So last year I was all excited about getting my own website and working on it and things were cool. Well, mid July I contact the person who ran the server farm and tried to get the info to be prepared about paying for the next year... and heard nothing. After several calls, and emails and PMs I finally hear from him and he is in the lobby of Dragon con and would get back to me asap...
Well, that hasn't happened. and my childrens website has been taken over by a porn group. I sent an email to him, didn't hear anything, called, left message, and still nothing and I am really really in a bind because I know this young man who is running the server farm and I thought it would be better to have him do it than someplace impersonal, because I thought, ok, gee, if there are problems I can take it to him, and it is helping him out.
In a way, too, I am horrified that while I was passing out the website info, that it had been hacked (though I am still listed as the owner of the site, and it is difficult because if they are doing something illegal then its on my head, and all of the people that I passed the info to are now getting an eyefull.
Part of me wants to abandon ship with this and go with TRIPOD, or something else. in a way, it would have been better had I not jumped in as I did, and I know that the cost of the website would be about the same. I don't know how to get his attention, and I am pretty pissed that it came to this. Unless he is wrapped around a telephone pole, this isn't very professional and I have always tried to be above board about everything because the books deal with children.
I do have the tripod site and I will be speaking to my husband after work about what I should do, and what I can do, and I am hoping that I can get this cleared up. In a way, the website wasn't what I had expected. at the very least, I need my name cleared from the whosits that gives my name and address as the owner, if I am not the one owning it, and I really would love to have my domaine name cleared from it, and kept as *my* domain name because had I updated it, it would have become a publishing company for the childrens books.
I think, in a way, that this was something that was my fault. - Oh, I know I contacted him, but I wasn't aware that the date that I had done this was sept 10th, (until I saw the blog that I made about it last year,) here I was thinking the due date was the 17th. and In a way, that was his bad, that it happened like that. In a way too- I *think* that it can be rescued, but in another way, I have been locked out of the website so I can't make changes and even getting into it was something my computer cried over doing. I am not going to re do with another domaine with him, if it can't be fixed, and this happened, it should be a red flag over what should be done and how I should be able to have contact.
I don't know what else to do.
Well, work has been interesting. So far, I'm not making enough in one pay to cover the morgage, and it's been a scramble after more cancer surgery, and work has been- weird. Nothing really settled in everything- still alot of cat fights and scrambling to be top dog by the others. I said to my boss. "have you ever heard of me getting into a fight with ANYONE here?"
and he said no. Good to remember that because my evaluation is coming up next week, and I know that no matter how hard I've worked, I still won't get a raise.
So I look to do that I can, and help where I can, and one of the things was a virtual fund raiser for a website that I go on, and things were going great until one of the members pokes his nose into what another person and I were doing and started questioning my competince, and I have had run ins with this idiot before. He hates me, hates women, women should be locked and loaded behind the door. Seen and not heard and heaven help a woman that has more education than him. For the life of me I believe that he only shuts up when he knows the woman could finantially help him.
I knew the moment he started butting in, there would be trouble, and with out going into details he mis repeated what was said to stir up trouble, and I get a call from one of the officers of the group, and I get yelled at for what had been said an no, he didn't listen to what really happened, and never bothered to check with others and when I think all of that gets taken care of the girl that I was working with gets yelled at and she comes flying at me, freaking out because they freaked her out and Im like, I am sorry this happened, and I packed up my stuff and just handed over copies of everything I had to another person and said "I have my life to deal with, heres everything, sorry I can't do more."
and then I send a terse letter to the group officer who screamed at me, that I was upset over how she was treated and his answer was to boot me out of the organization and hadn't spoke to me about anything since then.
But I find out that while no one was speaking to me about it, they were speaking to eachother about it and I hear from the grape vine. whats been going down, and it seems that the officer of the group had posted on the group forum a small snippet of what was said, not everything and justified what he did saying I was a rude child that overturned the chess board if I didn't win-
and it gets - strange after that. I manage to pass on all the communications that were involved (with permission from the young girl involved) and now they are beginning to see the light.
But you can't make an omlette unless you crack some eggs. The girl that I had gone to her defense has since informed me she no longer wishes to be my friend. (blinks) Note I hadn't said anything to her since it all began, and I am at a quandry over what to say, or how to find out what was said to make her that upset.
Sometimes you can't win. Sometimes- it's just not worth it.
In a way, I didn't do anything wrong. Really. I made decisions on my own behalf, and I made decisions to ensure that needs would be met.
In the mean time- I can't stop people from what they think, or say or do- and I can't hold on to every hand, or smooth over every brused ego.
I think, if I was a petty person, I could be very vindictive in an answer to this young lady. I gave up- alot- to keep the peace, and friendship. her backside is probaby smarting because of what she said over the matter- (even though it was made that I was the bad guy) I don't know what her motive was. I know, that things could have been better and people are upset because they weren't there to step in when everything was going down.
Not their fault.
Maybe- I have peace in a way- that - If I am going to get screwed over, that this young lady is going to get few smacks to her backside for what she was saying all along.
I asked her why. She said, that our paths were different and she couldnt be friends with me.
told her that when we last spoke, we were friends, and I wished her well. told her goodby.
Maybe, it's a lesson I needed to learn again. never let someone get close to you. never make friends, just have people whom you work with because people - people are fickle and weird and some don't deserve the support that you've given them because it only bites you in the backside.
Sometimes- you do take the chance, you do- live for the time that you can make the difference in some ones life.
but for today, I have said goodby,
and in a way, i really wanted to get snarky- but I knew the best way to handle anything that any one had said about me was to rise above it
Snarky can come later.
We were watching Star Wars marathon on sunday when the power began to flicker. Outside the wind was blowing pretty hard, and we could hear our house groaning in protest. Darth Vader had just wacked off Lukes arm and was going on about doing in the emperor, and just as he was saying the famous lines "Luke, I am your....." the cable and the power cut out "I am your What Vader? I am your What???" I wanted to shout at the tv.
It seems the wires that had gone down two years ago, never were repaired properly or replaced, allowing the wires to touch, spark, heat and strech to continue the process of the massive burning of wires and showering of sparks all down the street sending the fraught insulation tumbling to the ground in bursts of flames.
Had this been the dry season, we would be screwed. As it was, the trees that the lines went through were pretty soaked and didn't catch fire. The last time that something like this happened, it was 4 days before we had power, I guess with the cops sitting around watching the sparks arc across the lines, and the look of sheer terror on their faces, the power company did double time to get there and unhook the lines.
We were going to go to my mothers and spend the night, but something told me to just- wait, and go visit the neighbors, her daughter was there, and offered me a glass of wine, and we had a nice time talking by candle light (her house was always warmer than ours) and in an hour, her power came back on. we thanked her, and went home to discover that it would take another 3 hours before ours was on. Bundled up with blankets over us, we sat in the living room candles ablaze nibbling crackers and cheese and feeling very mellow.
My best friend says that some how, my life is just a Drama Magnet. Ever since the discord at work with the pay, and the sniping and I finally told my boss that while it all was important, it was stuff I couldn't change, and I wasn't going to worry about it. I couldn't get involvled and I was there to just do my job. It was a massive- enlightenment that has kept me calm during all of this.
ironic, the girl who I stood beside- and helped out has had issues of her own, way too much Drama-- but- on the other hand, she needed someone to just listen, and not judge her.
I've seen- this- before. like- a pack of wolves people turn and snap and snarl at eachother and when I removed myself from the mix, it was something that turned them on to someone else.
and I am caught in the middle of it all- caught with knowing things but not knowing how to get them fixed.
The secret to survival is to do what you have to to survive, you fly low, under the radar- you don't whine, you do what it takes to get the job done and you do as your told, not as you have seen others do. You go where they tell you and you do not make waves because the moment you do- the next second, they are looking for reasons to get rid of you.
I know-things- I have over heard the conflict, I know what happened, and I know that I am stuck in the middle. As I told one of the people, Look, I am not getting drawn into the middle of this, this is what I saw- this is what happened. IMHO. and I have been asked not to say anything to a person who had my back.
and I know- how hurt, she would be if she knew.
So, while I can't tell her everything, word for word, because i do not know what her resolve is, I know I have to do- something to help her.
to get her grounded so that her life isn't filled with Drama.
I have two weeks to figure out the answer before all hell breaks lose.
I know I have to tell her. I know I have to give her a heads up in a way that she's not going to freak, or to yell, and I have to do it in a way that she can get something positive from this to survive.
When you stop looking for the bad, and start looking for the good in people, you find good.
we have to find the good, in all of us, we have to find what is right, and just, and ballanced
The milk is cold, the cookies are warm, the milk is cold, the cookies are warm.
it is the ying/ yang of life.
So, I have been at my current job for 12 and a half years. Pretty much a record for me, because its the longest that I have ever stayed at a job in my life. Not that I bounce around, but, well, the first - real- job I had lasted 5 years, and it was horrible work that ground me done physicly and emotionally - I had worked at a nursing home, and I kept getting exposed to TB and every thing that people brought in when they came to visit their family and I lost a full inch of my height from lifting people who refused to stand up. I quit, and a week later I learned that the owner of the place was arrested for murdering 4 of the people who lived there (including his mother who had retired there, and was in her right mind and held the purse strings)
My next job was with a dept store selling ladys foundation garments and fur coats, and that lasted 18 months before the owners decided to go to the kentucky derby and wipe out the retirement fund of the people who worked there, and when they tried to recoup their losses, they lost- everything.
my next job was food service- and I was pretty good at it, and it paid for me to go back to college and I left there just before the manager was arrested for embezzelment of fund (he had set up a catering service on the side and was using the money from the buisness to buy things for the dinners he catered- he got caught because the millage on the van when they took it in for servicing was higher than expected by several thousand miles)
the job I had after that was another short term one, simply because the manager was again, embezzling funds, and changing the time cards so that we wern't getting paid, though we had worked a 40 hour work week.
I went back to work at a dept store (different one) in the childrens dept, and it was pretty good while we were on commission. but they changed that, and after 5 years, I found myself making minimum wage again, and I was pretty pissed, but left on good terms with them.
the next job I had lasted 10 years. It started out with one company who was doing great, and then, alas, the CEO who thought he could get gold from sea water and yes, you can, well, the investors discovered that it cost more to make it than it could get out...
so he pulled the money out of the company to pay off his investors and sold it to a rival company, and they started merging the locations, the district manager had no clue about what I knew, or what I was able to do- and in a way, I really didn't care. the company was sold to different subsidiary companys as they tried to beat the tax man, and after a while, they just closed everything.
I kicked around for a while, did vollenteer work at the local library (which IMHO if your unemployed, do volenteer work because it shows that you are still doing SOMETHING besides sitting around collecting the checks. A position became avalible there and I applied for it, didn't get it, and it was funny, because the woman said :"Oh, but you will still be here as a volenteer..." and I shrugged and said, "I need a job. Funny that I am good enough to work for free, but your not willing to pay me for the same work. " and I walked out.
I filled out a bunch of applications and I knew that at *my age* they look for the young kids who are dumb and can hustle. well, Im not young, Im not dumb and with my current health, I can't hustle.
I was hired, at my current job, but under a different company. 12 years ago the company bought out one of its compeditors, and thus began the race to be the biggest in its market. Problem with that is that not all are equal, and failing buisness locations don't make more money, only more debt. But they were Solvent, and they gobbled up more than they could swallow, and they were bought out by another company who was bigger, and wanted to be in the top 4 but- funny thing... the owners sons ran it to LOSE money so they wouldn't have to pay taxes... and that lasted all of 24 months before they sold to another company who had COOKED THEIR BOOKS in order to make the aquisitons work.
When I married my husband, I was making pretty good money- some of the highest wages I'd ever made in my life. Since the buy out, things have changed.
If I hadn't been frugal all of my life - I would have been totally screwed.
Which gets me to my current spot.
I don't - gossip at work, I don't talk down, I don't trash people I go, do my work, and I don't complain. I know I'm winding down in my energy and dealing with cancer and arthritus and other issues, I know that the chances of being hired again are pretty slim.
So, yes, dispite the cutbacks in my salery, I am still making pretty decent per hour wages- (maxed out in the companys list) I was grandfathered in with my vacation time,and yes, I have medical for my husband and I.
I have been there for 12 years, and I have 2 degrees, and I can work in any area of the company as needed.
Enter in the assistant manager. She was hired at 17 because she flirted with the past manager and hung on every word he said and cooed how handsom he was...
she has a- certificate- in -- being a hair dresser...
and she has been there for 5 years.
Well, one of the big issues is that NO ONE is supposed to know what any one else makes in the company. It's like lawsuit issue dont breath what you know and somehow, she found out that yes, I make more money than her per hour.
She is always WHINING about her credit card debt and paying for her sports car and she's decided to ask off for every weekend that she can.
Knowing that I make more money per hour than her, (and forseeably more money than her) has caused a burr under her saddle that she keeps complaining to the district manager about
they have cut my hours to 20 a week. the only thing that has kept me in medical coverage is the fact I am using up my vacation time.
but the company as a whole, is showing signs of failure. they haven't been able to make the overall payroll for the last month, and the fiscal year ends in feb.
With the current economy, I don't see the company lasting and I know that people are telling me to jump ship, If I should "ride it out" there is un employment for 6 months, not alot- half of what I would be making now, but still, enough to keep the house for that time.
I have - dreams of a house- a victorian, with polished wood and the bay windows, a tower room-
I almost purchased one- (but the neighbor was nuts)
I thought about it,
If I should win the lottery, what would I do?
and the answer is clear,
I would build the victorian of my dreams,
move into it, and use this house as my studio.
there is "so much" that I want to do, yet , have no space to do.
I would wish, for a horse.
which brought me to my current employment, I filled out the application, and
So, I turnedd 52 today. Well, actually, at 1:33 pm today I turn 52. (I think).
Looking into the family album, there is only one photo of me as a baby, in my godmothers arms. I know its me because the woman who was my godmother was only a godmother for me.
the next childhood photo of me was taken in the summer, and I had to be about 8 months old-There is another with me in a scarlet dress propped up on a pillow, and one with my grandfather trying to read me a book. It wasn't until I needed my birth certificate to get my drivers licence that it was discovered I didn't have one. The hospital where i was born had closed so it took a trip to a city up north to get a copy. It was then that I saw 13 :33 on the corner, and figured out, that was the military time of when I was born. Not being sure, I asked my parents "when" was I born. My parents didn't know, They cited that they had so many kids they couldn't remember.
Going back into the same albums, I realized all of my other brothers births were documented, as well as their photographs of growing up.
At that point, I wondered if I had been adopted.
I asked this of my mother and she said "Don't be silly, your aunt was there when you were born." so, I asked my aunt if she remembered the time that I was born , and she said she couldnt remember the time that her own children were born.
So, my birthday is today. and I am 52 years old. my younger brother is 50, and my older brother is 53. There is one day of the year that all three of us are a year apart. then the following day, my brother ages a year,
This was the year of large appliances. my husband informed me last saturday that the stove we had been looking at had been purchased for my birthday. (we were down to one burner).
its a flat top glass range with 5.3 cubic feet of space, free standing. It is a new type of cooking, my hubby discovered last night how fast things can burn- of course the one we had was sooo slow.
for most of the week I had struggled with the idea of getting a new one, but now that its in, it feels better.
long day today taking my hubby to dealership to pick his car up, going to the cemetary, visit my mother, and then see a movie with my hubby.
Right now, a nap seems in order though.
As a child, I was raised in a large family, and it was a struggle- I know there are many people who have said they would love a huge family- more sibs for the others to play with, but in all fairness, the numbers don't work. I had one sister who was 6 years older than I was, and she was married at 19- and as in as much as I loved riding my bike (which my brothers that summer canablized for parts for a go cart that ruined it- they were willing to play with my toys, break them, and move on. I retreated to my room alot, got a lock, simply because my dad was on the road alot, and my mother worked, leaving us to be latchkey kids. When they were home, they were constantly helping my brothers with their homework,and their projects leaving me to struggle, and give up on asking for help. I saw it as my brothers needed more help than I did, and I was left to fend for myself , including my own battles, (yes bones were broken! Ironicly, my mother never took me to the hospital to have them set. She never believed me when I said my brother had broken my nose until years later when I was getting my tonsules out that the dr had to do reconstructive surgery before doing the operation, leaving me in the hospital for 4 days to recover when it could have been an overnight stay. The dr asked, how it happened, and I was quite frank, my brother had broken my nose and my mother didn't believe me. When my hand was broken by my brother, (she wasn't there) she said it was my own fault for provoking him- (my mother was ether in denyal that he had a drinking problem at 14, or that even though I had locked the door he had kicked in the bottom and had come at me in a rage because I had refused to clean up the mess he had made. I ended up taping my hand up, and pushing the bones sort of back into place, and was told by my mother that that would be what the hospital would do.
No matter what I did, it never seemed good enough, and my mother would say, "others do better"
It made me an angry child, in a way, at school with a hair trigger who could, and often did beat the crap out of the kids who would tip my books from my arms or push me on the play ground. My brothers, had, at least, taught me how to fight back-
Then my mom gave me the speach that If I continued to be someone who fought all the time, I would have no friends and that I had to be a proper young lady.
I think, that was the year I gave up on my parents.
my sister wasn't any help. She had said, "her being married wouldn't change anything. that we would still go out for lunch and to the mall, and that-never- happened. I wasn't expecting it to- and to this day, I've never recieved an invitation.
In a way, it changed me. I had one really close friend, who was manipulated into thinking i was this horrible person, and she abandoned me after all of the things that I had done for her. Over the years, I became someone who was always looking into the room, not someone- in - the room. It wasn't until I was almost 40 that my mother finally said that what I did was worthwile, that I was actually doing things that made her proud, or that she talked about to her friends of my accomplishments. her praises don't come often. more than likely its geared to my sister who my mother has said is the perfect daughter. what am I chopped liver?? when I commented on that- what I had been told to my mothe she said my sister would be very hurt- well, bloody wickets! no account for my feelings I guess. I make it a point to visit my mother- make it a point to call every day - she is my mother, and perhaps the hope of her praise would still be forthcoming... and I am there, and the phone rings, and I become invisiable, as it is my siblings chatting away- or I call, and they call and she has to take their call over mine- even though I am in need - I call back later. and I stay invisable.
I became someone who was both starved for recognition, and someone who held others at a distance. I did make other friends, but for the most part, they were kept as just aquantinces, few- if any ever knew the turmoil that was churning inside of me- and I saw as the years went by, how I had been forgotten by my family. I was not thin, nor rich, or married with children - I had to work for a living, back breaking, mind numbing work, but- it didn't stop me from going to college and getting 2 degrees- or furthering the writing skills that I had started so long ago.
When my second *best friendship* snapped, something in me broke. I swore that I would never let anyone close to me again- and it gave me time to look around at the people I work with- the people that I had associated with them and see- the petty jelousy that they harbored because I had more education and made more money and the only reason why I was there was to have the medical benefits and pay off my home. I was told by one of my co worker that I had to stop being such - a pushover- and to stand up for myself.
being like, being popular- it doesn't matter. To some, it would, and its not about being center stage- (though I did have someone who didn't know me say that "the world doesn't revolve around you Kath" )
For the longest time, I only wanted to feel well. I have been battleing melanoma and skin cancer for 9 years, I have been tested positive for Leiden factor V and i have worked to bring down my blood pressure from 190/110 - the heck with weight loss! one battle at a time.
There are things that are important, things that don't matter , and times when you have to build a bridge and get over it.
I have taken to writing things- and its funny in a way, because very few people have ever read *everything* that I have written. (though I have found this to be the most open of forums that I've ever blogged in, )
Profile me- I was abused by sibs and tormented as a child, went on to study and collect murder mysterys and research books on poisons, manors of death, had a history of solving issues with violence in school, wrote stories involving people getting killed and how people did it- have issues with family still, and those at work who- *hate me because i make more money than they do so they give me the silent treatment* On medication for high blood pressure, colesteral and thyroid, was treated for depression I WASN'T BLOODY DEPRESSED I HAD CANCER THAT THEY MISSED~ I don't allow guns in the house- I have a collection of knives and a sword (all legal) and it would probably be my weapon of choice, and I have dark thoughts of how people could die- whoa, would that be I am a serial killer??
As I approch my 52nd birthday- i still see myself, sometimes as that little kid who has been left behind waiting for my parents to notice me over my siblings. I have struggled with feeling- invisable. being overlooked, being talked about in a negative way because they never bothered to know me.
its changed how I look at people, how I care- and how I help those who also feel invisiable.
I haven't been well for a long time. There are times when I feel better than others, and days that it is a struggle for me to stagger to work, and I think, great, all I need to do is collaps at work. I make it through the day, and the next, and the next, and I find myself retreating- into myself until the headaces clear and the chest pains stop. I am beyond- anger- and sadness and sorrow, and it leaves me with wondering, if I was rich, or thin, would my sibs notice me? Would my own sister want to take me on vacation with her?
I wonder am I just a little voice in the corner shouting "I am over here!" waving my arms , hoping to be noticed, if what I write is worthwhile, or if anyone even bothers to read what I have to say. forever being a little kid with a simple drawing that I hope my parents would place on the refridgerator.
I understand- the aloness.I have worked through that- I think, with all the rest of the hurt I have had to endure over my life-
i find myself keeping cards, and the tags at christmas time- and Iook at them- and I can remember what they were attached to- and its like- tiny bits of attention over the years. A pair of socks, a set of gloves and scarf- scrunchies for my hair. a mug- all treasured.
Want to know a secret?
yes, I write. and people have commented on the cast of characters -the story lines- well, I write what I know. Being left behind, dealing with siblings, looking in while others have the fun. I know the kids reading the stories, understand- they have felt that way- but- my sibs, and my mom, haven't caught on yet. I don't think they ever will. Those who know me- and know the family shake their heads.
for now, I wonder, Is any one out there? does any one care? or bother to read the musings and ramblings of an old woman? maybe.
So, my friend watches ghost hunter *taps* and she answered the survay question regarding the full ghost thingy that showed up on the tape as yes, it was a ghost.
and she gets really really excited .
and I send her a PM- "you know that stuff is all faked..."
Yes, I believe in ghosts, and angels, and people who have seen visions.
I am long enough in the tooth to know about ratings, Gee when something has been on for 9 seasons, and the ratings may or may not be slipping, but they want to hook the audiance into watching it, yeah, a little digital manipulation is possible.
and i take the bigfoot hunter to task for all the faked stuff they use.
third, I did go onto the web page, I read the comments of "did you hear that??" and the audiance is going NO WE DIDN"T BECAUSE OF THE BLOODY MUSIC!!"
*I* have faked ghost photos. I have studied photography extensivly, and I can tell you how alot of it is done.
So now- a person that I have known, and called friend is bent out of shape, so much so, she has unfriended me on facebook, as well as going into her daughters, mothers and sisters account and unfriended me there as well.
as well as pulling out of some areas that we had stuff together and it deeply hurt.
Its taken, I guess 2 days, for her to calm down enough to tell me that my comment was "the last straw" etc.
and I realized two things, A. there was more going on than shes told me, and I just happened to be something she could give the knee jerk reaction to, and B- how I look at people, - and future friends is forever changed.
the way I had looked at people was- people you meet are like blue balls. you meet them, you get to know them, you have fun with them- but one day, you learn they have a red center. (oh the horror) Some people would drop them and run away, but there are others who are accepting of this, and that it didnt matter about the red center, because it is the same ball that you always knew about, and had befriended.
so you can like people at face value, or you can drop them the first sign of trouble.
there is a third edge to the coin, the rim.
I have decided, I am not going to make any more friends, I will make aquaintences, but hold them at arms length-
because- losing - friends - is like -death.
I cried for most of the night, and my husband said I was sobbing in my sleep.
You know the saying about the true friend, with you thick and thin, beside you when you get tossed in jail saying dang that was fun, lets do it again... I thougth this girl, was a true friend.
the funny thing, I know all of her MOAS- Mother of all secrets. - well her major one. You see - I have known her for 20 years. I have known her at her highest and her lowest and when she crossed the line, and with whom. If I went to her community, I could tell her husband, her daughter, - people who respect her and those in her church, and I would have proof of it.
during her first marrage , she had a line she wouldn't cross, but a year into the marrage, she did. she had several affairs, and divorced her "fuddy duddy hubby" on their second aniversary to be with a man who was still older than her, and they married and have a daughter and a white haunted house... and after a year into the marrage, she began to have one affair after another. I know them all, their phones, and where it all happened.
and I was wondering, where does that leave my soul?
I could tell those involved, and it would distroy her, and the perfect family, as well as the family of her lovers.
being a scorpion, I could. but part of me is wanting to be the eagle, to rise above this
still the hurt runs deep.Should things reconcile, It won't ever be the same.
I guess what I said to her, got her thinking, and she sent me a friends request again on face book. I thought for a long while on this, before I accepted it. My stand on friendship, hasn't changed. I am still going to keep her at arm's length and be wary of hings- I do know that this is terrific material for a plot bunny ---in a way, it gives me the freedom to expand all of the what ifs, and no, she will *never* see it, or see what's here- and may be its a good thing to write about stuff like this simply because when it happens, or, god forbid, I go and visit and then end up in a plastic bag in the river, it will give all of you clues to solve what happened. - right?
ah, well, getting a bit sleepy and in a way it saves me a trip or I may make it anyway, I will have to see what the weather is like.
Maybe it will.- this is supposed to be the mini book that I wrote from the website, it says I can drop it into any blog, and I am going to test it here- its not done, but, its a start,
So, its saturday at 10:24 in the morning, and I have been up since 7, and I have to work from 11 - 9. Not my choicest of days, but, it pays the medical insurance.
I'm laying on my bed, waiting for the cloths to be done in the dryer so that I can get ready ready for work, (a tank top and my husbands swim shorts wont cut it...)
For the longest time, I have been wanting to do my own web page, and I have played around with a bunch of the freeones, and thought, yeah, I can do this...
and a friend of my husbands and I have a web server farm (according to my nephew they grow super fast on trees with fiber optics, but, IMHO I think they do it the old way, with a cable they bury in the ground and then in a few months , pull up the finished server)
and for 12.95, I was able to register my domain, and for a bit more a month I was able to get my own web site. WOOT
which was cool. However the url that I got, wasn't recognized, so I had to do some playing with it to find out exactly what was going on that I couldn't find the url. But I managed, and I logged in ...
and I'm looking over this thing and its like... crap... html...
Shaun was able to do a mirror of the one site that I had created on the free site, which is fine, but, I am still learning how to do this stuff, and would have loved the drop and drag, and my husband is like, you just use word...
but, from what I remember, you need to upload every graphic etc with the proper extention to make this thing work...
to view the site, read the stories, and visit the zazzle store, as well as information on the fundraiser for tony, please go to
if something doesn't work, please let me know.
for I am old, and shall wear purple today because its not my color, but I like it...
"Your father isn't crazy" a voice whispered in the dark.
Jordan sat up in bed and looked around. She could see in the dim light that it was going on one am- and that the patter of rain was striking the window pane. Shaking off the feeling that she had been having a night mare, 20 year old Jordan Black stretched and slid her feet over the edge of the bed before padding bare foot into the kitchen for a glass of orange juice.
It had to be that she was just a bit hungry before she went to bed. A stack of saltines gave the salty sweet crunch that she needed and she felt herself beginning the bliss buzz.
The rain picked up its patter against her windows as she slipped back under the blankets, crackers in hand.
"Your father isn't crazy" the voice, a mans, said again.
Maybe he wasn't" thought Jordan, But she certainly was feeling that she was for that moment...
Dawn came. Jordan yawned as she regarded the clock. It was just 5 am. As of late she couldn’t explain why she was getting up at that hour. It just – happened.
‘I have to see him… to know’ she thought to herself as she flipped the covers off of her legs and slid her feet into her thongs. She always wore the thongs in the morning, wore them into the shower and around the house- ever since she saw the spiders had begun to invade her home. She supposed they were eating the ants, or something and for the most part they left her alone (only one of them had dared to challenge her and got the business end of her shoes for its troubles.)
She had a stab of guilt, She hadn’t seen her father in years. She still got updates from the hospital, but, it had been difficult before- When she was younger, her grand parents took her to see her father – at first frequently, and as the years went on, and his madness – increased- the visits became less frequent until they stopped all together. She did write him, when she was in school, telling him everything that she had done and how much she missed him. When she graduated from high school she had to work and then college came around and her grand parents were even less willing to take her to visit. Being dependent on public transportation made visits even harder. But she made it a point after graduation from highschool to move closer to where her father was- just- just because even though she hadn’t gone to visit, she still felt closer to him. The college she attended was in the same city, and she reasoned that she could visit him when she had time… It had been two years and the time had never come.
Today though, after what she had heard last night, she had to know.
She – needed- to know.
It was a day off from her studies. While she had work on a paper due in a week, she’d done the bulk of it and would be refining the paper after re reading her notes.. The weather was supposed to be good – A trip to see him would – be good.
Or devastate her completely.
She showered, dressed then grabbed her back pack. She shoved her apartment key into her left front pocket, with some money, and in her right pocket, her bus fair. If she hurried, she could catch the 520 cross town. A tall thin dark skinned woman stood at the bus stop with a thin brief case. She smiled and nodded to Jordan. “Your up early.” The woman said still smiling.
“Oh, you know, term paper research Life of a student is never done.” Jordan said smiling back at the woman. They had ridden the bus together since Jordan moved into the town- but, it was odd that the woman happened to have the same schedule that Jordan did. She worked at a business across the street from the school. Normally Jordan would have taken the bus that ran an hour later.
She hadn’t counted on the bus being as crowded as it was that early. Something- the way the woman looked at her, as if expecting her to say something about her dreams caught Jordan off guard. Something about the way the bus driver looked at her caused Jordan to step back as the woman stepped forward and up the bus step. Jordan stepped back further and allowed three others to get onto the bus before her, then at the last moment, shook her head and said “I will wait for the next one.” The Bus driver nodded and closed the door. Jordan saw the startled look on the woman’s face as it pulled away from the curb. Behind Jordan, dust swirled. Strangely Jordan felt relief. Jordan stepped back from the curb and found herself ducking through the alley, She had taken time to study the bus routes, and the subway She could just as easily get there with using the subway, but something before had scared her from the darkness. The feeling was even stronger as she walked by the entrance of the terminal.
“Take the 547 cross town” the man’s voice said. “You will be safe.” There was no one around Jordan when she heard that. But, somehow , she trusted that voice and when the 547 came around the corner she got on it. It passed her home stop and she found herself pulling down in the seat avoiding the searching glance of the tall dark skinned woman who was franticly searching for something- Jordan perhaps- before speaking into a cell phone.
“lord love a duck what have I fallen into?” murmured Jordan to herself.
“You can’t go back to your apartment” said a man’s voice- it was different than the voice she heard before and it was coming right behind her. She turned and looked into a face that was familiar. He held his finger up to his lips.
“I don’t have much time Jordan. Your father committed himself to keep you safe from them.- but it seems that they have decided to keep you in their sights anyway. They know you are becoming suspicious…”
“What do I do?”
“Don’t use your cell, or your credit cards, they can track you…” he began.
“Why now?”: she asked She knew she didn’t want to know- but she had to.
She watched him shrug.
“Because everything changes when you turn 21.” He said gently .”They are hoping that the power you have inside you will manifest and stay with you past your 21st birthday. – If they can’t get your powers to manifest by then, and control them, they never will.
“I’m hearing voices” she said in a soft whisper. She watched him sigh and tilt his head.
“Did you hear voices before?” he asked gently. She shook her head.
“No, I would only see things that weren’t there – or that others couldn’t see. “ Peter Watts shook his head.
“It doesn’t work that way. You don’t jump from one skill to another with out having them together.” He regarded her a long time. “Though there are electronic methods to making people think they are hearing things- sub harmonics.”
“So- it was someone on a mic doing this to see how I would react?”
“Possibly” he said softly “But they don’t know that you know that now. Only trust what you can see Jordan.” He said before getting up and moving down the aisle of the bus.
To be continued…
So, work has been - work. (rant time)
I haven't had a weekend off in over a year and a half- I haven't had a vacation in three years, and I havn't had 2 day's off in a row in months, let alone 2 days off in a week, or work less than 40 hours in a week. It's stress, stress stress and I have lost 8 pounds in 5 days because I havn't been able to sit down and eat,- by the time i get home I am too exhausted to eat and my gut's not happy with me.
I have 5 drs that my PCP wants me to see, and I don't have the time to see them, let alone be on the phone during their office hours and I know that its a job, and If I complain, they will give my job to someone else.
Lady Mc Newstress. 27 yrs of age, transfered from another location where people were shot at in front of the location all the time- Left her fiance because he beat her, and drove her into bankruptcy. had to leave most of her belongings behind because her aunt had rented a tiny truck and refused to go back for a second trip. She lived with her grandmother whom she said was "right in the head" but, when she raised the comment regarding her getting her drivers licence, the grand mother locked her in the basement for 2 days.
She is now living with a girl that she shares a house with that is 5 miles from work. She was able to get a ride monday- friday, and had to walk on sat morning to get there (2 hours) and I ended up taking her to her home, and then picking her up at 7 this morning .
Work, didnt go so well today. Chalk it up to, I've put in too many hours and I am not able to sleep and a being on new medication that makes it painful to walk, bend or function.
that and I kept getting cornered by everyone with current events and ya know, Its just been too long of a week.
after 5 the store closed and she told me to go home. Granted, she was going to stay, and I told her to call the manager, get permission to have the time for us to catch up, and she was going to play the maryter.
Now, here's my thing.
When the manager and the other shift supervisor work with me, we get everything done. they are organized, I am organized and things just- go. It's stressfull as all get out. but they get their stuff done.
When I work with the other 2, things don't get done. What I do doesn't change, how I do it doesnt change, - its like, I don't know - all I know is every time I turned around she was dumping more things on me to do, and I am thinking me and what army?,
The thing is we all have our things to do. I do every single things I have to- and as the holiday seasons approch, things get busyer, with more things and less people.
So I am rather stuck. I still have to work every weekend, and the pressure is still one me to do the most of the grunt , with out a break.
and its like, I don't seem like I can get along with any one. --- or that I want to.
Thursday, august 18th.
Well, actually, It began for me on tuesday. my husband had gone out to get a hair cut and I was alone in the house and I felt a profound sense of grief that brought me almost to my knees as I sobbed. I couldn't explain it, only that I knew something was wrong. I thought, perhaps that maybe I hadn't said goodby, drive safe to my husband- or something, and I actually got my shoes on, and figured out his path and we went out for lunch, just because I needed to be with him and I couldn't explain why.
It wasn't until thursday that I found out the reason for my grief.
to understand it all, you have to go back almost 40 years. 6th grade had just begun for me and the school that I was in had merged with another bringing in 30 new kids, one of them being a pudgy girl with dishwater red hair and large glasses. We became fast friends- sisters- for many years, and when we graduated, (me being the one with the car) we went everywhere, with me driving, and I didn't mind it, it was- just- something that I could do. We even dated the same guys in highschool (not at the same time though, we waited a year)
I went off to the community college, and then got a job, and she went off to buisness school. In retrospect, I knew that her certificate was 1/2 the education that I had, but I didn't press the issue when she decided to attend the same school I did a year after I graduated. She would take the bus to work, and when we went out, I still drove.
I was there when she fell in love and was going to get married and I was there when things fell apart for her and I listened to her go on about her ex, and I tried to be a supportive friend.
It was in the late 80s that I went back to school to get a 4 yr degree and I made friends with a young man that I introduced my best friend to. Things got a bit hinkey after that. When we went over to his home, I drove. I don't know if he finally convinced her to get a car - but even with the brand new car in the drive way, I still ended up taking her over and I didn't mind.
Until my car died on me. It would be a good 2 weeks before I could get one to replace it, and when I asked her to pick me up, (as she was now driving,) it became an *issue*.
and then, I found out that the gang was getting together, and she had told them that I wasn't coming. I was pretty hurt. I would have come if I had transportation, and she had to pass my home to get there, I felt as if she had only used me for all those years as a taxie service, and I wrote her a brief note asking for us to get together to discuss things.
It didn't go well. I was totally blindsided by her off the wall comments about how I was using her and it didn't make sense to me.
When we parted, it was difficult. We didn't speak for an entire year. I went on with my life, my work, and the guys that I dated, and when her grand mother died, I did go to the funeral. When her father died a few months later, I went , and when her grand father died, I went, and I offered my support to her.
I went through thyroid cancer, and I wished she would have been there to help me deal with things, but, she stayed distant.
When my grand mother died, she was absent. I could have used her support, and I knew she knew about it, but she chose not to come. It wasn't until after that that I learned the young man that I had introduced her to had taken psychology classes and had been manipulating her by telling her lies to see what would happen. And it would be much later that I would be able to see her in public, and tell her what he had said, She was totally in love with him and hoped that he would marry her.
I think, I had been hurt so deeply, that I couldn't bring myself to speak with her, or try to rekindle the friendship we had had. I had felt - used. and discarded, and everything I had accomplished in my life, she wanted, she followed.
She would send cards, once in a while. just general christmas cards, maybe 5 over the last 12 years. I would wish her happy birthday with her email, and it was a strained relationship.
When I developed melanoma, I could have used a friend to talk to me, to keep my mind off of the pain. She had been told by my mother about what happened, but, she never bothered to come.
She never said "I am sorry for the pain we have been through" though I did say it.
She did come to my fathers funeral, and promptly sat with the one friend who came to comfort me, and drew them into conversation so that I sat alone.
Everyone said what a sweet girl she was. Maybe I saw her as a user. Maybe- I don't know. I couldn't release the hurt in my heart, the feeling of betrayal, and I knew no matter what I said, it wouldnt change things, so, I stayed away, and I waited.
I didn't tell her I was getting married. My mother did, and I know maybe there had to have been hurt there, but, I was dealing with not inviteing another friend simply because the wedding was limited to family, a few co workers and immediate neighbors. I only had one friend there, my made of honor. even thought it was my own wedding. My hubbys friends were all out of state. I could have overwhelmed the event with friends, but it wouldn't have been fair to him.
in 2008, at the class reunion I learned that she had been ill. Pretty serious ill, and that her immune system was responsible. She was better, and back at work, and I listened to her go on about the tubes and breathing treatments, and I wanted to speak with her more the following day, but she didnt come.
I was able to keep in contact with her briefly through the class reunion page, and befriended her on face book, and to my defence, I didn't know you could go back to older posts. I had only just begun to face book in late december, she had been doing it for a while.
her last post to the group was that a classmate had died, and that you never knew how long, or short your life was going to be. That was posted in july of this year.
Thursday my mother called me early in the morning. The young man that had driven a wedge between us had called and had been trying to get ahold of me, No one seemed to remember my married name.
She had died on wensday. He went on about her liver transplant failing and she had been on dialyisis, and every organ just shut down.
It was a shock to me as she was only 50. I hadn't been informed that she had been through all of that, and it explained nothing, but only raised more questions. It wasn't like she was sitting at home, She had a group of friends she would call and they would do things, She never asked or told me and even with everything going on, I still would have been there. I still would have made time for her.
I spent the rest of the morning letting others know about what had happened, and the arrangements that had been made.
at the funeral home I learned that she had gone to the movies on last thursday with the young man, and she seemed fine, and on monday she woke and was disorented. they took her to the local hospital who said they didnt take care of transplant pts and they sent her to another hospital and on tuesday, they made the decision to remove her from life support.
Perhaps, that was the grief that I felt, as the time they did it, and what I had felt, was the same time.
and yet, again, she follows me... her grave is a meer 20 yards from where the graves of my father and uncle are, and where I had purchased property (a set of 2 graves) I knew her grand parents were up there and according to her brother, the plots were avalible. Its one of the most expensive sections in the cemetary, and I can't fathom that she would randomly pick that spot and not one near where her father was. it will never make sense to me I guess.
So, The question that is in my heart now, is,
there is another person from school that I know, who has asked to go out- to - hang- out, She is on her second ex husband, and in school she had tried to get every guy I ever dated (her sister did pull a ex bf stunt, so, it's been a bit tense with conversations)
I can't make up the lost time. I can't bring her back, and all I can do is go to her grave side and yell and cry.
the question is, do I go? do I make a difference, even if in email?
I am not a social person. I don't - go out for going out sake, I work too many hours and I become irritable like a little kid sometimes. those who know me, know this, my friends understand this.
Do I go? do I not go?
Do i simply, fade away?
The dirt swirled beside Jordan Black as she stood gazing at the empty lot which transformed into a house before her eyes. She could hear Simon explaing things to her, things that were important then. Things that would be important later. Simon went away after things were done, and her father while he hadn't beleaved her , he didn't - not- believe her. It wasn't long after that that her father arrived at her school and took her out of class. They drove for days on end, going into canada through back roads and staying hidden for a while before he finally pulled over and took out a folder that she saw had her name on it.
"Jordon, honey, I am so sorry." he began.
"For what Daddy?" she had asked.
He had closed his eyes for a long time before opening them and looking at her intently.
"Iknow what you see- the evil- it is because you are so- pure, that you can see them, and they can't touch you as long as you stay pure. But, honey, I can't - protect you the way I want to. I need you to make me a promise."
Jordan strugged inside with what she had promised her father. She would have to trust him. She did trust him. He drove into the night while she slept and when she woke up, she was on the sofa of her grand parents home and there was no sign of her father.
Her grand parents explained to her, that her father had placed himself in to a hospital to get better. He was - crazy- her grandfather had insisted. Her grand mother had shushed him, and continued that Frank had left Jorden in their care and when he got out, she could go back to him. He never did, Months passed, then years and while her grandparents took her to visit him on the holidays, he never really regained what he had been before. They told her kindly, it had happened before, several times, and they had known it was only a matter of time before this had happened.
"Your father isn't crazy" a voice whispered in the dark.
Jordan sat up in bed and looked around. She could see in the dim light that it was going on one am- and that the patter of rain was striking the window pane. Shaking off the feeling that she had been having a night mare, 20 year old Jordan Black streched and slid her feet over the edge of the bed before padding bare foot into the kitchen for a glass of orange juice.
It had to be that she was just a bit hungry before she went to bed. A stack of saltines gave the salty sweet cruch that she needed and she felt herself beginning the bliss buzz.
The rain picked up its patter against her windows as she slipped back under the blankets, crakers in hand.
"Your father isn't crazy" the voice, a mans, said again.
Maybe he wasn't" thought Jordan, But she certainly was feeling that she was for that moment...
More to come...
When I married, I was working full time (45 hours a week) and the money was good. Shortly after the marrage, the company merged and I was bumped down to part time, 35 hours a week, but managed untill last year to hold on to that status.
Last year, when they changed things, I was able to use my vacation time to work through the hours so that I still stayed full time, and kept my benefits, and that all ran out at the end of the year.
mind you, I have been keeping the house down to 60 degrees so that the bills are afordable. It's bloody cold in my house and I'm getting tired of ramin noodles and doing the funky meat ball in order to eat twice a day.
The car is due for inspection in 2 months, I need new tires for it to pass, the assets that I have are 2 cemetary plots, and my wedding band and a 7 yr old car that probably won't pass inspection.
the funny thing is, they want to know what your income is prior to the deductions (which IMHO you have deducted anyways)
if we go after deductions I make not enough to cover the bills and im living off of the savings that I had from doing some work on the web.
my hubby is trying to get disability, and its screwed up because he cant remember where he put his tax forms from 3 years ago.
what hope is there of winning the lottery?
years ago, for me to be diagnosed in time with my thyroid was like the same chances of winning the lottery, as well as when I was diagnosed with melanoma. the chances of me getting married at 47 is about the same as winning a lottery and the type of man, (non smoker non drinker and very sweet and smart) was almost the same odds
so what are the odds for me? for us? to survive through the winter when so many people are falling through the cracks.
if i fall off the map, and disapear, its because the cracks have opened up and swallowed me.
So I have just been unfriended by my niece in face book,
and I get a pertty upset call from my brother, who is siding with his daughter.
Lets back up 12 hours
I use face book to connect with people who are interested in my book, and my family. Upon occasion post from my family show up on my page, which is cool.
except that my niece has a friend, who is way too old for her age.
She uploaded a photo of herself, and my niece, and tagged it that they were *young and fresh* and OH baby do you want to do him, yeah, I do, then do it.
and the chat went on... each post getting a bit more risque.
I had to blink a few times, and I finally asked a friend if she could see it, and she said yes, and that if it was her daughter, what she would do,
she would get the power cord taken from her.
In hindsite, I should have waited a day, and called my brother not on his birthday, but, being an aunt, I sent them both the same message that everyone was seeing what they were writing and it wasnt appropriate to be posting that they were *young and fresh* etc to both of them.
In hindsite, that is, because it gave the girls a chance to remove it from their sites, block me, and then the one went to her mother omg a stranger is saying inappropriate things to me.
my ex sis in law was called, and both parents went over the face book page and didnt see the items in question because the girls took them down.
I was blocked for a while, and went in under one of my alts to see the activitys,and one by one, the posts were removed.
this morning, i get a call from my brother who is *siding with his daughter* because his wife didnt find anything wrong on the page.
and he didnt understand exactly how my friends could be seeing my nieces posts, and he wanted me to change my settings so that it wouldnt happen.
I was *getting a second chance* and told not to contact any of her friends, etc.
Mind you, its sad to see that shes learned to lie, (like her mother) My niece knows, the truth, and I'm not some crazy lady. (well sometimes)
The thing was, she had *everything* about where she lived, and what school she went to, and that there are pedophiles in the area. sigh
So, the good that came from it is she probably hates my guts, and that when I see her next I am going to look her in the eye and say I know what you did. It might slow her down for a bit, I don't know.
But I have my nephew who is going to keep an eye on her. you see, I'd gone to him after she blocked me and told him the events, and he said he would keep an eye on her. he is her age, and, pretty smart when it comes to right, and wrong, (though he is intersted in *women*) Should she step out of line again, he can give the heads up, but I think her mom may be watching the face book page a bit closer.
the other thing too, I guess the word went out that people outside their friends group can see the posts, and that they have set their accounts so that no one cn see them except their friends.
I can't win on this one. There are no winners, no loosers,
just children in danger.
note , I got a second call from my brother. Seems he actually listened to what I had said, went back to his daughter and told her, look, your aunt sent you that because of a posted photo. my niece denyed even having seen the photo and he was able to tell her, the only way that she (me) could have seen it was by you responding to it and it all showed up on her page.and her friends saw it too..." so that pretty well trapped her
Its going to take a while before she accepts what she was doing was wrong. she is at *that age* where kids just don't think. He had heard me say, :I feel like the bad guy here, but I am concerned for her saftey.
On the plus side, my nephew who is a few months older than her, is going to keep an eye out on her. In a way, he is a perfect choice, he is a peer, he knows what boys think, and he can tell her. "Look, you dont want to be saying that because the boys are saying.. this.
So I had a word with my friend Tony who was home with his 6 yr old (snow day) She is already showing a willful presence, and the suggestion I had was "power cords"- kid steps out of line, take away the power cord to their toy, when the battery runs down, they will go to their parents looking for it, and realize , pop is in charge.
On oct 21st my niece, and her husband to be learned that his aunt had died. It was two days before their wedding and while the family knew she had cancer, (she had attended the bridal shower only 2 weeks before) it was still a bit of a shock to them with everything going on. They were married two days later. A week later, on the 29th, my uncle passed away, he had been suffering from cancers, and his passing was very hard to deal with. He was buried on nov 1st, and a day later my mother was getting ready to visit one of her oldest friends who had had a stroke, and the phone rang, it was her friends daughter letting my mum know that she had died during the night.
two weeks ago my mum had visited her and they had a tea party using the very best of the china. They had a wonderful time, and a week ago, my mum had visited her to pray with her. 3 days before her death, she looked over, and told her daughters that her husband , and my dad were sitting in the chairs in the corner of the room having a chat.
My dad had died on Nov 3rd in 2003, and her husband had died in 87.
2004, my uncle was due to have surgery (it being oct 28th) and he didn't want to have it. he asked my mother and sister, why were the nurses around his bed, there were 5 of them. they were wearing white, and there were two on each side and one at the foot of the bed.
My mum and sister didnt see anyone, yet my uncle insisted that there were nurses there. He died at 2 in the morning on the 29th from complications. As I reminded my mum, Uncle was blind. There wasnt any way that he would have seen nurses... unless, they were angels.
yes. there is a power greater than we are. While it may be argued that those who are close to death might hallucinate- its interesting exactly what was seen- and both were quite sharp in their mental ablitys up to the point of their death.
2010, in the morning of october the 29th, my other uncle died.
My mothers friend was a formidable lady who was an advocate for children with disablitys and was recognized by the president of the united states for her work of being a volenteer. Success was measured by children who learned to read, and to pray, and that went on to be their very best.
and tonight, there is another star that shines in the heavens above.
Today we buried my uncle. It was a chance to meet up with cousins, and aunts that I had not seen in years, and, to hear the continuing dynamics of a family that had many more children from two combined marrages.
We arrived early to the funeral home, and then spent time with my cousins before following the mile long procession (yes, a mile of cars) to the church, then to the cemetary, and to the small chappel there where the US Navy preformed the flag ceramoney for my aunt, and presented her with the flag.
the young man got on one knee and held the flag, telling my aunt, on behalf of the presedent of the united states, and the us navy, ... and I think at that point every one there just began to cry.
As I had discussed with my husband, while there were some wars that the navy had helped in with trasporting people, and bombing off shore, and yes, with the USS Cole, there are dangers to being in the navy, but, not like my uncle faced during WW2,
We got back in the cars, and made our way to the grave site, and discovered that the grave wasn't quite ready yet, that there was some problem with it, and so they slid the casket out onto the pads, and we said our good bys while the funeral director gave assurance that he would personally stay with the body until it was in the ground, and covered.
from tehre we traveld to a restaraunt that didnt have enough tables, or chairs for everyone, and the ones that they did have, were too high, or small. but we ate, and had tea, and remembered the times that people had with my uncle, and I got a chance to visit with my one cousins children who were ever so sweet and I made contact with my cousins who had traveled out of state just to meet with their siblings, (the ones that were talking)
and it was sad, in its own right because when we were kids, we would get together at least once a month, and we would play, we would vacation together, and we grew up together.
I see them, I see their grand children, and I see- them all over again in their childrens eyes.
in how they wiggle and how the adults just love them the same that they did when we were little.
and I told the ones who traveled, far away, that, We would be there to tend his grave, we were there anyway to tend my fathers, they were together now- they would know that things were taken care of , and my aunt knows now as well.
He has passed, but will not be forgotten.
My uncle died on oct 29th in the wee hours of the morning. Last night, I went to the funeral home with my husband to pay our respects, and to see my cousins. I met my aunts first husbands sister, and she had worked out that I had to be related, remembering me from when I was a little girl.
and I let her know, we had grown up with stories of my uncle Paul, even though he had died 50 years before- our mother had made sure that we knew what a wonderful man he had been , and how tragic his death had been.
My aunt told us, last night of what had happened the morning of my uncles death. She had gone back to her room for some rest when her daughter came, and said she needed to be there, and she took her over where my uncle was, and she leaned over and said "I love you" she said it again, a bit louder, saying I love you chuck" and he turned his head and opened his eyes and looked at her- really really looked at her, and he smiled. closed his eyes and then breathed his last.
and my aunt marvled at this because he had been under sedation, and alot of pain meds, and he hadnt opened his eyes for 3 days.
the gift though, that one moment, has helped my aunt. He was at peace, he had his family around him and he knew he was loved.
i leave, in a bit , to go to his funeral, he will be in good company, my dad is a few plots down, my friends grandfather is off to one side and there are other ww2 vets near by including a seebee
to everything there is a time and place and purpous. a time to reep, a time to sow a time to live, and a time to die.
in his passing, a great man has taken a final journey home.
he will be missed.
Since I've been in this house, (9 years) I think I've only carved 4 pumpkins, or , had 4 pumpkins. The first was just the standard triangle eyes, the second, I actually picked up a book on how to carve pumpkins and I created the wolf below. The next year I carved my ferrets picture onto the pumpkin, and somewhere in the backup folders on another drive is the photograph. After my dad died - and the following year my uncle, almost to the day my dad went on the ventilator, I still, handed out candy, but, the decorations out side were toned down. I didn't do pumpkins, and pretty much, the decorations went up an hour before the kids went around and were down 10 min after the trick or treaters finished.
This year I have to work, leaving my husband to hand out the candy and snap the glowie stick bracelets for the kids and put them on. The neighbors know him now, so its not a strange man handing out candy.
Im probably just going to have the pumpkin outside. this year was probably the fastest I ever carved a pumpkin, My hubby scouped out the guts, and with a paring knife I made tooth shaped eyes, scrapped off a zig zag of hair, and gave him a single tooth.
christmas is a whole nother matter...
but, life goes on.
Perhaps, it is in the knowing. I didn't want to leave today and go to work, My husband was home, though, and reluctantly , I handed him our little one after giving her forehead a kiss, and I went off to work. It was a day, that nothing went right. I could do nothing right. Nothing that I would say would change what was going on. I got home, and found my husband looking somber. he said she had to have been waiting for me to go- that she knew her dieing in my arms would be too much- so, she waited. and in my husbands arms, she gave a sigh, then , stopped breathing. It has been an emotional time for me- these last few months with her being ill. The seizures, the decisions- but- knowing that she got the very best care- that- everything for her comfort was done- and short of using cloriform, or some other - method, I couldn't bring myself to do that.
The tears have stopped for now. I know, I will shed more- I know, that it will be hard, and I know that in a way, that the memories I have, that I can commit to paper, will help ease the pain in my heart.
i ask, all of you, to concider, if you do not have a pet, if you can not give a home to a pet that is in need- to help places that rescue ferrets, and animals , as well as the no kill shelters. It doesn't have to be alot- even 10 dollars helps to purchase kibble, or medication that they may need.
Had I not gone into the pet store that night, by the next morning when the manager came in, he would have made the decision to put her down, as they had a policy not to resell animals that had been returned. in all of the years that she has been a part of my life here- the joy, of her being, will remain in my heart forever. I don't know what my life would have been like with out the little fuzzbutts,
my heart is breaking, that they are all gone,
and to this end, I will miss them.
Hudson is still with us. My husband looks at her, and mumbles something about that she's going to rise up and start going on about "brains! Brains!' I can only shake my head.
The scent, that I spoke of , is still there. My husband says it reminds him of an open wound- yet, I smell the tang of a metalic oder.
The days have been filled with tears, and memories as we make her comfortable and discuss options for her care.
Memories are a powerful thing. I look at pictures, and see them running across the floor , playing- very vocal when they are young. We still have her cage up, though she hasn't been in it for days, the little carrier that Id purchased to take them to the vet, (then realized it was way too small for 3 ferrets to not have issues of who gets into the box) had been sitting on a shelf collecting dust, now has become a bed for her with an endless supply of paper towels that have kept her comfortable.
When I first moved into the house, I had spiders. Wolf spiders, huge things that had lived off of anything that crawled. things that carried their babies on their backs and would be the size of small tarantulas and charge you should you stamp your feet. even if you slammed a thick dictionary on them they would spring back to life and try to attack you. (shades of LOTR)
I saw Huds streak across the floor, diving under the sofa, and then proudly she came to me, munching something...
its legs were dangling out of her mouth as she chewed up the spider.
The wolf spiders had met their match.
As of late, Huds had taken to sucking her teeth. Ferrets have bad teeth, and while attempts at cleaning them most often work, she had developed a way of sucking them. we would see her eat, then take a drink, and then the sound would begin.
The last few days have been very hard. When, it all began, - with the others, it was fairly quick, we knew they were failing, we would keep an eye on them, and with in hours, they would pass.
Huds, has been different. Last thursday she was able to eat kibble from my hand. She had siezure after seizure after seizure on friday night, through out the night, but, we felt the real damage to her little brain had been done before, when her seizures first started months ago. She had become near blind, but she still played, still begged to get out of her cage in the morning.
When she started to fall down the ramp, we placed everything on one level, so that she couldnt fall, couldn't knock herself silly, (she had no fear regarding jumping)
We believe that life and nature should take its course- giving comfort measures during her process. It has not been an easy choice for us, but in discussion with her vet, it was the choice that we had made from the start. We could have chosen surgery and a battery of tests, the end, would have been the same. except for her diabities, and the tumor in her pancreas, she was a healthy ferret. her fur never lost its luster, or thickness, she was always tiny,- and now has the weight of angels.
I spoke to my mother, who had commented about, "if it was up to her, she would have cloriformed her in the beginning"
Mind you, Mum used to wring the necks of the chickens for the dinner pot and then clean them, plucking feathers and removing the inside guts with a swift measure. She was raised in an era that it was what was done. But, inside, Mum said, she wouldn't have the heart to do it. Not that she has any love for what she called "the little rat" (followed by, Mum, ferrets arn't rodents)I caught her one time bending over their cage, making nonsenical sounds to them. when I spoke with her last night, and mentioned about the cloriform, she had said, that she knew I wasn't capable of doing that, that I was kind hearted, and I was doing the best that I could to see to Huds comforts.
and I think of how it was when my dad died, and when my best friends grandfather died.
My best friends grandfather was an extrodinary man who had survived being caught in a tornado, (lost an arm) and years later, suffered a stroke. In the dr's wisdom, the dr convinced his wife to have him taken off of life support, off of all nutritonal drips, and then left to die with just comfort measures. and it was hard on my girlfriend, the slow process of the body dieing. he hung on, and on, and on.
with my dad, and ive questioned this in support groups, as to why they do it, how could they do it- (and was tossed out of the said support group because *I* was upsetting the others) the nurse said "in this case because they cant push the button, we do it for them, and give them some, and then later, a little more, and then a little more..."
what she was saying in effect, what I realized later after research was, that the staff overdoses the patients that they determine are brain dead. My mom, made the decision to take my dad off of the ventilator, and she said it was up to us to decide...
It was an impossible choice, during the worst of times.
I am faced, now, with the same choice, I can only choose with my heart to give comfort to this little bit of fluff,
in her passing, there will be, an empty spot that only memories of her can fill.
I've assembled some of the pictures that i have of them. I know, that some believe that the essance of the being is captured with the photo, perhaps, its true. I am , blessed with a husband who understands my tears.
and I have been blessed, in knowing ones such as huds, and syd, and della, who have touched lives, if even briefly.
May time reunite all the souls who have been parted.
a couple of years ago, a friend of mine gave me a peach schnapps, and after drinking it, I found that *I* smelt of peaches, and it was from the alcohol being metabolized in my system and coming out my skin. I realized then, that the scents we have were affected by what was within us, and some things made our metabolism push it out.
Right now, my little ferret is in her carrier beside me covered with paper towels and a blanket over the carrier to keep in the warmth. A few months ago, she had a seizure and following the vets advice, we learned that she was diabetic with a tumor in her pancreas. surgery, for a nine yr old ferret, wasn't an option, she was just too frail for it, and any medication that she would take, would require monotoring with invasive bloodwork, that in our honest opinon, she was too frail to deal with on a daily basis.
forward to four days ago, she had a series of gran mal seizures, flailing her tiny body about shrieking. Note, that the shrieks were not one of pain, during the siezure, while there is distress, it comes from the airway and larynex constricting and air being forced through it as she breathed. we kept her comfortable, but knew, that it was only time before she would go.
forward to today.
Some people say that ferrets have their own smell, they do, it is an earthy, musky scent that reminds me of the soil after a hot day and a brief rain.
when I say "the scent of death" there are two smells that come with death, one is , of course, what they call "dead dead" scent, and thats of the rotting corpse, there is also a scent that comes before, and unless you have been someone who worked at a nursing home- or have stayed at a bedside, you don't know this smell, until you have smelt it, then its something that you remember because it doesnt change.
You see it with cancer patents, there is a smell that is - well- fruity. like something thats been fermenting, but, its not a yeasty smell, or a beer smell. its - not like any other scent your going to come across- but, its the stage of the cells beginning to break down in the process. Perhaps it is because its cancer that I smell it. My dad had the smell, and even though its been years since I smelt it, I knew what it was.
I look at her, and wonder about what next to do for her. She's not eating on her own, shes totally blind, though shadows do register to her. she's sleeping alot, and I have been giving her food, and water as often as she will take it. The siezures that had come with increasing frequency haven't happened in a good 32 hours. While she is eating better, she still is in the process of dying, where, she will simply just go to sleep, her breathing will slow and her heart will stop.
It saddens me that there are some things, that are not changeable. What was it that was said? the debt that all men pay was death.
the best I can do is keep her warm, and comfortable. She isn't in any pain, and I know that people would say, "Just put her down" but I can't. I could have made that decision for her when she was first diagnosed, but, she still had time with us, things to do, places to go, people to see. She survived 5 months with just changing her diet to something that had a higher level of protine, and even if we would have had the surgery, or medication, her time with us was still just as short.
I remember when she first came into my life. it was a bitter cold day and id stopped at the pet store to get food for Syd, and I saw her alone in the cage, she was so tiny- her whole body fit in my hand and I was told that as soon as the manager came in, she was going to be put down. and I held her, and she climbed into my winter coat and proceeded to explore the inside. I asked why, and he said that she had been returned as a biter, and that she pooed in the corner. She was just a little baby, and people didn't understand thats what babys do.
So, I took her home and I placed her in her box in the bathtub (she was trying to chew her way out) and I had to check on the neighbors house because they were away, *they had a water leak that diverted my attention to things* so I picked her up and placed her in the cage, and i said, "Syd, this is your little sister, take care of her..." and I was out the door.
when I came back, there was no sign of her in the cage. Syd was in the hammoc and I said "Syd, where is she?" he looked up at me, and I saw she was under him, covered by him to keep her warm on that day.
how they played.
One time, Syd figured out how to open the cage, and lead the great escape. I heard him knockover the trash can, and was able to scoup him up, Della came out from behind the stove, and I couldnt find Hudson.
and I was calling and calling and calling her, in tears, because a house is a dangerous place for an unattended ferret.
and I straighten up, and look
she was on the top shelf, looking at me, going "WHa? Im right here."
I am , right here for you Hudson,
in my heart, and dreams, forever.
When I was in highschool, I dated a few guys, one of them being a much- *older* than me guy( well, I was 17, he was 21) and he was a friend of my brothers. Before I graduated, he asked me to marry him and I said yes, with the condition that I finish school first, *college*
One of his greatest - faults- was that he didn't think things all the way through and we ended up parting of the ways.
years went by, He went on to be a race car driver and in all the glamore of the track found a young woman who stayed by his side until his car went end over end. She did stick around long enough to wait until he was out of the coma before saying to him that she coulnt deal with the life and death of the track, and she left him to his own devices to go through rehab, learn how to cook, and then as he learned how to cook, he realized he *liked* cooking, and he became a chef, and eventually, the co owner of a restaraunt.
it was some time last year that he thought about retirement, and the concept of bringing his house boat home. It would take a few years of sailing and he would work his way up the coast in the process seeing old friends & family. He told me this and in the process at the end of the letter, mentions that he was seeing a young lady named Sandy that weekend. I sent an email back that night, and for some reason, it was blocked... I was to find out later when he leaves dock, his internet decides that his mail box is full and the system goes kerpinko.
I hadn't heard from him in months. and I decided that I would try to send him an email and it went through and he explained that on July fourth he had stopped over at a friends, and cooked for their picknic for 52 people, and in the process the next day, had a massive heart attack.
Its changed his perspective over the thought of retirement and hes thinking of writing a healthy eating cookbook...
all of this brings up, memories of how we were together. How different our lives would be had we stayed together. maybe.
Time changes us.
anyway, I am explaing to my husband who he is, and he is cool with it. (the love of your wifes life from 30+ years ago is now in contact with her... ) was there any *getting * over him? eh, don't know. I still have the love letters that he sent me, his highschool photo, the ring, which btw was his grandmothers, and I had been searching for him to see if I could return it. We had made a deal, I would keep it safe for him so that he wouldn't do anything foolish with it. If I had changed my mind, I could contact him and. well. I didnt change my mind. he still, to my knowledge, doesn't think things all the way to the end. (as I do, though maybe its men who don't...)
I can't just toss the letters, they are too personal. on the other hand, in my own lesson of mortality, I know that "someday" should I pass, they will be found.
I know, once he gets a proper mailing address, I will be sending him the photos, and the ring.
maybe, the letters too. and let him decide what to do with them..
what would you do?
So, I have been looking for a way to get my writings into the REAL world, and a forum to do that. I mean, short of just doing the self publishing thing, (which IMHO if you make a mistake your pretty well screwed) getting noticed by a publisher is pretty difficult.
Unless you happen to find a website that hosts books. *tada*
I had followed a link that a friend sent me and I was looking at it and thought Hmmm, I could do this. I looked it over and saw *free*. Free is good.
So I figured out how to upload my stuff, and I did. Well, two of the stories. (sigh)
I have the stories already published in SL, and I have them on chips (somewhere) in the pile of chips that I have for this computer because I try to back up everything... but last week my keyboard slipped off of the table when I had turned ont he computer, banged the F11 key and wiped out my entire hard drive... (SOB)
I am in the process of rebuilding the files. Its going to take time, but, hey, it works, for now.
If you want to read the storys, I ask that you just let me know what you think. You can find them here
http://en.calameo.com/read/0003937275ac2b8de68e7 (The Hatchling Chronical)
http://en.calameo.com/read/00039372790ff7e778d23 (Anne Hedgehog)
They are childrens storys, and will be followed by more when I find the art for them