I feel a need to write this evening as I haven't really been inudated by IMs and random emails. It's funny how I miss the constant blathering chatter from the peanut gallery. I wish I could wax poetic and be witty and bantering-what I would consider my usual self-but my happiness is held in check by the invisible strings of money. Men-bleh!...it infuriates me that they can create life and walk away from their responsibilities. At the same time they can call thier minatures on the phone and play loving daddy...meanwhile the mom is left making excuses as to why there is no food in the house. And it's not gracious to bitch-why, I should be happy that we have a roof over our heads and clothes to wear. Whatever!.......all I know is we have no milk, the gas gauge is on "E", and I have no freakin' cigarettes! Selfish mother-there are more important things than cigarettes..Duh! My one true vice that gets me through times like these...and I don't even have nicotine to lean on! *Skanky nicotine addict searches through the ashtray to seek out half-smoked cigs; lights and hotboxes the tiny pitiful butts.* You know, I should probably revel in my sorrow as it will make the joy so much more rewarding! Bah! Bite me! :mabiuswoz'ere: My daughter is a raving lunatic right now-every minute with her is like an eternity in teenage angst hell. If I have to see that hateful face one more minute I think I'm going to shoot a hole in my foot just for the sheer ecstacy of it! Ha-ha You know, I fuzzily remember being unhappy and unfulfilled at that age, but damn-Give me a break! I had drunks for parents-I had a God-given right to be hateful!! I swear I do everything for that kid and I have an excellent reason that I patiently present if there's something that's out of my power. What happened to the grubby little cards given to you with kool-aid stained hands that said "Best Mom Ever!"? Now I get sneers and stomps. Revenge, karma...whatever this is....I'd like to pass please, Chuck! Can I buy a vowel instead??? Now, add to the mix that mom is trying to make some real friends...can we say "armageddon?" Let me take a moment here to define "real friends" - "people one actually meets in person; i.e. individuals that can actually be enjoyed with the five senses." If I type "LOL" one more time I think I'm going to experience projectile vomiting. Chat buddies are so fickle...I know I am. If I don't want to talk to you, you can be damn sure I won't! Just because the Yahoo shows me as not on,...I'm there, all right, lurking in the background in case I actually do have something brilliant to say. Which hasn't been lately; hence, my lack of communication with others right now. You barely know these people (OK-some you might know in a biblical sense from one crazy night involving too much alcohol)-but that's beside the point. You don't want to be messing up their perfectly oblivious lives by saying "Hey, f%cking kill me! Mi life suxs!! BTW, did u catch the new ep of House?" I don't think they would much appreciate it, nor consider you a good enough buddy to talk to you at a later time when you've possibly regained your sanity. Real friends do this; virtual ones do not-unless of course you've been talking with them for quite some time. Most of my buddies don't fall into this category because they just learned how to read recently...haha! Actually, very lame joke pertaining to the fact that many of my buddies are young, a characteristic I seek intentionally. Young people are still having fun, still savoring life, still seeking fulfillment - I find that enticing. (I really think it's because older people might actually recognize how crazy I am!! The younger ones won't notice a thing!!) Young or old, either way, I still sit in this apartment ready to scream when they ask me to come out and play and I can't because I'm a parent and I'm responsible....I don't wanna be here! I wanna go out and play with my friends!! Life's not fair!!! - --Boy, that sounds so ominously familiar! Well, Tonya - you need older, mature friends who understand your situation and will take it into consideration-not these young, foolish types who have no time for you or your woes!! Great advice, thanks!! I have those friends, too! They go to bed at 9:00, and never step out of the house for fear they might melt!!Ack!-can you say boring? Well, this had been a cleansing moment brought to you by a wacko in Raleigh-can you say sleeping meds??? Ahhhh-now that hits the spot. Now I can lay down and forget my problems briefly until they come back to haunt me tomorrow! The sweet respite of sleep and temporary sanity! Now I know why the chemists make all those big bucks! The candymen of the new Millenia! Now, ain't that a bitch!!