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In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England,

and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated,

and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of

every living thing, along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the Microstation CAD drawings and specifications, saying

unto him, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the

unending rain, which will last for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his

yard, but He could see no Ark.

Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed

Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the

need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained

planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because of the

development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary

structure.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then

the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs

of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the

passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to

us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another

problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them, and we live in

a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the Red-backed shrike. I

tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save

the shrikes, but they insisted that my actions were not in accord with

English Natures Biodiversity Action Plan, so no go! Getting it paid for is a

nightmare. I thought there was money, but then the government said they

had slipped my slippage to cover their overspend, but if I could show I had

spent it I could have it, but as I didn't have an output, I couldn't

have spent it .. Lord. When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued

me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and that it was cruel and

inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space. Then the

County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I

couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact

study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with

the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many people of Black and Minority

Ethnic Origin I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades

unions say I can't use my sons.

They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited

workers with Ark-building experience. I'm only allowed to use people

who are 'hard to reach' and they're hard to find, and then they're not

qualified. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise have seized all my assets,

claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So,

forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish

this Ark, and that's without snagging, overruns and delivery reviews by all

stakeholder parties!"

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow

stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're

not going to destroy the world, Lord?"

"No." said the Lord. "The Government has beaten me to it."

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In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England,

and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated,

and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of

every living thing, along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the Microstation CAD drawings and specifications, saying

unto him, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the

unending rain, which will last for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his

yard, but He could see no Ark.

Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed

Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the

need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained

planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because of the

development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary

structure.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then

the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs

of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the

passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to

us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another

problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them, and we live in

a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the Red-backed shrike. I

tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save

the shrikes, but they insisted that my actions were not in accord with

English Natures Biodiversity Action Plan, so no go! Getting it paid for is a

nightmare. I thought there was money, but then the government said they

had slipped my slippage to cover their overspend, but if I could show I had

spent it I could have it, but as I didn't have an output, I couldn't

have spent it .. Lord. When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued

me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and that it was cruel and

inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space. Then the

County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I

couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact

study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with

the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many people of Black and Minority

Ethnic Origin I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades

unions say I can't use my sons.

They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited

workers with Ark-building experience. I'm only allowed to use people

who are 'hard to reach' and they're hard to find, and then they're not

qualified. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise have seized all my assets,

claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So,

forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish

this Ark, and that's without snagging, overruns and delivery reviews by all

stakeholder parties!"

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow

stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're

not going to destroy the world, Lord?"

"No." said the Lord. "The Government has beaten me to it."

Nice! :smokin:

Previously on Farscape

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Guest SouthernCelt
:yes: I suppose every "civilized" and "modern" country has similar bureaucratic red tape. I've read a similar scenario set in the US and it's just as bad. Maybe that's why God said not water but fire next time.
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  • Elders (Admins)

LOL! You're as depressed as me! Anyway, God couldn't afford my water rates - fire would be best all around.

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  • Need help? For technical related issues, please use our Support Forum.
  • To report spam or inappropriate content, please use the Report option which flags all community Elders and autohides the content if multiple reports are received before site staff can respond directly.
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That was really good....and soooooooooooo very very true.

(makes me wish I could cut/paste the thing Terry read out to me from a site about how the greatest inventors of history never would have gotten anywhere these days, because they never got that little piece of paper that says they are allowed to do what they do)

LOL! You're as depressed as me! Anyway, God couldn't afford my water rates - fire would be best all around.

Not here... :nope: Here, God would have to apply in advance for an "outdoor burn" permit. And pay for that as well... :devil:

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  • Elders (Admins)
:signlol:
  • Thank you for not contributing to the spread of fake or inaccurate content, speculation or false information especially in relation to current worldwide health events.
  • Need help? For technical related issues, please use our Support Forum.
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