Search the Community

Serj Tankian Empty Walls lyrics

A few strange events in the last week have me wanting to take advantage of creative opportunities, and grow more in whatever abilities it is that I have.........even if I don't even know they are there yet. This blog is one such gift/tool that I feel isn't being used to its highest potential. (neither is the rest of me) I've wandered for so long in my life..... always hoping for some divine inspiration to show me the way. This may be in relationships, in careers, or even just what to make for dinner tonight! I've found no burning bushes and am asking members here to help me set a few fires. This blog has been a sort of rarely used Journal. I pop in and throw in some artsy pics of my car, or a random bit I wish I could make into a movie, or I bitch about my mother, and that's pretty much the end of it. I don't just want to cut and paste Paranormal news stories. Southern Celt's pretty much got that covered! (and he's damn good at it!) Any thoughts?

Warning---foul language. I'm sorry for the bitchiness, & declare that TIWWA holds no responsibility for the pissed-off tone to this entry. This is personal bull-shit, and has nothing to do with any members here. My life is f**ked up. That's the long & the short of it. Damned if I do, & damned if I don't. You'd think I'd learn...but nooooo.... I just got out of therapy for the day, & after recounting the latest way that my mother ruined a perfectly good day, dragging me into looking at houses for her, making phone calls for her, setting up appointments, taking her there, etc to my therapist, he advised me to start limiting my interaction time with her. Wow.... I just wish I knew ahead of time which version of mom I'm dealing with, so I'd know what days to just not call. Sunday--- I'd planned to spend the day, looking at rental homes for Terry & I, but ended up taking mom (Terry in tow) to see a house she had asked me to call about. I was in a perfectly good mood, which soon faded after a couple of arguments about my driving. (she's always been critical of my driving. I'm either too fast or too slow. nothing is ever good enough.) Then, after seeing the house, & despite being a bit pissed off, I offered to take her to an antique store I knew she'd been wanting to go to. Things seemed to go quite well, and her mood improved along with mine. Then, as we were leaving, she made a comment to Terry that he told me about later. She said to Terry "We'll get home faster if you drive." Funny, considering she's about the slowest driver I know. So, basically, she found about 10 ways to hurt my feelings in one day, all without even being aware of it. Now, today.... I call her up, to tell her something funny. A woman she knows online has a house we didn't know she had, and I just happened to bump into her ad where she has it up for sale. I just thought it was a funny coincidence, but that short, simple conversation began to melt down into a drama scene of blame, inflicted on me for somehow "not doing enough" to help her get moved out of the house she's in. She has it in her head that she's going to sell her place, buy something with more land, and 2 homes, AND build an earth sheltered home for her, while living in one of the houses, with me and Terry in the other....(probably a mobile home) and then move into the better house when she gets her earth sheltered house. Does anyone else see how manipulative this plan is???? It seems to state that Terry & I cannot take care of ourselves, or ever have a decent home of our own, without her help. She's determined to have us living on the same property with her. WHY? Because we all get along so well???? (thick sarcasm) After a lifetime of brainwashing ME into believing I can't take care of myself....by overprotecting me so strongly that I never played like I wanted to, only rode my OWN horse ONCE, and did not get my driver's license till I was 18 and had to get a boyfriend to teach me to drive.... (here in the US, you can drive when you are 16)...she now wants to have that control over me AND Terry!!! Is it any wonder I'm 34 years old and have never accomplished anything??? THEN, as if that wasn't bad enough...she kept going on and on about how crazy she was going, having to do it all herself, and stating that I just didn't understand. I said "I do. There's just nothing that I can do about it." She yelled "Yes, there is!" I said "What? Do you want me to come over and paint your house for you?" She says No, but then starts brining up some of the old crap of mine that's still there that she's having to push around. I said "You know, at the point I'm at in my life, I'm temped to just tell you to chuck it all. I've got too much else going on to deal with storing old baggage. It just needs to go." That didn't help. She just got more and more angry and out of control until I just got off the phone. Is it any wonder I'm in therapy?

I had thought of making something like this before, just for the fun of it, but after watching a small commercial about "Mind Movies" and the power of intention, where the host was trying to sell a package for almost 30 bucks to walk you through doing what I'd already thought of doing.....just for fun....a long time ago, I've decided to go through with my plan. This was actually going to be my entry into the 10-13 Idol contest I've started. I have posted that one little quick video I made with the music I had my friend make for the Millennium, Appocolypse movie that never got used. So, now I think I'll make my own little cool, upbeat video that'll help keep me on track, and encouraged, and be a small tribute to 1013 at the same time! So, in order to remember what I'm going to be gathering..... here's a list. Images from Millennium and The X Files. Quotes from Millennium and The X Files. Images and inspirational quotes from some of my favorite Infiniti commercials. (trust me, there are some really good ones!) Pictures I gather of things that I want to draw into my life, as well as things I already have that are past achievements....like Terry, my dogs, horses, etc. More to come!

Tonight, I just watched several 3rd season Millennium episodes, including The Innocents and Seven & One. I feel like there's something inside me, ready to burst.... Or just that it's been in me so long it's outgrown its environment. I don't know if there's really something to all of this, or if it's all in my head. Either way, it's slowly eating away at me. I don't know what led to it, but Mom and I started talking about Laury's death this past week. She pointed out the fact that she didn't think I'd reacted "normally". That I never got angry, raged, cried or anything. I reminded her I fell apart when we saw the report on the news... (by the way, I now know why they make sure family has been notified before airing the names of someone who's the victim of a crime on the TV. Since I wasn't 'family', I was not spared this).... All she said was that I'd started screaming "I KNEW IT! I KNEW HE'D DO THIS! I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM! I'LL KILL HIM, I'LL KILL HIM, I'LL KILL HIM...'' and that it was then, that they got to that part of the report, stating that Calvin had shot himself to death. Mom said.... "He's already dead.".... and something inside of me shut down. I had known what he was going to do. I'd sensed it, months before, and had tried to warn her. Now, what felt like the only way I had to make things right.... which was hunt him down myself and kill him....even that had been taken away. My next memory was hours later, sitting outside with the dogs.... There seemed no point in anything. How does one just go through a regular spring evening, going through the exact same motions through the day.... Feeding the horses, walking the dogs, watering the flowers... (trying to "keep the peace" with my parents the way I had my whole life, with acts of placating and dodging guilt).... after something like this? That night, I sat upright in my bed.... unable to sleep, staring into space, and I saw a light on the left side of the room. I told myself I'd imagined the whole thing. It was a large, milky white cloud, but I just kept telling myself I'd made it up in my head. I remember Mom asking me didn't I want to talk. All I could think was... "What is there to say? She's dead." In talking about this the other day, she said for the millionth time that this had affected me, and that I should express it. I shot back... "It isn't ABOUT me!" Which is the same thing I've said to two therapists, several friends, and her more than once. "This isn't ABOUT me!" Now... 7 years and 3 months later.... Why am I still here? What's the point of anything anymore? I've clung to something she said about Millennium.... about my journey and Frank's being the same. About ME being the same as Frank. But, did I make it all up in my head? If I was as "gifted" as everyone thinks, wouldn't I have been able to save her? Wouldn't I have been able to save a LOT of people? I've been a lost cause all my life.... and yet I'm still here. I think God forgot to pick me up when it was my time.

It is time for a makeover. My hair, my clothes, my body, my LIFE. Something in me died a few years ago, and I have to get it back, or else life is not worth living anymore. I've been told I'm in a prolonged state of shock.... Most likely brought on by #1 Wendell, and his absue from 1996 to 1998. #2 Laury's death in 2000. #3 My own car wreck, in 1992. and #4 A lifetime in a toxic environment, where I had to 'grow up' far faster than I should have. I don't think just ONE of these things got me to the state I'm in. I think it took each of them, and a lot of time, to wear me down. I've gotten to the point where I have trouble making even the smallest of decisions. I'm afraid to express any opinion. It's almost like I'm disconnected from my life! I'm going to have to do some major...and I do mean MAJOR things to shake things loose. A change in hairstyle, wardrobe, dayly habits, food, everything.... to try to dislodge me from the pain that has me stuck, like a ship hung on a rock. I can feel this blockage in my gut. It's like a physical pain deep inside that I've learned to ignore most of the time, but whenever it's time to do something new, different, desirable, passionate, authentic...then this pain comes back like a brick in my gut. It's almost like I have an anger, a rage, deep sorrow and pain that I don't even know is THERE! At times, I feel the rage beneath the surface, but I don't know what I have to be mad about, so I suppress it. The same goes for when I feel tears come to my eyes for no apparent reason. It's like there is a demon within me that must be exorcised in order for me to live. I'm going to keep coming back with different posts here. Ideas on new hairstyles, (as silly as that seems) Also, thoughts on how to get closure for some of the deepest wounds in me. (I've forced myself to let go of the pain of what Wendell did to me, but it still lurks beneath the surface, and I did not even realize how much of a hold he still has on my life until a few days ago. ) Even finding a way to go swim in a pool or pond, and ride a horse. Something to get me alive again. Right now, I am in a living death, deep inside. I'm grateful and blessed for the part Terry plays in my life, but that will not be able to prosper if I don't work on what's wrong with me.

I watched a DVD of the movie "Seabiscut" tonight.... Words cannot express what learning things I never knew about one of the greatest racehorses who ever lived and his jocky did to me. This horse was manipulated by his first owner and forced to be a looser, because they did not like his attitude, and wanted to use him to teach others to win. He was held back for the first few years of his life. His rider was a guy who'd gotten the short end of the stick his whole life, since this was during the time of the stock market crash. Also, according to the movie, he had lost the sight in one of his eyes, due to a head injury he got while boxing to try to make a little money. The two came together, battered, broken, angry....and healed each other. They begain to win.... and just before the biggest race of their career, the man was injured while on another horse. His leg was broken, and he was told he'd never ride again. The owners temp. hired another rider, just to fill in, and he won. A few races later, Seabiscut injured his leg as well. He was almost "put down" right then, but the owners wanted to give him a chance to live...even if he never raced again. After months, horse and rider healed each other, and a "lame" horse, ridden by a half-blind man with a broken (still was healing) leg, went on to win one of the biggest races in professional Thouroughbred racing. Most of you don't know this.... but I have a "gift" with horses. When I was a teenager, I planned to try to become the first female trainer and rider in history to win the Triple Crown. Well, I may not do that.... but if a half blind man can do what he did, with a broken leg, on the back of a "lame" horse who'd been "trained to loose" all his life.............. Then what can a Half-blind woman, with a "bumb" leg, who's ALSO been "Trained to Loose" all her life do??? There's things I want to do before I die.... I want to ride a horse again, like I did when I was younger...Maybe even get back to training, the way I was teaching myself to do, all those years ago................. I want to use my talents as an intuitive and my passion for the paranormal/metaphysical, and make a difference... working on violent crimes........... and making paranormal discoveries. I want to enrich the world with my art.... My screenplay writing/song writing/ and my singing. I want to blaze my way through this life, and never be unhappy, fearfull, or controlled by guilt ever again.

I am tired. I am tired of being alone....yet never alone. Of being helpless to move forward with my life, abandoned like a bad habit..........Yet constantly clung to, like the same bad habit, with a stranglehold of dependence and a need to control. Yep, that's it. I feel like a f***ing cigarette (damn....I actually DO feel like a cigarette! Pitty I can't smoke anymore) Yeah.... A used, tired old cigarette.....sucked dry, 'till there's nothing left of the soul inside. All smoked out and spread to the wind. Depended on completely for support, yet blamed for all that is wrong in the lives of the users. Expected to be the answer to every question, and then snuffed out when I fail to satisfy the emptiness inside. Tossed into a muddy ditch, or a scorching sidewalk, and ground into the dirt by the bootheals of my abuser. My Soul Is Tired.....

Terry is on the road by now, driving here all the way from Pennsylvania. He'll be here by tomarrow afternoon. We'll be leaving Sunday, so I probably won't be able to check the board untill Monday.... But I'll still check in... even though I'm on "vacation" with him for TWO WEEKS! I can't wait to see him again... plus I just really need to get out of here for a while. I'm so immerced (sp?) in the disfunction of this so-called "family" that I loose who I am. At least with Terry I can relax..........

It's after 2 in the morning.... I'm on the phone with Terry and wandering through TIWWA... And wondering how I got so totaly *BLEEPED* in the head. I drift from idea to idea.... unable to actualy focus on one thing that I realy want to do. I've been like this all my life. I have this feeling that I have some kind of creative talent... something I could do. But, everything I start to do I feel like such a pathectic looser at. A poser. I've dabled in a few things that I realy would love to do...., but I always just end up feeling stupid. I got to sing live on the radio once, which was one of the best moments of my life, but I don't think I have what it takes to be a professional singer-songwriter. Now there's this Millennium-Apocalypse project, and I'm finaly getting to use my interest/talents for writing, acting, and even photography, but then I think of how inexperienced I am, and it just seems so much like wishful thinking...a childish dream. I realize that the reality of such a career is a great deal more difficult than what I think it is. In such a commercial, professional world, there's not much room for entrepreneurs anymore.

OMG! I'm so freaking addicted to this site it's scary! I hardly knew what to do yesterday when the site was down. I guess this shows that I'm truly addicted. Not just to the show, but to this community."Feels like home."I'm realy excited about the new boards that Graham let me put up here. I hope they do well. It's kinda like baring my soul to everyone here. Showing what it is that realy draws me in about this show. I've felt a bit embarrased about this for a while, and so deciding to broadcast it all through message boards was, I admit, a little daring, since I'm risking the ridicule of a lot of people who's openions I respect.Here's hoping I don't scare people or make an ass outta myself!