Loin Like a Hunting Hal, PG-13

[Bardo Thodol]

Loin Like a Hunting Hal

A Shallow MillenniuM Crossover

by Selfosophy Psycho

Disclaimer: it all belongs to Chris Carter, Fox, et all.  No copyright infringement intended.

Feedback: Yes, please! private or public! (separate topic tread, remember)

Boulder, Colorado

Thursday, 2:23 am

Rain falls on a dark back street of Boulder, as a garbage truck drives past a large warehouse.  A severely obese couple aproaches the back entrance of the structure, already bouncing their rolls to the tune of the techno music emanating from the doorway.  The male is wearing a varsity jacket with huge letters spelling "Boulder" across the wide girth of his back.

They pay their cover to a slimey looking fellow who looks like Steve-what's-his-name, and is wearing a red satin robe for no apparent reason.  As the couple walks by, his eyes bulge at the size of their backsides!

The couple slowly waddles down the metal-work catwalks and stairwells to the dance floor below.  On their way to the ground floor, they see a shapely clubee dancer adorned in flourescent paints, who looks like a young Joanna Cassidy.  The couple admire the dancer's pet, which is rapped around her neck and across her torso.  As the couple turns toward the dance floor, the announcer says, "Watch her take the pleasure from the serpent...".

As they make their way through the crowd to the bar on the far side of the hall, the crowd desperses in a wide birth to let them pass.

When they reach the bar, the young man takes the jacket off his rotund girlfriend, to reveal that she is wearing a tube top!  Her massive pasty white stomach rolls reflect the techno-flourescence which covers the dance floor.  They stand there - awkward, uncomfortable, and self conscious.

In the shadows, leaning against one of the large concrete pillars of the rave-converted warehouse, is pudgey man wearing black jeans, and a plain white short sleave shirt, untucked.

We suddenly see the couple from Pudgey man's point of view.  There is a redish, stylized, photographic quality to the room and the couple - like they are on the cover of MaxiM.  Through Pudgey's eyes, the couple appears quite lean and in shape!  They are the beautiful people, baby, seductively looking at and touching each other.

He gazes luridly at the couple, making all kinds of trying movements with his eye brows, face, and lips, while saying, "Oooh, yeeeeah..." under his breath.

Then our perspective returns to the true appearance of the obese couple, as a Pris look-a-like from Blade Runner approaches the couple, the black band of makeup cross her eyes accentuates exactly what she is... a basic pleasure model.  As she greets them, the couple says hello and they exchange friendly hugs and greetings, like old friends happy to see each other.

From Pudgey's perspective the couple is sensuously touching the woman and looking her over desireously.  As he watches the trio, Pudgey quickly extends his arms and hands outward in a sudden "snap", raises his hand to test his breath, then brings it over his head to "style" his hair.  He then begins to move toward them and under his breath says, "'Oh yeeeah!  Come to papa!  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winnah!"

Pris-look-a-like sees him, and with a look of disgust on her face, walks away as fast as she can.  The couple turns to see what she is repulsed by.  They see Pudgey approaching with his signature lips-curled-back smile, dancing toward them in his trying-way-too-hard manner.

We now see the couple again as they actually appear.  They look at Pudgey, then each other with a puzzled, "who-the-hell-is-this-guy" wrinkling of the brow, and a "what-the-hell-is-his-problem" curling of the lip.

From Pudgey's perspective they look upon him with anticipation, licking their lips.  He steps up to them raises his hand with his pointing finger signalling, "Wait..."  He then reaches into his pocket to reveal 2 jelly beans.  He then says slowly, "Aaaaaaah-Huuuuuh!  Oh, yeah!  Who's got what you need!"

[scene fades to a tropical green house auberitum; crime scene]

Frank Black is crouched over 2 obese body's who bulbous genitals are covered with fig leaves.  He suddenly looks up seeing a flash of visions: Motivational speaker guru Tony Robins performing some sort of "laying on of hands" hypnotic ritual in an elevator.  Franks sees this from the point of view of the recipent of the ritual.

[end]  

Hope you enjoyed it!  I saw Shallow Hal for the first time this past weekend!     From the first scenes of Hal's perspective of that obese woman as a thin, lean Gweneth Paltrow, I could not help myself from envisioning this episode spoof!     I was thinking about it the entire way through the movie.  It was a hysterical movie too!