MAD TV -- February 1, 1997

"Suddenly Millennium" (A spoof of "Suddenly Susan" and "Millennium")

[Opening scene: main room at the magazine, based on "Suddenly Susan," Brooke Shields' sitcom. She and her co-workers are depicted. The doors of an elevator open and a man exits, walking past... ]

Louis [pseudo Nestor Carbonell]: "Hi Todd."

Vicki [pseudo Brooke Shields]: "Hi Todd."

Louis: "So, Vicki, tell me, how was your big date last night?"

Vicki (exhaustively perky): "I picked him up. He made me pay for dinner. Then he stole my car and left me in a ditch. It was the longest relationship I've had this year. Spank me!"

[laugh track]

[Elevator doors open again and Frank Black enters the news room, dressed in a wedding tuxedo.]

Jack [pseudo Judd Nelson]: "Huh, Frank, uh, shouldn't you be at a wedding right now?"

[laugh track]

Frank [pseudo Lance](in a gravelly monotone throughout): "As I was standing at the altar I saw the edge of the abyss. I saw children with their eyes stiched shut. Their features sanded off. Their screams masked by a veil of brutal indifference. I, uh, called off the weddding."

Vicki: "Good for you! Now you'll have more time to tour with 'Up With People!' "

[laugh track]

Frank: "I want my job back, please."

[Music cue. Main titles.]

Suddenly
Millennium

With
Kathy Griffin

Not to Mention
Nestor Carbonell

And Somehow
Judd Nelson

Starring
Lance Henriksen

[Music cue includes a spoof of the two chords so prevalent at the start of each act in Millennium]

[laugh track]

"Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death?"

Plato

[Repeat of the two musical chords. Frank is at his desk, reading a book: "All About Serial Killers."]

Jack [: "Frank, um, I want to talk to you about the article you just turned in."

Frank: "You mean, 'Maggots Devour the Innocent'?"

[laugh track]

Jack: "Yeah. Good stuff. However the assignment was: 'Weekend Fun in San Francisco.' "

[laugh track]

Frank: "Jack, you see Golden Gate Park in all its majesty. I see hundreds of shallow graves. It's my gift. It's my curse."

Vicki: " 'My gift, my curse'? Is that the new R.E.M. single?"

[laugh track]

Louis: "Excuse us, Frank. Guys? We have got to do something about Frank. Get him to loosen up, eh?"

Jack: "Hey, you guys thinking what I'm thinking?"

All three in unison: "Surprise party!"

Vicki: "Yeah, great idea! I'll get a male stripper and a Chippendale's dancer... "

Louis: "Uh, Vicki, how is that going to help Frank?"

Vicki: "Frank who?"

[laugh track]

Louis: "Listen, I will get the music. Vicki, you take care of the cake and then Todd will get the balloons. Okay?"

[He opens a door and Todd is shown covered in blood, then falls on the ground on his face.]

Vicki (gasps): "Oh! Eeiw!"

Louis: "Oh, my God! Todd! Well now who's going to get the balloons?"

[laugh track]

[Frank see visions of Todd being tortured and screaming.]

Frank: "Todd saw the killer as he died. The killer is directing his hatred towards a world in which he's trapped, reduced, objectified."

Jack: "Aw, come on, Frank! Todd was a rock critic. Who wasn't trying to kill him! Todd's history! The important thing is that you learn how to have some fun!"

Vicki: "Yeah, Frank, loosen up! What are you doing tomorrow night?"

Frank: "Well, after, uh, alphabetizing my collection of autopsy photographs, I'll be at the coroner's office weighing brains."

Jack: "Uh, no, Frank, you've got to, um... "

Louis: "Work on your article!"

Jack: "Yeah!"

Vicki: "Here at the office -- tomorrow night!"

Frank: "All right. But I hope this isn't some kind of ruse to throw a surprise party for me."

[laugh track]

[Frank leaves the room.]

Vicki: "He doesn't suspect a thing."

[Music. Next scene. Frank is typing at his computer.]

Frank: " 'As I smell the acrid stench of burnt bodies, the clouds rain blood and I'm awash in the horror -- the horror of existence. Get well soon Aunt Gertie. Love, Frank.'

[laugh track]

[Jack crosses the room towards his office, reaches for his door.]

Frank: "Jack, don't... !"

Judd: "Huh? What?"

[Judd opens the door to find Louis hanging on the door by a hook, stabbed in the chest with five knives.]

[audience groans]

[Frank has a vision of Louis being tortured, screaming.]

Jack: "Oh, great! He scratched the paint! Now I have to get the whole thing re-done!"

[laugh track]

Frank: "He's not going to stop, Jack. Not until he washes the decay and putrification out of this foul wasteland."

Vicki: "But what about tough-to-get-out stains like grass and ketchup?"

[laugh track]

Frank: "There's a pattern here; these killings are related."

Jack: "Whoa, there you go again, Frank, finding conspiracies everywhere. If I freaked out everytime somebody on this staff died, I'd never get anything done."

[laugh track]

Jack: "Which, uh, reminds me... "

[Pulls Vicki aside.]

Jack: "Now is a good time to get the cake for Ank-Fray's Arty-Pay."

Vicki: "O-A-A-K. Can I have Louis' parking space?"

[laugh track]

[Music cue. Next scene: Frank's surprise party. The newsroom is dark as Vicki exits the elevator, cake in hand, candles lit and she's holding a flashlight. Eerie music throughout.]

Vicki: "Hello? Hello?"

[There are dead bodies strewn everywhere. Vicki steps over one.]

Vicki: "Excuse me, dead guy."

[laugh track]

Vicki: "Cool! A Jonestown reunion!"

[laugh track]

[Vicki discovers Jack's lifeless body.]

Vicki: "Oh, no, Jack! This is terrible! This is tragic! Now I'll never get that parking space!"

[laugh track]

Vicki: "My 'Welcome Back Kotter' mouse pad! Ugh! There's blood and puss all over Horshack!"

[laugh track]

[There's a noise which startles Vicki.]

Vicki (screams): Oh, hi Mr. Appear-Out-Of-The-Shadows-And-Almost- Give-Me-A-Coronary!"

Frank: "This should have been done a long time ago."

[He pulls out some gray masking tape and walks toward Vicki.]

[Odd music cues. Frank, wearing a party hat, steps on a balloon, crushing it.]

[Next scene: Vicki is bound to a chair by the tape, her mouth is covered so that she can only grunt but not speak.]

Frank: "You see Vicki, people like you are the first signs of the Apocalypse. Shallow, smug, superficial parasites, with your insufferable pop-culture references that mask creatures devoid of compassion, intellect and soul. That's why the Millennium Group has been sent to destroy you and the entire 'Must-See-TV' lineup."

[laugh track]

[Frank fires up a chainsaw, as Vicki screams. Frank looks directly into the camera.]

Frank: "Cue laugh track."

[Fade to black. Music cue of the two chords again as the final credits fade in.]

[laugh track]

Executive Producers
Clyde E. Neuman
and
Alfred E. Carter

Copyrighted by Quincy Jones David Salzman Entertainment. All Rights reserved.