I'm on "vacation" with him for TWO WEEKS! :swingin': I can't wait to see him again... plus I just really need to get out of here for a while. I'm so immerced (sp?) in the disfunction of this so-called "family" that I loose who I am. At least with Terry I can relax..........
  15. Raven Wolf
    It's after 2 in the morning.... I'm on the phone with Terry and wandering through TIWWA... And wondering how I got so totaly *BLEEPED* in the head. I drift from idea to idea.... unable to actualy focus on one thing that I realy want to do. I've been like this all my life. I have this feeling that I have some kind of creative talent...something I could do. But, everything I start to do I feel like such a pathectic looser at. A poser. I've dabled in a few things that I realy would love to do...., but I always just end up feeling stupid. I got to sing live on the radio once, which was one of the best moments of my life, but I don't think I have what it takes to be a professional singer-songwriter. Now there's this Millennium-Appocolypse progect, and I'm finaly getting to use my interest/talents for writing, acting, and even photography, but then I think of how inexperienced I am, and it just seems so much like wishful thinking...a childish dream. I realize that the reality of such a career is a great deal more difficult than what I think it is. In such a commercial, professional world, there's not much room for entrepreneurs anymore.
  16. Raven Wolf

    I wanted to respond to this post, but could not find any "Add Reply" link.It's a pitty we live so far apart. I have an interest in photographic art, myself. I've taken a few pretty interesting ones, as well as some kinda cool vidio footage of a HUGE flock of swifts that took up residence in my chimeny last fall for a few weeks. When they were flying together in a huge mass, they looked like bats!Also....Not intending to sound conceeted or anything....(most who know me would laugh at the thought!) but I have been told I'm rather photogenic I once tried out at a modeling-recruting thing....just for fun....and the main thing I had against me was I was too short. (5' 2") So, if you're ever in Georgia....I'll volunteer as your victom! LOL What do you say....lol
  17. Raven Wolf

    OMG! I'm so freaking addicted to this site it's scary! I hardly knew what to do yesterday when the site was down. I guess this shows that I'm truly addicted. Not just to the show, but to this community."Feels like home."I'm realy excited about the new boards that Graham let me put up here. I hope they do well. It's kinda like baring my soul to everyone here. Showing what it is that realy draws me in about this show. I've felt a bit embarrased about this for a while, and so deciding to broadcast it all through message boards was, I admit, a little daring, since I'm risking the ridicule of a lot of people who's openions I respect.Here's hoping I don't scare people or make an ass outta myself!
  18. Raven Wolf

    As darkness falls....Silent screams ring out a-gain.Hope fades from the soul...In our heart of darkness again.Darkness calls - once again~As lightning crashes....Silence fades a-way a-gaim.Evil has many faces...Hope just one.~Raven WolfSong sung to the melody of the opening and closing credits themes.
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