Jump to content

A plea for help


Recommended Posts

I've mentioned some of the rather unfortunite incodents that ended in me loosing my home, and subsiquently being back in with my parents, and (thankfully) back here at TIWWA.

The thing is...... Things are far worse than I've let on. I'm sorry for sharing personal tragedies online, but the people here are some of my most trusted friends, and this is now a cry of desperation in the dark.

Yes, we were foreclosed on earlier this year.....Yes, I tried to save the house, by making phone calls to the REO department, and it seemed I was having some success, when Terry got himself arrested for a traffic violation, which cosed him to loose his job, and I had to give up on trying to save the house. We started moving back in, in early April. Some of you know about my close friend Chris, who's the one who taught me to paint, who'd also been living with us since 2008. Well, Chris managed to piss off my mother (NOT hard to do), and in less than a week, she demanded that he get out. He had nowhere to go, and has been homeless in the city of Athens, Georgia since April 13th. He's already been arrested for being homeless once. They can call it "criminal trespass" all they want, but to arrest a guy for sleeping in a tree behind a library is STILL arresting someone for being homeless. This is killing both of us. And, all my mother can do is scream obsenities at me if Chris is brought up in any context, and act like nothing is wrong the rest of the time. By the way..... She never wanted me to have that house to begin with, and had been trying to get me to move out and move back in with her from the beginning. She is a co-dependant nightmare. (sorry for being so graphic, but I probably should be in theropy) She threw a fit yesterday, when I let her know I was going to Athens to take him some more of his clothes in a new backpack (someone ransaked his hideout and stole what little he had), and take him to dinner and to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4. She swears to me that Chris is dangerous, and that he's lieing about being in a tree, and is just trying to evoke sympothy, and he'll end up killing us all! Now....some of you may know that I'm a fairly good "armchair profiler". Chris is a danger to no one. In fact, our relationship is a bit more deep than I really think I should be sharing here, as I've already shared too much.

Chris is an artist, and a writer. I've talked about you guys so much (he really likes Millennium, and had never seen it before meeting me), that he asked me to see if anyone here had any kind of connections to book publishing. He showed me a general outline for a book he's working on, and I swear it's the best thing he's ever written. We're desperate for a way to earn money. Terry's been out of work since near the end of 2009. (steady work. he had a job that lasted a few days before getting arrested, so he's only worked a tiny bit in almost a year and a half.) Our relationship has been turbulent for years. I can't GET a job, and have applied for disability. (but as many of you know, that takes years) Chris keeps applying at restarant after restarant (he's a cook), but who's gonna hire a homeless guy?

I hate to bring my troubles here. Yet, the last time I did, a very kind member of this group helped us out in a way that made a huge difference, right about the time Terry lost his job in 2009. Things are far worse now than they were then. If anyone can offer any help, insight, prayer, anything at all...... Something that'll give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning (because the reason I used to have is now sleeping in a tree), I would be forever greatful. Chris has changed my life in ways I can't begin to express. He brought art to me. He has walked with me down the road of life in a way that has allowed me to grow as a person, and shed the feelings of "devine obligation" that used to govern my thoughts and decisions. He set me free..... And I was happier from November of 2008 to April of 2011 than I have ever been in my life. I've lost my home, my closest friend, and any hope for my life. Each day is filled with anger and drama, deception and manipulation, and me trying to hide my tears at being seperated from someone who made my life complete.029.jpg

:helpme:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 11
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Elders (Admins)

Oh, Erin. You've had such a tough time and none of it was your fault. It's so unfair when life throws sh*t at those who least deserve it.

I'm definitely no "armchair profiler" but I'd trust your assessment of Chris over anyone else's. And, most importantly, I'd trust your assessment of anyone over your mother's. I might well be going overboard on this, but I wonder if this particular website might be helpful to you: https://www.daughters...ticmothers.com/. Obviously, I can't tell if your mother is a narcissist, and even if she isn't you might find some advice there to help you deal with the situation. I first found that website via reading another forum, where women in similar situations have had advice and support. One of the things they advise is that you can't change her behaviour, but you can change how you respond. She's deceitful and manipulative - so trying being the same towards her, even though that's not natural to you. Try never mentioning Chris again - tell lies if you need to if you're going to visit him. If mentioning Chris sets her off on a rant then just deny her that opportunity. If she tries bringing up the subject, say you're not going to talk about it because it upsets her and you're concerned about her health. I know - easy to write, but difficult to do. I had a little of that with my own mother and it is very draining to deal with someone who should be loving and supportive (according to the standard description of a mother) when they don't seem to have the emotional capacity to be that kind of person.

I'm sure you have already looked at all the possible resources available, especially for Chris, so I hesitate also to suggest contacting charitable organisations in the area to see if any of them have a programme or something that might be able to find Chris a home, at least temporarily while he finds a job? I know that things are very different in the US as opposed to the UK, but even over here, with our supposedly superior social services, local charities and churches are the ones that step up to the mark and help people get back onto their feet. For instance, there's https://helpathenshomeless.org/ - would they be able to help?

You have so very much to deal with, and that naturally is overwhelming. Try separating out the bits and focus on one a time. Your mother - ignore or manipulate. Chris - needs a base. Terry - I have no idea. Disability allowance - even here in the UK, the amount of paperwork and waiting and waiting seems be the norm. Perhaps try thinking of those and any other issues as separate index cards - take each one out of the box individually and do what you can, then put it back. Take a break while thinking about something else such as a piece of inspiring music, then take out the next one, and so on. It might make it feel less like trying to keep all those plates spinning which I guess is probably how you're feeling.

I assume the image is of you and Chris? You look fantastic in that photo.

Libby

"Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape." Terry Pratchett

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow.... Libby.... You are certainly my angel.

I've bookmarked the "Daughters" website to read later, when she doesn't keep walking though the room, trying to strike up conversation. And, I don't think you're going overboard on this. The strange thing is...... I never fully grasped how twisted the whole scene is here with these people who are supposedly my "parents" (don't get me started on my father....lol), until now. I spent most of my life feeling SORRY for my mother, who seemed a kind, shy person who got a really bad deal in life. But now...after how Chris has opened my eyes, the abuse is just so obvious I can't believe I never noticed it before. Some of you may remember me mentioning a guy named Nicholas, who was my first true boyfriend, from back in high school. He's actually a lot like Chris, and she managed to drive a wedge between us that kept us apart for almost 20 years. I will NOT allow her to rob me of anyone else. And....wow...it's weird to read from someone so pure of heart as you, actually advocating deception and manipulation. I think that's part of my problem. I've always tried to take the "high ground". Hell, on Thursday, she pissed me off and I made a really smart a** response, then came back to her before I left to see Chris, and appologized for being rude. That's when I got the 20 minute lecture on how he's lieing about living in a tree, he's dangerous, he'll kill us all...blablabla.... She even had the gall to compare him to my best friend Laury's husband, who murdered her and their children! I just quietly let her finish, and left. So.... The thought of using the same tactics is devilishly tempting. I've actually thought about it, but hesitated, because I hate to stoop to her level. It's a good idea, though, and I think I'll try it. I've tried telling her good things about Chris, or to evoke some guilt about him being homeless, and all it's gotten is creating more yelling, so I've stopped talking about him at all. I guess I was afraid if I didn't at least TRY to fight for him, #1 she'd think what she'd done was ok, and #2 Chris would feel I'd abandoned him, for not fighting for him. I mentioned that the other day, and he said no....that he'd never think that. Oh, and I tried the lies about where I'm going, but since I hardly ever go out anywhere, the moment I said Terry and I were going to Athens, she KNEW it was about Chris, and then yelled at me for lieing to her, saying I was underhanded and deceptive, and that Chris had "warped" me. I do have a VALID excuse to go Monday, though, because I have a meeting with someone about an art project. I'm desperate for any way to make money right now.

Your ideas are wonderful, and I'll be meditating on them/journaling about them this evening. Chris manages to get to the local library sometimes, and there he has public access to the internet, so we've been able to talk. Today was BAD, and he is borderline suicideal. It doesn't help that he's bi-polar. (which is one of the excuses mom had to flip her lid) I think I calmed him down, and we'll see each other on Monday.

Thank you so much for your generous nature. (sorry for the spelling. typing fast before she comes back in here again)

And, thank you even MORE for the kind compliment about the photo!!! Wow, that made my day! Chris has been trying for years to get me to have a better self image. I am always the one thinking he's the beautiful one of the 2 of us.

Thank you, and I'll be back soon. Sorry I have not been as much help here as I wanted to be. I was just getting my feet wet here again, when everything went to hell.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Sweet Erin,

My reply is going to be short. We've chatted on the phone in the past, and maybe we should try and find some time again.

First I want to agree with Libby, it is a great picture.

One thing I do know is this. The most powerful thing in the universe is prayer. Not the sobbing and begging kind as you beat on God's chest, but the quiet, humble kind, as you approach the throne of grace. I also know that there are times when we don't know what to say to God, speaking from a lot of experience, and assuming this could possibly one of those times for you, call and speak to a prayer partner at the Unity Prayer Line, 1-800-669-7729. For 30 days hundreds will be praying for you.

Regarding your parents, or anyone that you are dealing with and giving you a hard time. Instead of throwing stones or judging, I am going to give you a quote by Henry Longfellow.

"Every man has secret sorrows that the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad."

All we can do is ask God to open the eyes of their understanding. Your parents seem very unhappy, and very possibly they are jealous of any joy you may have and without realizing it, do their best to destroy it. It's like a lot of people who are sick, and it they were honest, don't want to be healed. As an example, some people are comfortable in their illness and pain because it brings thems sympathy from others. For most people it's easier to receive sympathy then to be an overcomer and accept healing and live in health. Same holds true in other areas of people's lives.

I am here for you, anytime day or night. You have my number.

Love and Big Hug,

Darlene

DarleneSignaturePic1.jpg

"Time is too slow for those who wait; too swift for those who fear;

too long for  those who grieve; too short for those who rejoice.

But for those who love, time is eternity."

(Jane Fellowes)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, Darlene. I appreciate you caring.

I don't want to get into a religious discussion here. It wouldn't help anyway. And, yes, your assessment of them being sad, not bad, people is correct. The problem is, I've felt sorry for them for most of my life, and have tolerated things I never should have. It's taken this nightmare with Chris to open my eyes to the truth...... That you can't help someone who doesn't want it. She acts like she does, but will sabotage any effort to make things better, for herself, or for me. And, then turn around and tell me I have a bad attitude and "never have been able to listen to anyone". Funny thing is.... I've been listening to everyone but myself my whole life. I know she's jealous of me. I have for years. That's why I've always held myself back. It's funny that Chris brought art into my life, and helped me discover my hidden talent. I've been interested in art for many years (which you can probably tell from some of the forums I created, the pictures I've taken over the years, my writing, etc. Yet..... I refused to ever pursue trying to learn to paint or draw. People even recommended I read "The Artist's Way". by Julia Cameron, but I resisted, saying "I can't draw! I'm not an artist. Chris broke through all those layers of fear and denial, and made me what I am. And, you know WHY I was so resistant all those years?? Because my mother always wanted to be an artist, and even tried to learn to paint (using stincils, and making "floor canvases") back in the 80's! Yes, I've done the classic thing of holding myself back, and being meek, to not overshadow my ,mother and make her feel bad! And what has it gotten me? Severely creativly repressed........amgry......sad......and standing by while my best friend is kicked out onto the street.

I'm sorry everybody. This is why I havn't been around much. It's hard to talk about a tv show when your world is falling apart. I'm turning to you guys, because you've always been faithful friends.

Let me check on the phone thing. I've been told they have nationwide free long distance here, but then the next thing I know, she's saying she thinks it just coveres this state. The last thing I need to be doing is running up the phone bill.

I'll be back tomarrow.

n501697084_1218944_7232.jpg

Again...thanks for trying to help...both of you. And thanks for the kind words. I havn't been feeling very pretty dark for a while now. But, Chris' eyes could light up the night sky.........

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The second picture is awesome.

As you well know Erin, I'm not religious, but I am very spiritual, and I know that you are a spiritual person too. And, having said that, we're not talking religion here, for even our discussion is a form of prayer. I hope that we, and I feel that Libby would agree, are helping to carry your burdens. Friends are what helps to make the crooked way straight.

But first and foremost is love. You are dearly loved and appreciated, and absolutely nothing or no one can change that. And I have no doubts that you have been manifesting love to your family. Continue to, even if it's rejected, because love never fails, and love conquers all. Your continued love to them will become a testimony to yours and Chris' love for each other, so follow your heart, no matter where it leads you.

If you don't believe in God, then believe in my faith in God, and draw on my strength. Let your light shine. This will all pass, and blessed days are ahead.

Obstacles

Viktor E. Frankl

(Man's Search for Meaning)

"We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: The last of his freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

Love and huggers.

DarleneSignaturePic1.jpg

"Time is too slow for those who wait; too swift for those who fear;

too long for  those who grieve; too short for those who rejoice.

But for those who love, time is eternity."

(Jane Fellowes)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh...there's one of those weird "synchronicities"! Chris has often spoken of Viktor and "Man's Search for Meaning", and has urged me to read it, if I can ever get a copy of it.

Thank you. I'm not religious either, but I am spiritual, as you said. But, as Frank once said "I fear my own faith has been lacking, of late". I went so far on simple faith, and believed it all to be true, and then to watch everything crash to dust, after all the progress that has been made in both of our lives..... Yeah, I'm very hurt and angry and feel betrayed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Elders (Admins)

Earthnut said:

Your parents seem very unhappy, and very possibly they are jealous of any joy you may have and without realizing it, do their best to destroy it. It's like a lot of people who are sick, and it they were honest, don't want to be healed. As an example, some people are comfortable in their illness and pain because it brings thems sympathy from others. For most people it's easier to receive sympathy then to be an overcomer and accept healing and live in health. Same holds true in other areas of people's lives.

And Raven Wolf said:

That you can't help someone who doesn't want it. She acts like she does, but will sabotage any effort to make things better, for herself, or for me. And, then turn around and tell me I have a bad attitude and "never have been able to listen to anyone". Funny thing is.... I've been listening to everyone but myself my whole life. I know she's jealous of me. I have for years.

Both those quotes resonated with me - mostly from what I've learned reading that other forum. All that is so very true for more people than most of us realise; because we keep quiet about it.

From that other forum: the concept of FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. It's a useful description because, like real fog, it can surround us, and muffle the sights and sounds of the real life around us. And what it stands for are all the negative things that play on our sense of responsibility, and can end up almost suffocating us emotionally. You could think that you're obligated to be a good daughter to your mother; but equally, she's obligated to be a good mother to you. She's not doing that very well; and there may be a number of reasons - how was she parented, did she learn bad parenting skills from her parents and is repeating that? That's not a question to be answered here, by the way, just giving you maybe more food for thought.

I know you're stuck in the situation of living under the same roof for a while, and maybe you don't want to go too far in analysing the situation. But maybe just tucking away in the back of your mind some of the possible reasons for her behaviour and attitude can provide some emotional armour in deflecting what she throws at you as not being your responsibility. A bit like Wonder Woman deflecting bullets with her special bracelets.

You mention that Chris is bipolar. A lot of bipolar sufferers are the sweetest people, because they can sometimes experience much more than normal (NT - neurotypical) people do, which can at times be frightening for them. But they are very rarely a threat to anyone else.

Personally, I can't advocate prayer as that seems to me to be going outward to a vague concept; but I would suggest meditation as a means of bringing in strength to yourself from wherever you can find it.

I love that second photo. You have such a lovely smile on your face. And even though I'm not that good at reading faces, Chris looks to me like someone I'd like to sit down and have a conversation with.

Libby

"Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape." Terry Pratchett

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, Libby. Trust me, you'd certainly have a lively conversation if you did! (and thanks for the compliment....that's just how happy he makes me!)

I'm going to see him again tomarrow. I only have $6 left to my name, and he hasn't eaten in 2 days. I don't know what else to do at this point.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hope you can find a peaceful haven from which to heal. I hope you and your friend Chris are soon reunited. :grouphug:

you can pick your friends... you can pick your nose .... but you can NEVER pick your friend's nose !!

MAKE EVERY DAY COUNT!

Link to comment
Share on other sites




×
×
  • Create New...